Green Eyes [Peter x Caleb: Divergent Fanfiction]

1 | The Memory Serum

~ Peter Hayes ~

"That's why I want it," I said, my voice shaking.

Tobias stopped, not turning around.

"I want the serum because I'm sick of being this way," I admitted. "I'm sick of doing bad things and liking it and then wondering what's wrong with me. I want it to be over. I want to start again."

Start again.

The words rang in my head, and the whole weight of it all settled on me, like a heavy weight. It would mean remembering nothing from my past, not remembering who I am. But it would also mean being free from the burden of all the horrible things I've done.

"And you don't think that's the coward's way out?" He said over his shoulder.

"I think I don't care if it is or not," I replied.

I noticed him putting his hands in his pocket, where the vial was. I got to my feet and brushed off the snow from my clothes.

"Don't try to mess with me again," Tobias said. "And I promise I'll let you reset yourself, when all this is said and done. I have no reason not to."

I nodded. My stomach churned. I didn't want to do this. Deep inside, I wanted to do anything but this. But I needed to. I couldn't live this way anymore, especially when I had the chance to start over, have another go at life.

* * * * * *

"Did you reset her?" I asked, tapping my foot on the ground.

"No," he replied. I wasn't surprised.

"Didn't think you would have the nerve."

"It's not about nerve. You know what? Whatever." He shook his head and held up the vial of memory serum. "Are you still set on this?"

I could hear my mind screaming at me, to say no. Instead, I nodded.

"You could just do the work, you know," Tobias said. "You could make better decisions, make a better life."

I was getting annoyed that he wouldn't just give the serum to me already. Because the longer I waited, the more I wanted to try being a better person, but I knew that would never happen. It was impossible. At least, without the memory serum.

"Yeah, I could. But I won't. We both know that."

"What do you want to remember? Any memories you want to keep?"

The words pierced through me like shards of glass. I blinked, searching through every memory I had. Every part of my life. I was desperate to have something to hold on to, something to keep, something to convince me that I didn't hurt everyone I ever met. I was desperate to know that there was someone, someone who thought of me like a person: someone who thought I still had some human inside of me.

Caleb.

The name fluttered to my mind. I remembered the whole time, when both of us were considered traitors, we had somehow understood each other. He never called me a bad person, he never looked at me like I was some sort of heartless creature. He had considered me human, and I was grateful to him for that, even though I never showed it.

I remembered our time on the plane, or when both of us would share our research. I didn't want to forget that. I wanted to remember him. 

A murmur escaped my lips.

"What?" Tobias asked.

It was at that moment, that I realised that I was a coward. I didn't fit any factions. But not because I was like Tris, because I was all of them. I was none of them. I wasn't brave, I wasn't selfless, I was anything but peaceful, I had no particular interest in knowledge, and I was definitely not honest.