as unsinkable as i can be // the wilds

chapter twenty-seven.

My parents always told me that I was special.

Most parents told their own kids the same thing. They could be a ballerina, or an astronaut, or an actor or whatever else they wanted to be. The world was their oyster.

Then you went to middle school, and suddenly, those dreams slipped away. Suddenly, you found yourself looking around at the kids beside you and realizing that most of them would end up working at jobs in retail, or as an accountant, or in insurance. They weren't going to be actors or NFL football stars.

They were going to be normal, middle-class Americans.

When I reached middle school, I realized that my dream of becoming a writer needed to leave. I couldn't wallow on a job that hardly anyone made it in. I wasn't going to be Stephen King. I began to focus on becoming a lawyer. It was a socially acceptable job that would get me money, but still, make my parents feel like they succeeded.

It sucks to become a failure, but it sucks, even more, when your kids become failures.

Maybe I'll turn this into a book. I don't know. Do something. But now... now, as I write this, and I think about what happened there...

Anyways. Where were we?

Ah, yes. Martha.

Martha had gotten bad.

Like yes, we all had scrapes and bruises, and yes, Dot's knee was still getting nowhere near where it should've been, but Martha...

Martha was supposed to die.

Everything about her demeanor suggested that she was truly staring into the light. It was awful to watch. To then watch Toni watch Martha, to see the guilt of knowing that she had taken that last pill.

Without knowing what I was doing, I pulled Toni aside that night. Nothing good inside of me could continue to watch her, staring at Martha as if she were already gone. She was tough. Toni was the one who gave us backbones. 

We couldn't afford to lose her. 

Surprise flickered across her face when I pulled her away from the others, but she smothered it in a second, taking in the feel of my skin against hers.

I was taking it in, too.

"She's going to be okay," I said, collapsing on the shore a long distance away from the campsite. We had walked in silence, for a while, around the bend of the island until we knew that we would hear someone coming before they saw us.

I hadn't realized if that was on purpose, but as she sat with her arm against mine, my breath caught in my throat and I suddenly was terrified and excited about where the night was going to go.

"I know," she responded, her eyes fixated on the side of my face. "It's just hard to watch." She spread her legs out in front of her, shorts bunched up on her thighs, exposing strips of skin I hadn't seen before.

I tore my eyes away before she could notice me wet my lips.

"Dot knows what she's doing, more than the rest of us combined. We have to trust her, even if she's hurt."

Toni made a noise in the back of her throat.

"Trust... not my best quality."

I smiled a little. "Is it anyone's best quality?"

Toni turned to me, and this time, I didn't break eye contact. I fell into it. "You seem pretty trusting of a girl you just met."

It took me a split second to realize she was talking about herself.

"I could say the same about you."

And...

Lips. Soft, but power smoothing the lines of her. Hesitation. When she pulled away, her eyes asked that question, and I nodded, despite everything my brain was telling me not to do.

More lips. Hungry, starving even. Needing to be closer, closer, until clothes were being strung off and our hair tangled with sand. My fingers ran over places that were familiar, and the previous night of us came flooding back in waves. I knew all about her. I knew what made her tick, what caused that beautiful smile on her face, one that barely ever presented itself.

"I love you, Toni," I mumbled against her lips.

"I love you, Raelynn."

And as the night progressed, our bodies became more and more accustomed to the feel of not being alone.

For the first time in my life, I finally had something worth writing about.

I finally had someone worth writing for. 

<><><>

IM LATE. I'm later than I've been in a while, I'm aware of the fact. 

I, however, have recently (over the past three weeks) developed some ANXIETY TICS. 

WHOO. 

So that's been... fun? Interesting? 

Mine have all been motor, thank God, but they've gotten worse, and then better, and then worse again. Right now, as I write this, I've had to look up every five seconds and jerk my neck in many different shapes. It's been a blast.

Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this terribly written chapter. I'll get better about updating, I promise. Once summer comes around, I'll be once away. 

Maybe. 

KEEP READING!!

xoxo,

Em :)