Saving Trevor

Present

When we were kids I used to always fantasize about a life with Trevor, what we'd be like as grown-ups, and when he finally realizes that he loves me as much as I love him we'd be together forever. It was never anything too crazy, maybe get a place together and a pet, Trevor secretly likes cats. We'd have jobs we like and when the time was right one of us would pop the question, it'd be me of course but in all my fantasies when I asked he'd always say yes.

I did let all that go though, I know he'd never love me like that and so many times I've told myself I'd rather Trevor as my best friend than nothing at all because I thought our friendship was perfect, but fuck no it wasn't. We were kids and we were toxic, then we became adults and just made everything worse. So many times I look back at that day in my kitchen, throwing everything I ever had away for a stupid kiss with Trevor. A kiss I used to tell the truth because I was too scared to use words, a kiss I thought for a split second worked because he kissed me back. But it was all a trick and I fell for it.

That day should've been my one and only sign, the way Trevor reacted after our kiss should've been all the confirmation I needed, he wasn't in love with me! It took me a while to see that, anyone who truly loved someone wouldn't have said the things he said to me that day, and yet being the stupid kid that I was I just accepted it all.

I didn't know how to be anything other than the guy in love with his best friend, the one so desperate to be loved back that the second I could I gave everything to him. All those years I spent trying to get some sexual gratification from someone because I was so sure in the end Trevor would realize, he didn't need anything else, I was his one and only and I'd do anything.

See? It wasn't just him I played a part in this too, I chose to drag this out over false hopes I was giving myself, Trevor never promised me anything, I wanted this.

By the end there wasn't much of me left, I stopped being naive and accepted the truth, I thought that Trevor was just using me and in the end, would always end up with Paris. It always made sense, they could get married, have a normal life, and not have to face all the adversities being with me would bring. But honestly, Trevor doesn't know what he wants and he spent our entire lives waiting for someone to figure it out for him. I gave up because if I had to tell Trevor to be with me... then it wouldn't have meant anything.

Slowly emerging from my childhood bedroom after being in there with a week's worth of my ruins, I take my time walking down to the kitchen feeling hungry and tired. I start to hear my mother's voice unsure who she's talking to, but I don't care either whoever it is can see me like this, a disgusting mess.

When I finally walk in she immediately looks over at me and stops talking, Shannon who's standing at the counter with her turns to me. They both smile and my mom says, "you're out of bed" god this kitchen is bright.

"Hi Silas," Shannon greets me

"Did you need something?" My mom asks

Gulping before I finally speak, "Has anyone spoken to Joshua?" I ask looking between them, quickly shooting stares at each other both Shannon and my mom's posture shift, that's all the confirmation I need. "Well?"

"I spoke to him a couple of days ago," my mom quickly starts, "he wanted to know what to do with your things and I couldn't tell him to burn it all like you said, so I told him I'd come to pick it up in a few days."

After she finishes I turn to Shannon waiting for her, "I've spoken to him a couple of times about getting him and his parents their refunds back, and he wanted to be the one to tell everyone the wedding was off so I saw him and helped him make the calls." She stops talking and I nod

"So he's just not talking to me then," I walk to the dining table sitting down about to cry, "I've been calling and texting him all week—" my voice cracks as tears well up in my eyes, "and not one reply." Laying my head on my arms on the table I continue to cry, "what am I supposed to do?"