Homestuck! MsPARP Adventures!

8 - John and Dave - I want to punch you in the mouth

ectoBiologist [JOHN] joined chat.
turntechGodhead [DAVE] joined chat. ~~ me ~~

DAVE: i want to punch you in the mouth
DAVE: softly
DAVE: with my mouth
DAVE: because i like you
JOHN: wh
JOHN: i'm not really sure how to respond to that.
DAVE: come on egbert
DAVE: im pouring my heart out here
DAVE: give me something to work with
JOHN: i guess i'll say that it probably would not be the end of the world if that were to happen.
DAVE: so
DAVE: is that a
DAVE: yes?
DAVE: or
DAVE: a maybe?
JOHN: sure.
JOHN: that was dramatic.
DAVE: it was spontaneous and beautiful
DAVE: dont you deny it
JOHN: it was faintly cool but it also sprang out of the blue and into my face while wearing a dollar store scream mask.
DAVE: fuck yes it did. shit was so fucking scary and spontaneous even it shit its pants. like. hold back there motherfucker. shits getting too in your face to handle
JOHN: but like.. by a kitten or something. that was trying to- okay, ill leave the metaphors to you. the point being it was still kind of sweet i guess in some weird way but i was not prepared for that!
DAVE: that was kinda the point egderp
DAVE: it was supposed to be like
DAVE: a big reveal
DAVE: some big government secret meant for your eyes only
JOHN: well then you succeeded.
JOHN: you also did scare me a little there at first.
DAVE: good scare or bad scare
DAVE: i didnt make you shit your pants did i john
DAVE: because i dont think i can recover from that
JOHN: bad scare, because i thought you wanted to punch me in the mouth.
JOHN: i managed, somehow, not to shit my pants though.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: good
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: that you didnt shit your pants
DAVE: not that you thought i wanted to punch you in the mouth
DAVE: i wouldnt do that
JOHN: that's a relief!
DAVE: yeah. no
DAVE: im not into punching dudes i like
JOHN: and when you put it like that, it kind of just sounds like you're going to affectionately headbutt my mouth, just saying.
DAVE: what
DAVE: no
DAVE: thats not what i was going for
DAVE: it was supposed to be like
DAVE: manly
DAVE: but affectionate
DAVE: sorta
JOHN: pffhaha.
JOHN: no, i just assumed you were a goat but affectionate.
DAVE: whatever man
DAVE: i got my message across
JOHN: that you like to headbutt affectionately. yes, that is perfectly okay, you do you!
DAVE: john
DAVE: please
DAVE: stop
DAVE: i am humiliated enough
JOHN: i support your decision to reconnect with your mountain goat heritage, you don't have to feel bad.
DAVE: fuck you man
JOHN: hehe! okay, i'm done.
JOHN: baah.
DAVE: i swear to god john i really will punch you in the mouth
DAVE: unaffectionately
DAVE: with my fist
JOHN: "i wouldnt do that" - dave
JOHN: okay, for real now. no more making fun of your ancestry.
JOHN: i apologize.
DAVE: apology accepted
DAVE: dweeb
JOHN: thank you.
DAVE: now that the goat-jokery is behind us why dont we focus on something thats actually important
JOHN: i think goat-jokery is really important, but what do you have in mind?
DAVE: i dont know. i was kinda hoping youd just jump in there with something not goat related and wed go from there
JOHN: so. how do you feel about sheep?
DAVE: john i swear to god i will throw you from the roof of my apartment
JOHN: haha! i'm sorry. it's hard to resist.
DAVE: well resist harder bro or therell be one less buck-toothed sap for me to crush on
JOHN: heh, right okay.
JOHN: do you consider 'actually important' matters to include the fact that you just confessed your undying goat love for me? because we can talk about that.
DAVE: so. are we a thing now? is that how this works? i spill my guts and you say ok and the two of us frolick off into the gayest of sunsets trailing rainbow pride flags and crying christians as we go
