i don't want to set the world on fire | karlnap

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by yngcpid

by yngcpid

( tw: angst, mentions of death )

i don't want to set the world on fire by the inkspots
| karl faces the reality of an illegal love |

THE LOST LETTER
— 1941 —

dearest sapnap,

i do not know if this note will ever reach you, but i am writing it regardless.

hello, love. it is karl. your karl. today marks a year since we went our separate ways. today also marks a year since i told myself i would stop loving you. though, the love i have for you did not part with my heart. my love for you has made me selfish— it has made me unable to live without you by my side. my life has been nothing but waking up to the arising sun and falling into a deep slumber at the sight of the moons soft rays.

those nights of hearing the song of the moon and catching a glimpse of the art of dusk were quite long and lonely. i once loved those velvet nights. perhaps it was the sight of the darling moon or the thought of coming home to you every evening.

you charmed me. the charms of the incomparable sapnap— known also as my beloved nick, even now continue to burn and feed an everlasting glowing flame in my heart. i do not want to set the world on fire, nick. i adore you too much. i just want to start a great big flame down in your heart. you see, way down inside of me, darling i have only one desire. and that one desire is you, and i know no one else will do for me like you do.

no sane being would ever believe such a dove like you could ever be harmful, but when you touched me, it left a mark, and my eyes burn as if they have seen fire when i look at you.

as you are reading this letter, i imagine a face of disgust. the reaction of a man who is, quite possibly, married to a sweetheart of a woman with kids who have the face of their darling father. i understand if you wish to discard this letter, and i would even go as far as to say i will not be angry if you burned it. my love for you is an everlasting flame. but that flame is nothing compared to you— unstoppable, incomparable you.

the intent of this letter was a goodbye. a goodbye to my hope of meeting you once again. a goodbye to the love that never was. i ask you for violence, for a terrible heartbreak. maybe then can i stop watering this dead plant. but, in my eyes, you will never be anything other than grace and warmth. that is the problem.

the problem is that i love you too much to let you go. since i have left you, i have been constantly in a depressed state of mind. my happiness is to be with you. my happiness is you. nothing compares to you. touching the finest of silk is nothing compared to the warmth of your delicate hand. you are everything good in the world and so much more. my heart demands you but my mind believes it is time to move on.

this is my final farewell, nick. i wish you nothing but happiness— but if you can not be happy, do things that make you happy. look after yourself, my love. what must be for us shall, and i can only hope you receive all the good you deserve.

'til death due us part.

ever thine.
ever mine.
ever ours,

karl

// ib — ludwig van beethoven's letters to an unidentified "immortal beloved" (1812) and johnny keats letter to fanny brawn