I Do

Chapter 5 - Here and Now

Hello!

Well, it's been awhile now, hasn't it? I sincerely apologize for that. I've been swamped with stuff, and it's just been one thing after another...well, I'm guessing you don't really care. SO!

I will get on with it and wish you happy reading!

The breeze blowing from the hills hits my cheeks, staining my skin with bumps and tickles. The sensation of my lips on this person’s in front of me is a different one altogether.

Horrible. 

My eyes snap open, taking in the clean shaven skin inches from my eyes. Nash’s own are shut as he kisses me back. He leans farther forward, pressing my back into the emerald green blades bracing against the wind. I feel my hair fan out beneath my head as my spine repositions on the grass. I get a flashback to the day of Matt’s memorial, when Zack began kissing me in the car. Marley saved me from a very uncomfortable situation that day. 

But now, there is no Marley to come to my rescue. I have to do the heroics myself. And as Nash slips his hand under my back, towards the zipper on my tunic, I realize how difficult that may be. 

He mumbles something against my lips and I cringe, hoping he’ll get the hint that I am not enjoying this. Yet he presses on, awkwardly moving on top of my body. I squirm, twisting my hip so it’s driving into his stomach. 

“Something wrong?” he asks huskily, pulling back just slightly so his eyes can scan my face. I feel the discomfort take over my features, my teeth colliding with my lower lip. 

I work my abdomen away from him, my arms supporting the rest of my body as I scramble backward. 

“N-no.” My teeth chatter uncontrollably, shattering any chance I had of lying my way out this. The moment my mouth is shaking, it’s all over.

“Then why--”

“I think you should go.”

His expression changes immediately, his face falling, weighed down with disappointment. The previous happiness crumbles away, the beautiful facade of his face marred by sadness. 

“Okay.” he replies softly, gathering his shirt that had long since fallen off my shoulders from the ground and gaining his composure. I can tell from the slow movements he’s hoping I’ll change my mind. I wrap my arms around myself, starting down the slope. 

The walk back seems to take an eternity longer than it did up. Perhaps it’s because the silence stretching between us could be cut with a steak knife, or that the heavy footsteps we are both treading with could be beaten by a turtle. 

I open my mouth to say something, anything, to lighten the mood and banish the unwavering, wordless night. But all that escapes is air, and I shut it quickly again. 

At long last, we reach the patio door. I turn with guilt heavy in my heart and open it, letting Nash walk ahead of me. The lights in the kitchen cast a glow on his gleaming, sandy brown hair. I am tempted to apologize, to try and make this all better. But something tells me this won’t get fixed with some words strung together in the form of regret. 

“I’m sorry.” he says, sliding his arms into his jacket. 

I shake my head, unable to force words out my mouth. Crossing my arms over my chest and leaning against the counter, I watch as he slips out the door without another word. 

“Uggghhhh!” I yelp, sliding down the wall and banging my head against it, hoping I can knock myself out. 

.  .  .

“So, how was seeing the ol’ ball and chain last night?” Beth questions the next morning as I finish dressing Charlie in her outfit. 

“Don’t even joke.” I mutter back, placing Charlie in her playpen. 

“What’d I say?” she asks as she pops a grape in her mouth. 

“Nothing. It’s just--”

“What happened?”

I busy myself, straightening the magazines displayed on the coffee table and standing my parents’ wedding photo back up. It’s facedown for some reason. “He kissed me.” I say under my breath. 

“Pardon?” she asks, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me around to face her. 

“I said: He hehe he.” I cough into my arm. Nash’s alluring emerald eyes invade my vision. The hurt in them is so prominent. Knowing I inflicted that, it makes the remorse for what I had to do even more bitter. 

Beth takes three short strides across the room and plants herself in front of me, her mouth set in a line and her blue-gray eyes blazing. I’m hit suddenly with a realization, I see how much she resembles our mother. The hair. It floats around her head when she moves, settling back into place after like nothing ever happened. Her eyes. Soft, blue as the ocean, but in direct light you can see the gray tint as well. It’s unlike any other color I’ve seen before. The way she stands in front of me, her hands planted on her hips in an attempt to appear stern. I can see the sparkle of humor behind the mask of frustration. And for what feels like the very first, and possibly only, time in my life, the pang that usually accompanies the thought of my mother isn’t there. I only feel the love for both her and my sister balled together in one giant tangle. 

It doesn’t matter right now what’s happening with Nash. Or his psycho mother. Or his half sister who betrayed me in our teenage years. Maybe tomorrow all those things will come back to haunt me. I may have left behind a man who, yes, lied to me about something very important, but yet overlooked all the baggage and burdens I’ve obtained and earned over the years. And there’s a chance I’ll never be able to look at Charlie, my daughter, without thinking of him. But none of that will ruin this, here and now. 

I smile, letting my arms circle around her shoulders and squeeze her tight. It’s time. It’s time to finally start healing. For years I’ve picked at the scab, never letting the new skin form. But I’m now ready to let the scar fade. Let my family mend the torn places and act like a family again. 

“What was that for?” Beth asks when I release her. 

“For being you.” I answer with a smile. 

She laughs, the dimples in her cheeks standing out like craters in the moon. “You’re so weird.”

“Back at you.”