Alive ~BokuAka

My desire for love [7]

My desire for love was the reason why it felt like there was always someone by my side. Well, that's what I thought after all.

I was sure about that. Every time I was alone, the feeling of someone holding my hand or embracing me wouldn't go away. Perhaps those were signs of loneliness. Or maybe my soul wanted to make me confess to Akaashi. Yet, I really wasn't ready for that. I needed some more time, time to think about what words I should say to him and to sort all these emotions in my chest out.

And then when Akaashi was with me, it suddenly disappeared. Probably because I always was too focused on him, thus I forgot about my surroundings and probably because my feelings were going crazy when he was here, so I couldn't notice another warmth than his.

But still it made me worry a bit about me.

I mean it didn't make me feel uncomfortable, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, it was more like the opposite. I felt hugged, like somebody truly cared about me, I felt free and I felt loved.

However, I knew this wasn't normal, I shouldn't feel that way. And besides that, my curiosity had grown so I decided to call my mom and tell her about that.

It had been a long time since I called her. I didn't even tell her about Akaashi when he had been in the hospital. Not that I don't trust her, that wasn't true at all. The problem is that she was very stressed out all the time and I didn't want to bother her with my problems or be a burden to her. If I had told her, she wouldn't have slept for weeks. I just didn't want to do this to her because I knew it would make me feel even worse.

Yet now the time had come. I really needed her help, so I called her. I heard the dial tone, not for long though because she picked up almost abruptly.

"Hello? Koutarou sweetie, you're fine?"
"H-hey mom. I hope I don't disturb you right now," I uttered, fiddling with my fingers.
"No, no, don't worry about it, it's fine. I'm always happy when you call me." She spoke those words so lovingly, and she always told me how happy my calls made her. But I knew that her work pressured her too much and she didn't have many free minutes. Nevertheless she tried to care for me and always said it was fine and okay. My mom really was a lovely person.

"So now, Kou, where's the problem? You obviously have something on your mind, don't you?"

I nodded, realized she couldn't see me and quickly responded with a "yes". Silence was filling the room when I thought about my words and she waited patiently. Soon I spoke up again, "Mom, past week I felt pretty weird. It was like someone was embracing me, but I was alone. To be honest, I still get that feeling and I don't know why. Am I going crazy? Or am I imagining things?"

I could hear her sigh. I felt so sorry at this moment, but she was the only one who could answer my question and help me.

"Koutarou, I will tell you. Listen to me, everything will be fine, there's no need to worry, we can fix this. Okay, when you were a kid, at the age of 5 or 6, you often told me that you saw a boy and he played with you. Also he came over and you told me you two would go to your room, you spent hours there talking to someone I couldn't see, I could never even feel a presence next to me, while you were claiming that he was standing right there. So I went to a doctor with you. Back then it was clear, you had a mental disorder, you had hallucinations. After some more sessions with your therapist, he gave me a recipe and I had to buy some pills for you. They made you very sleep, yeah, I remember when I gave them to you, you almost immediately fell asleep. They really made you sleepy, but they worked. After that you never felt something unusual and you also didn't see the boy anymore."

I was speechless. While she was telling me and when she finished I totally was speechless.

Had I really forgotten about this? How could I not remember something that important in my life?

"O-oh my god, mom, I-I didn't know. I can't remember anything like that, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, don't be sorry and stay calm, Kou. Of course you can't remember, you were a little kid when we went to the doctor. It's impossible for you to remember, all of this had happened such a long time ago."

I felt relief wash over me, at least there was a smile explanation for this. Okay, not that simple, but I could be healed once, so there was a chance I could be twice.

"You should go to a therapist again, describe the feelings you have and then tell him you went through this already. I will send you the name of the pills you took back then, if I remember of course."

It really felt good to hear that everything could go back to normal again.

"Thank you, mom, I will do so. Thank you so, so much."
"No need to thank me, honey, tell me how it was, okay? And call me when you're feeling better. I guess I need to go back to work now, my break is almost over.Bye for now and best regards to Akaashi."

"I will tell him, bye, mom."

And with that I ended the call.

–

A knock on the door. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts.

I was sitting on the sofa, scrolling through my phone for an hour or two, after the call had been ended.

The door opened, he entered the room. He. Akaashi.

"Akaashi, you're here again. You brought all your stuff?"
"Y-yeah about that, actually I didn't even bring that much with me, so for sure its not all my stuff."
That made me smile, it meant I had the chance to see him in my shirts or hoodies more often.

"Oh, that's not a problem, you can borrow mine, you know?"
"Thanks, Bokuto-san."

No words in this world could express how happy I was, how happy he made me. And that boy wanted to move in with me again, it made me even happier. I only wish in the future I could make him feel like I do. Maybe I would get my chance, maybe I wouldn't, but instead of that another girl or another guy would.

Ugh, I mustn't think of that or I will switch to emo-mode again.

Just, just hold him.

Yeah, that's what I wanted. Bring my arms to his back, hug him and don't think of letting that boy go anymore was exactly what I wanted.

"I go to the living room," he said as I was immediately following him.

"You follow me, again?"

To be honest, I kind of followed him everywhere, when he came over. I just needed to be near him.

"Come on, Bokuto-san," his voiced was sweet and calm, "how long do you plan on following me around?"

I saw him grinning, making my heart light up again, making my own smile shine brighter than the sun I think.

I'm sure with him by my side I could do anything. I could move mountains, I could break rocks. All I needed was him.