For The Love Of Kili

While We Play Pretend

You grumbled irritably and took another long gulp of ale, “Did I mention that I hate you?”

“A few times, yes.” Kili responded with a grin, tapping your mugs of ale together til some of it sloshed out onto your hand.

You glared at him, “Why am I here?”

“Because you’re my friend?”

“Is that a question or a statement?” You wondered.

Kili draped his arm over your shoulders, “A statement, love! Can’t I just want to get drunk with my favourite girly?”

“You can. Although it’s very rarely ‘just’ anything. What are you plotting?” You asked, eyeing Kili over the top of your ale as you took another swish.

“It’s more of a safety measure, really.” He shrugged, pretending to be intensely interested with the inside of his tankard.

“Are the answers to life and the Universe in that mug? If so, I could do with some advice.” You retorted.

Kili frowned and wiped froth from above his lips, “What advice?”

“Why, in Mahal’s name, am I sitting in a crowded pub drinking ale with Kili when I could be sleeping. Or having important, naughty sex. Or a bath.”

Kili cocked his eyebrow, “Having sex with who!?”

You shrugged, “Well, I haven’t quite figured that out yet.”

“No Dwarrows taking your fancy? Beards not up to your standards?” Kili wondered mockingly and you groaned and pointed at him, “You laugh now but I’ve been informed by my dear old Da that if I do not find my One by this coming Durin’s Day, he’ll be choosing someone for me.”

“Seriously? That’s two months away!”

“Fifty nine days, to be exact.” You responded with a resigned sigh.

“So, if you don’t mind, I’d really like to know why I’m here and not stalking all of the available Dwarrows in Erebor instead?”

Just as you asked, Kili made as if to hide behind you on the bench you were both seated on, which of course was not effective in the slightest.

He gazed around him frantically, “Super quick explanation. There’s a Dam who is interested in me. But I’m not interested in her. And she’s coming this way. Oh, also, you’re here to pretend to be the Dwarrowdam I’m courting.”

“Kili!” You scolded, swatting at him in irritation.

Your eyes caught those of a very short, very round and bearded Dwarrowdam glaring at you in a competitive fashion.

You scoffed, “I see your point, Kee. But I still have half a mind to leave you by yourself and let her ogle you and touch you suggestively til you’re physically sick.”

“You wouldn’t!” Kili’s eyes were wide in terror.

“Lucky for you, I’m a very charitable person.” Kili snorted at that and you glared, then smiled smugly, “She’s coming this way.”

“Oh, Mahal! Do something, lovey. Please!”

You gripped to the front of Kili’s tunic and pulled him closer, “Take my lead and make it convincing, got it?”

He swallowed and nodded. You wove your arms around Kili’s neck and pulled his lips down to meet your own. He immediately responded and embraced your waist, letting the kiss linger before peppering smaller affectionate kisses upon your lips.

“Is she still looking?” You whispered breathlessly.

Must have been from the lack of oxygen. From all that fake kissing.

“She’s coming this way. And moving very, very quickly at that.” Kili hissed urgently and this time, he was the one gripping your face and eagerly meeting your lips.

You had been caught so off guard that you had no idea what to do with your hands. You ended up just resting them on Kili’s thighs until he pulled back from the kiss lightly, this time meeting your gaze.

“Umm…”

“What?” You asked, concerned.

“You should move your hands. They’re - " Kili cleared his throat and when you looked down, you noticed his breeches were becoming rather tight in a particular area.

You retracted your hands immediately and blushed furiously, “Kili, this was a terrible idea!”

Kili chuckled, “It worked, didn’t it?”

You turned to see that the Dwarrowdam was no where to be seen. Clearly she had got the message that Kili was no longer on the market.

You felt him wrap his arms around your waist and his head rest on your shoulder, “Thank you, Y/N. Really. You truly are my favourite girly.”

You nodded and buried your face in your almost empty tankard, attempting to hide the strange shade of pink dusting your cheeks.

You downed the remainder of the ale and shrugged Kili off of you, “We need more ale.”