My grandmother came and woke me up this morning for church. I never really liked going but it was a way out of the house so why not? I got up showered changed and brushed my teeth. Then I went to get my parents and siblings breakfast. I was bothered by this routine. Mostly because they could get it themselves but choose not to. But I guess its like paying them back for still being here so its fine. So I went downstairs to be stopped by my grandfather. After he chatted with he hugs me . making me shake slightly. I am pretty afraid of being touched , the only tome i can tolerate is if they ask or tell me. He looked at me and told me I never should changed. I told him ok. I just wanted to leave. So I hurried away, made the food and brought it upstairs and went to my room feeling sick again. I felt like throwing up but I couldn't. I just wanted to leave this earth. Why couldn't last night prayer come true
"No bother just do it yourself"
Is what I heard. I wanted to but, I promised that I wouldn't. Then My grandmother came and got me for church finally. When we got there I went to the children side of the church and sat down but after a few minutes I thought of how many people don't want me here and almost cried so I went to the bathroom and went into a stall I remembered my friends and why the left.
I was talking to mally in the group chat and I wanted to try to get someone to understand my depression so I told her but then she said she had it too and started talking about how I'm happy all the time and that I have the perfect life. Then my other friends in the chat started talking and we argued over text till mally blocked Alice and Ariel blocked me. After the fight I never told anyone about my depression ever again no matter how much it hurts. And I obey my rules to this day. Thinking about this I let out a sob and covered my mouth with my hands trying to be quiet but it hurt so much. I cant stand this anymore. It hurts. I realized someone might come get me to come back so I blew my nose, wiped all tears and walked out putting on my mask. I mostly sat there in the back while the teacher for today talked. The only time I rased my hand was when they talked about a fifteen year old dieing in her sleep. She said it wasn't natural so I said she could have overdosed on some pills before she went to sleep. But I was ignored. After an hour of being there I broke down crying 3 times. I picked up my phone and went to mallys number I texted her
"His hope your doing well mally
Goodbye"
I use the hope you doing well when ever i believe that won't respond or I know they won't. I put my phone down and hugged my self and went to my room and cried, I couldn't stop all I could do was do it silently it hurt so bad and now I was officially friendliness. I was officially alone. These thoughts only made me sob harder. After some time I pulled myself together and stoped crying a bit and listened to some music I listened to "moral of the story" it was I song that I felt matched my mood.
(Btw I was in the church bathroom)
After church we went home and I immediately went to my room and just sat in my chair. I was officially friendless. I held my head in my arms and cried. Its like I couldn't stop. Mally may have ignored me but she was one of the few people I was emotionally attached to. I knew after her ignoring me for a long time I should end it but she was my best friend. I wiped my tears and went over to my bed and fell asleep
