Are You In or Are You Out?

Part 18

AN: as per usual all mistakes are my own.  Please comment and share.

Chapter 18

Two months. It took two whole months for things to settle to a semblance of order. Robyn kept much to her original routine although the exercising was much tougher than before, she still loved to run, still loved to be barefoot. She spent more time with Maria and she was teaching her how to use the security equipment, the coms and a lot of the tech that Maria usually managed while the others were out saving the world. Maria had told her that it was nice to have someone to share it with. She kept thinking that maybe Maria was trying to help her find a place there and she participated that.

It had also taken those two months for her to feel like she wasn't going to jump out of her skin whenever someone rounded a corner and a month for her to really realise what she had truly taken away from herself. A month to feel the regret seep into her like a disease.

She knew it had been a choice made in haste, a mistake, although one done for the right reasons. She couldn't smell anyone or anything any more, she couldn't tell who was in the next room or hear a conversation from four floors up. Every once in a while she thought that she heard a growl, but it was never a growl, it was always something else, something insignificant in her surroundings and it just made her sad and like she had lost or misplaced something. It made her heart ache, an actual physical pain that at night mad her cry silently as she tried to sleep. She hid it well from the others, she didn't want them to know how she felt, didn't want to see their pity or possibly hear an 'I told you so'.

The team had been the best possible people in the world as far as she was concerned. They didn't pander to her or make her feel bad about anything, they all just got on with things. Included her like normal and treated her the same as they always had since she had been with them.

She and Nat were even closer, they talked often into the night and Robyn felt privileged that Nat trusted her enough to tell her some things from her past, growing up, the Red Room. They spent most of their time together, Nat was trying to convince her to start self defence, but she didn't want it, she just wanted to run and be healthy nothing more. She told her the truth, that she never wanted to fight anyone ever again. What she meant was that she never wanted to feel like she was a threat to anyone ever again.

The addition of Wanda to their home was a good fit, she was kind and sweet with a little sass that helped to keep the men in check, although she was going the grief of loosing her brother. Vision was odd, and Robyn shouted his name most days when he materialised through a wall in front of her without warning, once in her room very nearly catching her without any clothes on.

Steve was still there like a solid force that she knew would make her feel safe and good and cared for until the world itself stopped turning, the thoughts of him made her smile and gave her a little light in her everyday. He seemed to spend less time alone with her though, she wasn't sure why, but she had noticed and it hurt a little. She still hadn't really spoken to him properly about her taking the Mutant cure and still had a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that he was somehow disappointed in her.

Bucky on the other hand was something completely different. He had made an effort to try and talk to her everyday, be a friend. They had talked, but neither had brought up the subject of their heated phone call yet, or the attraction between them, she was still so confused by it all, so traumatised by the fact that she had almost been forced to find him attractive, almost forced to want him so badly. But then her mind could no longer smell that warmth spreading scent that she had grown to desire so wantonly and she still desired it. The more time passed the more that she was able to realise that she did have a want and a need for him, but the intensity wasn't there it had been implanted from Hydra. She was genuinely attracted to him and his warm smile still made warmth spread through her body in the same delicious way that his scent once had. She just couldn't separate her attraction to him and Hydra, she felt violated by him, though he hadn't touched her. Exposed to him in a way that she hadn't allowed. She felt exploited, like she was bait for his trap and it wasn't his fault because he hadn't actually done anything wrong, but...they had spent five long years making her specifically for him. Her memories of that time were still patchy, but she still knew what they had done. Forced her to watch footage of him, shown her picture after picture, filled her with drugs and made her believe in some twisted way that he was her only salvation. Twisted her thinking so that all she could think about was that she had to please him until they had finally stuck her in some god awful machine, electrocuted her, caused her so much pain that she had wet herself, passed out and then couldn't even remember her own name.