Faceless Instincts

Train to Goldbridge

I was mulling over Wembley's records from front to back, I had my laptop and notepad opened in front of me. Wembley had executed quite a research for this. Looking from the outside, one might even think that there was nothing wrong with Dorian.

And it was disturbing.

For some bizarre reason, I was mulling over why I wanted to go.

It was now a week that I had known about it. I missed the first train that I thought I was going to take to find Dorian but now, what exactly did I expect to find?

Crying didn't suffice the loss that I felt in the moment. Even with no transparent recollection of past months, I felt something deep. Even if what Wembley said about hallucinations, I couldn't bring myself to believe it.

I had my report and I knew science and medicine didn't lie, but even the remote possibility of everything being true crushed me.

My chest felt heavy all the time and I can't remember the time when my eyes weren't watery. There was no amount of crying I could do for Dorian and there was nothing I could do but regret, the times I might have been careless, or clueless about what he was going through. The fear of losing him as a human was so intense that I stopped looking around for things that might still be a trigger.

I leaned back in my seat as a tear rolled down from the corner of my eye and as if something pushed me for it and I broke down. Resting my head on the little make-shift table I cried like a baby. Catching breath every second, I cried like a person who had lost themselves and was never to be found again.

After what seemed like forever I got back to Wembley's notes. I knew I wasn't going to find Dorian now, but I was damn sure I was going to find out what happened to him.

Dorian's first session with Wembley was just like mine, basic information where he came across like you and me; nothing out of place. The only different information that I noted down was about his partner. Another portion that caught my attention and seemed a bit strange throughout many, many sessions between them was how he - each time - denied speaking about his father.

Wembley had tried evaluating him under various illnesses and disorders but nothing ever fit his symptoms. Some of which I had confirmed were hallucinations and paranoia. He also seemed emotionally abolished from his brother which was a potential cause for his depression. However not knowing the history and roots made every assumption pointless.

When I furthered my study I found out about Dorian's mother, a woman who met with a tragic death and how much that affected not just Dorian's life but his mental state as well.

The soon exit of his father was another breaking point with which Dorian wasn't able to co-operate. The death of his father and the exit of his brother from his life was the final straw.

However Dorian disregarded any bitter feelings against his brother it appeared as if he was traumatized when his brother left. To hide the fact he decided to never mention his name in front of Wembley because he doubted that Wembley might track his brother down for further investigation, Wembley highlighted the fact that he indeed hid several things from several people.

It was tough to track down any particular illness or cause that was affecting his brain. I went through the prescription copies and found various SSRI anti-depressants, benzodiazepines for anti-anxiety and so on. They weren't very strong but they did help in the chemical reactions of the brain for better emotion control.

I rubbed my forehead as I leaned back, I remember how Dorian used to look past me whenever he was around me as if watching someone, but now under consideration that they were hallucinations and strong ones that felt so real, made me doubt my sanity. But what if those weren't mere hallucinations or delusions, what if my mind was recollecting memories?