Never Really Gone

Chapter 45

Ezra's POV

I'm scared.

I don't know what's happening.

I don't understand why everything hurts.

I don't know where I am.

It feels like the Void, but it's terrifying. I can't breathe properly. I don't feel safe. I can't feel the comfort I always associate with the End. I can't remember what's real and what's in my head, and it's like there two parts of me screaming at each other.

One tells me I need to get out of here and kill Xisuma, to take revenge on him for putting me here.

I don't understand which side is right, and it hurts me. I don't know whether to trust my brother or kill him. Whether to try to get back to Hels and BadTimes or to get as far away from them as I can. Whether I'm a good person or not. If I should give up or try and escape.

Whatever happened to my head after I left the Watchers really messed me up. I can hardly remember anything. I think I hurt Xisuma... and I don't know how to feel about it.

I should feel bad right? He's my brother, we've practically been best friends since we were born. Or should I feel satisfied? Hels said he abandoned me... but I don't know whether to trust him or not.

I'm distracted by a shortness of breath, and struggle to get air for a moment. I always hated the Void, it was too dark and scary, and I always stayed away from it. Now I'm stuck here, with no means of getting out again.

Choking on the air once again, I yell in frustration, which only makes it harder to breathe. I take the heavy, red armor off of me to try and help, along with my binder, leaving me in just the clothes I wore underneath.

I'm able to breathe much easier, and I wrap my fluffy, black wings around me like a blanket. Then I cry.

I let all my emotions out in a mess of tears. Fear, sadness, confusion, anger, grief... everything. Maybe I cry for a few hours, maybe it's only 5 minutes. I don't care, I just want things to be ok again.

I just want Xisuma and my moms and-

Oh no.

Grian.

I forgot Grian.

What happened to him?! Is he ok?! Was he with X and Joe in Hermitcraft?! Did I hurt him?! Does he even remember me?!

I realise I'm beginning to panic, and take a deep breath. Grian has to be ok... he's smart, and has Gold Magic, he's able to protect himself. Sighing, I wish my boyfriend's (Can I even call him that?) arms were hugging me. I wish I could see his happy smile and the love in his eyes, and hold him close to me so nobody can take him away.

I remember holding his hand, relying on him to guide me as blood blurred my vision. The stabbing pain over my eye, and his fingers intertwined with mine as some kind of comfort.

Then I jumped through the portal... and it all went away. I can't remember what was real and what was nightmares, everything seems messed up and blurry. I can't even tell if anything was real, if my entire life was just some horrible dream and I've been here the whole time.

The emptiness is already driving me insane. I can't take it for much longer, even if I've only been here for a short amount of time... or have I? The horrible burning feeling throughout my whole body as Xisuma banned me, the terrified look in his eyes...it felt like both years and only a few moments ago.

Maybe it never happened.

Maybe this is a dream.

 Maybe everything else was a dream.

Maybe the Void is the only thing that's real.

Maybe I'm already dead and this is what the afterlife looks like.

Or maybe nothing exists anymore and I'm not real.

I can't even tell anymore.

I just want it to be over.