Inkless Letters

#7. A letter to a childhood friend.

Dear Melesse,

You still remember me?

I guess you do. I mean we were best friends till 5th grade. Good friends till 7th. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you. It’s actually been three years.

I might not have talked to you, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you. I think about you a lot, do you know that? God, I miss you Mel.

I’m so sorry Melesse.

I’m so sorry.

I know, I know I’m horrible. I’m mean. No one does what I did.

I’m sorry for shifting so suddenly. Without even telling you. I mean I called you from the airport, before I was about to board a flight to a brand new city. Who does that?

I know you said its okay. You cracked jokes on how awesome my new life is going to be. About how you’ll only miss me a “little”.

But your voice didn’t match your words. Every word you uttered was a desperate lie to keep me happy.

I shifted. And we lost touch.

I didn’t call because things were hard. I didn’t want to call you when I wasn’t acting positive. I’m sorry. It’s a stupid excuse I know. I know you didn’t call me either. I don’t know why, but how can I blame you? I did the same thing too.

The only way we were connected was Facebook. Yet, liking someone’s picture isn’t actually being connected, is it?

I remember the first time we had a real conversation.

You told me that your mother didn’t care about you. On the surface I was sympathetic. On the inside? I doubted you. How could that be possible? How can a mother not love her own child?

I was in 5th. Naïve. Stupid. Innocent.

The more time we spent together, the closer we became. I came to know so much about you. Your alcohol addiction. For the 5th grade sunny me, it was a shocker. But I hope I didn’t react too badly?

You started to trust me and I started to trust you. We became good friends over weeks and best friends in a couple of months.

I was trying to help you help yourself. To get rid of the alcohol that ruled your veins.  You were trying so hard, I knew you’ll do it. Slow and steady wins the race, doesn’t it?

Then one night changed everything. I still, despite being your best friend doubted the fact that your mother didn’t love you. I was assuming that it was a misconception in your brain.

But when I woke up one night, eye lids threatening to drown me in sleep, that idea shattered like fragile glass.

I picked up the phone wondering who was calling at an hour as unearthly as this.

“Ilta?” The voice on the phone questioned.

“Yes. It’s me speaking.” I shifted, slightly dazed as I couldn’t place the mysterious voice.

“I’m Melesse’s mom.”

I froze. Why was she calling me, in the dead night? “Hi aunty… you’re calling me because…?”

“Well I just realized that Melesse isn’t at home.”

The world spun as your mom calmly explained to me how she hadn’t seen you. Mel, you were supposed to be back from school at four. Where were you at two in the night?

“Aunty, is Mel’s bag there by any chance?” I asked her, and your mom found it on the study table. That meant you went home, and left for somewhere. I told your mom I’ll try to find out where you were and I cut the call.

Do you have any idea how scared I was for you Mel? My heart was bursting like a dam with too much water. The only difference was I didn’t have water inside of me. I had emotions. Raw, deep, cut throat emotions. I for once realized how true your words were, and how bad your situation was. My mind was filled with horrid scenes. What if you had passed out on the curb? What if the haze of alcohol left you lost? What if you fell into the wrong hands?

You were young and innocent like me. How much could you handle? I frantically called all our common friends, only to get sleepy voices and “No” for an answer.

No one knew where you were.

No one knew who you could be with.

No one knew anything Mel.

I called your mom an hour or so later, and she said “It’s okay.” Honestly I think she fell asleep and I woke her up. Her attitude angered me. I was not going to catch a wink, and she’s ignorant of the fact that you, her own daughter is missing?

The next day I was impatient as our bus weaved through the traffic to reach school. I ran to our spot, and you were calmly sitting there, reading.

I saw you and my eyes rained out of happiness, relief, anger and frustration. You were alive. You were sitting in front of me. You were okay.

You looked up puzzled as I wiped my tears and semi-yelled “What in the entire world is wrong with you?”

You got up as I continued. My heart was a battleground last night, and I had to get it out. “I was so worried Mel. Who the hell disappears at night? Why the hell did you do that? Do you have any idea how absolutely terrified I was because of you?”

You hugged me, and whispered “I’m sorry”.

I sighed as I hugged back and replied “Its okay Mel. Just…don’t do that again. Ever.”

You apologized profusely and promised.

You know, you never did tell me where you were that night? And every time I asked, you skillfully changed the topic. I stopped pressing, because I could sense you didn’t want to answer.

You kept your word. You never did that again. I know I’m not in touch with you, but I am with a few other friends. You’ve been clean for two years. I’m so proud of you Mel. You have no idea.

And you have a boyfriend too. Andy. He’s amazing and very sweet. Despite the fact that you’ve been together for nine months, can I say, he’s not good enough for you? No one can ever be. But I guess he’s the closest.

Stop rolling your eyes Mel. I know, sometimes I act crazy. I’m happy you guys are together. You deserve all this, and so much more.

Take care ’kay? And I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll call you?

Love you,

Ilta.