ᴍʏ ᴀɴᴛɪᴅᴏᴛᴇ // ɢᴀᴀʀᴀ ᴀᴜ // ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇᴅ

15 | brittle voices

(Name)'s POV

I have never been the one cry much . I barely made a sound as an infant , and kept a straight face throughout my childhood . The first time I shed a tear was when I was told of my parents death.

When I met Gaara , I learned about pain , and also how to handle it . I learned how to love and how to cry . The moments were not exactly pretty ones , but I would do anything to repeat the 30 days over and over again . 
This month might be the climax of my life .

As I requested , Gaara stayed by my side , and held me in a loving motion . This is probably the best moment in pathetic (Name) (Surname)'s life . Indulging it while I can , as I knew , things will be very different soon .

I had asked Sakura to arrange my discharging from the hospital today , I insisted deeply despite Sakura's pleas for me not to leave . If I stay longer , Gaara is bound to be suspicious .

I gently shook Gaara's shoulder , in an attempt to wake him up . " What is it (Name) ?" Gaara yawned as he blinked his eyes open , giving me an excellent view of his lovely eyes . I could not bear to see the same eyes crying and weeping when I leave from this mundane world . 

​​​​I have to leave Gaara either way , both of us would be hurt either way , but he would suffer less if I followed my plan .
I pondered my thoughts for several moments , a straight expression forming on my face .
A pale hand was waved in front of me , waking me from my trance . 
"(Name)? " . I swallowed a wad of saliva and turned to face Gaara .
A fake smile was plastered on my lips , but I could swear that my eyes were glassy .

" Are you okay ?" Gaara questioned , pure concern visible in his eyes . " Yep .. I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting discharged today ," I smiled . Gaara returned my smile . " That's good . We can return to Suna then ,". I blinked my eyes . " What about Temari ?" I blurted .
" Eh .. She lives in Konoha (Name) .. Shikamaru owns a house here ," Gaara stated . " Oh .." I murmured .

The sun had long rose , and light filled the room . Once we arrive in Suna , I would have to start my plan . Sure , Gaara would be hurt for a while , but not for long . The faster he forgets me , the less he suffers . I hope that is the case .

The leather couch felt nice and familiar against my back . Gaara did not allow me to drive , so we opted for a train . 
Kankurou and Yashamaru had returned several hours ago after spending days stranded at a tree house .

​​​​The flood had receded and most of the Suna citizens have returned to their homes . Things were not easy - a lot of homes were destroyed , and farm animals had perished . Simply said Suna's economy would be a bit bleak this year .

Gaara was upstairs , taking a good shower . He barely bathed since I went ill in Konoha , yet he smelled fine to me at all times . 

I should be relaxed now , but my heart was pounding against my ribcage . I had to do it , I had to distance myself from Gaara , and what happens to me afterwards does not matter . 
What he does not know would not hurt him . I curled up on the couch , my eyes growing glassy . 

All the nice things that have been going on , they will stop not long from now . But my pain will go on until I finally perish . I will be forgotten , and no one will remember that I ever existed.

I sniffled slightly , biting my upper lip . I could hear the door of Gaara's room open , and closed afterwards . I could hear his footsteps as he treaded on the staircase . 

"(Name) ? Why are you sitting there ? You should go up to your room and rest ," Gaara voiced . I shakily took a deep breath and stood up . The tears were at the verge of flowing at the moment , but I managed to kept them in . 

" I want to talk to you ," I stated , looking into his eyes . Gaara blinked . " What's with this weird atmosphere ? Lighten up ,".
I gulped - I did not know what to say . 
" Well .. You're not sick anymore , and I think my service is no longer needed here ," I uttered . Gaara shook his head . " No you can't leave ! You're a precious person to me ..".

This is it . 

" I'm sorry , but I don't feel the same anymore Gaara . I d..don't l..lo..love y..you an..ny.. mm..ore ," I stuttered . " What are you saying (Name) ?" Gaara spoke , his eyes sharp and penetrating . 

" I'm saying  that I don't love you anymore !" I burst , breathing heavily . Gaara shook his head .  " After all these times ? " he gushed . I want to cry that it was not true , but it had to be done . 
" I just said I loved you too because I pitied you .. You had nobody at the time , but now it seems that you are fine ,". After a split second , my heart wrecked at my own words . 

" You lied to me ..." Gaara breathed shakily . It was true - I lied to him a lot . 
" Yeah . I lied to you ," I blurted . Gaara eyed me gravely . " Leave ," he uttered . I never thought he would chase me out of the mansion . 
" I said leave ! I don't want to see your face ever again !" Gaara shouted , a finger pointed at my face . 

" Gladly ," I replied . I went up to the room I inhabited for the past one month and took my belongings . Well not all . Just some clothes and my favourite books . I do not need all these now . 

My eyes landed on the mochi plush pillow . 
It was such a happy day . And this thing in my hand just brings back all the memory . Perhaps it can remind me of Gaara . 

A split second later , it slipped from my hand . It was hard - it radiated too much joy which I loved deeply , but I would not be able to indulge it again . Simply said it reminds me of something good , which is once within my grasp , but now out of my reach . 

I let it stay on the bed as I pulled the suitcase out .

" Eh ? Where are you going (Name) ? " Kankurou questioned as I bumped into him on the way to the staircase . " I'm leaving .." I murmured softly .
" But (Name)!-" . I didn't linger long for him to finish his words . 

I sped down the stairs , ignoring everything around me . Gaara was standing in the living room , his head turned towards an opposite direction . 
I gulped shakily . For a moment , I stared at Gaara's figure . I wanted to hug him , I wanted to kiss him , I wanted to tell him how much I loved him . 

Suddenly he cocked his head towards my direction . " I said leave ! You are not welcome back , (Name) (Surname) ! " . It broke my heart . The way he uttered my name made it seem like a lethal poison .

I pulled my suitcase and stepped out from the mansion . As soon as I stepped out , the large doors closed immediately . 

Gaara hated me now . It hurt , but it was a good thing . My death would not matter to him now . 

Gaara's POV

Mortification . Agony . Rage . The three emotions mixed up created the worst form of depression . 

How could she do that to me ? After all these times , and she .. She doesn't love me .. I pressed my cold hand against my forehead and dropped onto the floor , tears flowing from my eyes . I never felt so broken . It was very unmanly for an adult male like me to cry , but I couldn't bottle up these feelings . They were ginormous , and they wanted to be released . 

However , I found myself unable to hate (Name) . Each time I recalled her brittle voice uttering ' I don't love you anymore !'  , I am reminded of her silvery voice saying ' I love you too ,' . But somehow , my love for (Name) didn't recede .

" I don't know why .. But somehow , I just can't hate you . Somehow , I still love you (Name) ...".

I headed towards (Name)'s room , which was serene as usual . Most of her clothes were still in the closet , and the books were still in the shelves . 

How could I expect her to bring them all with her in one go ? 
My eyes landed on the pink plush pillow , lying on top of her bed . My hand took hold of it , and I held it close to my chest .

" (Name) ... " .. I lay on (Name)'s bed , holding the mochi plush pillow in my hands . 

I said that she is no longer welcome here . I said that I no longer wanted to see her face . But now , I just wanted her to be right here.