Alive ~BokuAka

The shadows [10]

The shadows had always been scaring me. I was afraid of the dark, but I was even more afraid of admitting it.

I couldn't sleep. That night I couldn't sleep at all. Always too focused on the small corner of my room and the white eyes which had been scaring me all the time. I knew this wasn't real, I could feel that this wasn't real, yet they scared me and they knew they did.

Once in a while I also felt alone again. There was no one, not even the warm feeling of another hallucination.

Past few days my hallucinations only got worse, it started when I looked Akaashi in the eye and the first hallucination made its way to me, it got me thinking there was something off with him, but this wasn't true. He looked like he always did, nevertheless I saw something else.

The second one followed the day after. I came home from work and heard someone call my name, I answered all the time, yet it didn't stop until Akaashi came to me, asking what I was doing. But the time helped me to recognize differences between reality and hallucinations. I could tell them apart, even though it was difficult for me.

I didn't want to admit it, yet I had to. The feeling of someone being with me all the time had already triggered my forgotten mental disorder and now it was worsening. The case I feared the most had come true.

But there was nothing I could do besides waiting until I could talk to the doctor about it. Even though I still needed to wait almost a whole month, I had no other choice than to wait.

Don't panic, please don't start to panic. It is not real. It is not real.

The thing in the corner of my room won't disappear, didn't matter how often I closed my eyes and told myself this was not real, none of them were real. When I opened them again I looked directly into those white, blank eyes. The monster staring at me, me staring at it. None of us dared to look away for a second.

Shit, I needed to calm down, my heart was racing and I was at the verge of having a heart attack. I could feel my hands and legs shiver under the warm blanket while the cold sweat was running down my temples.

I closed my eyes again so I couldn't see the pale figure anymore. I tried to calm myself down again, yet it was pointless. I needed an angel. Please, something must save me from my fantasy. I needed to be saved from myself.

I wanted cry, yet the the tears were stuck in my eyes, they wouldn't set my feelings free. I wanted to scream for help, yet my voice came out as a whisper, shivering that much that you couldn't even make out what I was saying. I wanted to move, turn around to the other side of the bed, yet my body was frozen on the spot and it felt heavy, as if all of my bones were made out of stone, and my muscles didn't work properly anymore, so I couldn't move my arms, my legs, I was paralyzed, I was helpless, I was petrified, stiffened. And I wanted to open my eyes again and I wanted to let a whimper out and I wanted everything to disappear, I wanted to disappear myself, make my body invisible. I'd do anything to not see it, I couldn't bare to see the demon in my corner anymore.

Save me, save me from myself and from that cruel feeling in my chest.

I bit my lip harshly, feeling the blood coming out, brought its metallic, disgusting taste on my tongue. I swallowed heavily and my eyes shot open.

It was there. It moved. It could move. It made its way towards me. Crawling on its hands. It stood up. It was high, higher than me. It watched me. Carefully. As if it knew I could see it, even though I shouldn't.

It was not real. It was not real. But still I could feel the coldness standing right beside me. This creature was far beyond good. It scared me, it scared the shit out of me even when I didn't look into its eyes or look at it in general.

'Save me, please, please dear god, send an angel to me,' I prayed over and over again.

Akaashi. Please, Akaashi. Please come here.

And the door burst open. As if this boy had read my mind and felt that I definitely wasn't okay here. As if he could hear my thoughts, my prayers for help, as if god had really sent me an angel...

"A-Akaa-shi," his name came out as a stutter, my dry lips weren't able to form a sentence, so I closed my eyes and my mouth again. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't explain what had just happened, but I didn't need to because he understood. He understood me without words.

"Shhh, calm down, Bokuto-san, it's not real. Everything is fine now. I'm with you."

Those were exactly the words I needed to hear from somebody, from him. I knew it wasn't real, I knew that all the time, and probably were 'it's not real' not the words I needed, but when I heard the last part, 'I'm with you', it made me calm down a bit. He protected me, he protected me from myself and as long as he was with me, no one and nothing could harm me. That was what those words meant to me. They couldn't harm me. It could never harm me. All of them exist in my fantasy and in my fantasy only, yet my decease made my fantasy overstep its boundaries, so fantasy and reality couldn't be separated properly anymore.

"You can open your eyes now, Bokuto-san. It won't be here anymore, you won't see it anymore."

And as I did so, I could see a dimmed light coming from my nightstand. I felt his hands as they patted my back, and his worried eyes laying on me.

His hands, those perfect-

My eyes widened, his hands were warm, all of a sudden his warmth embraced me. I took them, held his hands and my thumb brushed over them. He was so warm right now.

What was this feeling? What was he feeling? Was it l-love? Was this even real?

I snuggled up to him. He was flustered, yet he let me. I felt that warmth, listened to his heartbeat, I felt the life rushing through his veins. And his soft voice reassured me, he will forever be there.

"It's alright now, I'm here."