Imperfections & Love

Therapy

Levi's POV

After all I've been though and accomplished last year while at Charlotte's rehabilitation center, I didn't think I would feel this helpless again.

I promised Charlotte that I would get back to physical therapy, not realizing that it would be for six hours every day. Charlotte filled Nate in on everything I neglected to do in England and they both came up with a plan to get me back on track... to where I was at before l left.

This time around, I didn't have Charlotte here pushing me and telling me everything was going to be ok. Nor did I have Jake participating along with me and reminding me how much of a wanker I was to skip out on my therapy back home. It was just me and Nate now.

At least Charlotte's parents are staying with us and taking care of her while she recovers from her surgery, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to leave her while I'm at rehab for most of the day.

Unfortunately, I'm back to needing the use of both crutches because of the pain I'm having and my left knee gives out when I try to walk. Both Nate and Charlotte are trying to avoid me having to go back into a full leg brace again, so both crutches it is for a while.

Charlotte keeps explaining to me what happens with spinal cord injuries, she reminds me how lucky I am and it's a miracle that I was able to walk again within a year after my accident. She also apologizes to me everyday for pushing me to go back home, and blames herself for how I've physically regressed.

"I knew better than to let you go. People with spinal  cord injuries need life long therapy to keep and gain more function, I knew that, but I was selfish at the time and I'm sorry," Charlotte solemnly repeats to me on a daily basis.

Of course, I respond by telling her it wasn't her fault that I skipped my therapy sessions in England. But then she reminds me that I really needed more than an hour a day there to keep up my strength.

What's done is done now. We both regret and learned from our mistakes and now I have to endure the physical consequences.

Seven days a week I do weight training and gait training, followed by the infamous parallel bars and stair climbing. The worst part of the day is when Nate has me walking in the pool for an hour without a brace. The buoyancy of the water assists with holding up my weight but also acts as resistance when I try to walk. I last about ten minutes before every muscle in my left leg spasms then gives out on me, causing me to swim with my arms so I won't go under water, resulting in having to clutch to the pool edge to guide me while I walk. It's been torture, especially since my left arm's proving to be weaker than I thought and threatens my sanity with the occasional forearm and hand twitching. I was feeling helpless again, not a feeling I wanted to revisit.

Feeling helpless made me angry and frustrated, which resulted in me taking it out on Nate. The professional he is, didn't let it bother him; he's experienced this from me before. It was Charlotte whom I didn't want my bad mood affecting. Thankfully, my therapy would always end with the hot tub. Submerging in the hot water relaxed my muscles and gave me time to reflect.

"I want to be taking care of Charlotte right now, not the other way around," I would tell Nate.

"I can't carry anything for her, like bring the grocery bags in the house, it's hard to help her clean and cook, I can barely do anything for her while on crutches, and I am exhausted after therapy everyday," Nate listened to me ramble on.

"It will get better, you know that. Everything is always harder before it's better, you will be able to help her with all of those things, just not yet. Charlotte knows this too, so don't let yourself get depressed about it," Nate assured me every time I felt bad about myself.

I couldn't help the way I felt though. Almost two months ago I left here able to walk on my own without crutches. I could hold Charlotte's hand while we strolled side by side. Yes, I still wore a brace on my paralyzed leg and yes, going up and down steps were difficult, but I was able to do a lot more. Now I feel like I am starting all over again. I know it's not starting from the beginning when I couldn't even feed myself, but it's like I got into another accident and I am fighting to get my limbs working again. A staircase is now my worst enemy.

I came back so I could be with Charlotte, help her, take her on dates, hold her hand, fix things around our flat, work around here, marry her and go on with our lives like a normal couple. Instead, she's back to taking care of me again and I know I need her, but I guess I feel like less of a man. That is the best way I can describe what I'm feeling. I know she loves me no matter what and she doesn't mind helping me because she hates seeing me struggle, I just want to be the one taking care of her for once. I also don't want to admit to myself that my body will never be how it was before my accident, I'll always suffer from paralysis, and I will always need Charlotte's help in some way.

I need to keep telling myself that I will get back to walking on my own again and when I do, I will keep up with daily therapy so that this predicament doesn't happen again. When my strength returns, I will be able to focus on learning how to jog maybe, and climb stairs in a normal fashion, doing fun things like hiking and biking with Charlotte. All things I need to keep striving for. I'm at least going to be walking without crutches by our wedding day, mark my words.