JOHN: i really don't know. i'd be up for being a thing but maybe not that publicly because i fear for my life.
DAVE: ok cool
DAVE: we can stick to the closet
DAVE: get hot and heavy in that closet
JOHN: we don't have to stick all the way to it, but just like. mostly.
JOHN: like it could be okay around people we know maybe??
DAVE: alright
JOHN: i'm probably overthinking this.
JOHN: but it's just sometimes the general population scares the shit out of me.
DAVE: nah man
DAVE: its cool
DAVE: closets comfortable
JOHN: alright cool.
JOHN: thanks.
DAVE: we can lock that closet up tight till youre ready to spit back up the key and step out into the sun
DAVE: its no problem man
DAVE: just doing my gentlemanly duty
JOHN: heh. appreciated.
DAVE: appreciation recieved
DAVE: but you have to know
DAVE: there will be no con air in the closet
DAVE: ever
JOHN: aww, come on.
DAVE: nope
DAVE: no stuffed rabbits
DAVE: no filthy wife beaters
DAVE: no criminally piloted planes
DAVE: no nic cage
DAVE: no con air
JOHN: that's okay, i kind of grew out of that movie in a sudden fit.
JOHN: let's not talk about it.
DAVE: woah
DAVE: thats a major fucking change
DAVE: but alright
JOHN: except not nic cage as a whole just that movie.
JOHN: i know, sh!
DAVE: alright alright
DAVE: you wanna keep it hush hush
DAVE: i can respect that
DAVE: my lips are sealed
JOHN: thank you.
DAVE: i am curious about the change though
DAVE: but if you dont wanna talk about it its cool
JOHN: man, i was going to say something important and you totally distracted me.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: in that case do continue
DAVE: i wont disrupt your important talks
JOHN: i don't remember!
DAVE: well shit
DAVE: wring that brilliant mind of yours egbert i wanna know what the important thing was
DAVE: its bugging me now that i dont know
JOHN: uh.
JOHN: oh yeah!
DAVE: go on
JOHN: i was going to take a second and sincerely say that i like you because before i was kind of just confused about if you were joking and stuff and so i just went with it.
JOHN: so, there you go.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: uh
DAVE: thanks
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: for
DAVE: clearing that up
DAVE: and stuff
JOHN: you weren't joking, right?
JOHN: or were you? i'm confused again.
DAVE: fuck no
JOHN: oh phew.
JOHN: i thought i just messed up big time there for a second.
JOHN: and you're welcome i guess. that was going to be a little less blunt, but i'm just going to use the excuse that i'm tired.
DAVE: the affairs of a mans heart are no joke john
DAVE: i know it sounds like everything that comes out of my mouth is some kind of shitty ironic joke but im being serious here
JOHN: it's hard to tell, dude. really.
DAVE: i know
DAVE: sometimes i have trouble telling if im being ironic or not
DAVE: but i like you
DAVE: like
DAVE: really like you
JOHN: i thought you were going to say like-like you.
DAVE: that sounded too childish
DAVE: what am i?
DAVE: in preschoo?
DAVE: i think not johnathon
JOHN: hahahaha yes, preschoo.
DAVE: shut up it was a typo
DAVE: point is im a man
JOHN: i'm laughing.
JOHN: OK, OK. go ahead.
DAVE: as i was trying to say
DAVE: i am a man
DAVE: a handsome man at that but thats irrelevant at this point in time
DAVE: and as a man
DAVE: i can say that a like you
DAVE: and you can know what i mean
DAVE: without the added emphasise
JOHN: like, you mean saying, like, that you like... like-like me?
DAVE: exactly
DAVE: i dont need to say it twice for you to understand
DAVE: because im a man
DAVE: a handsome
DAVE: amazing
DAVE: ironic
DAVE: cool
DAVE: man
JOHN: like because, dave, i'm not gonna like, lie. i like. like-like you.
DAVE: that was painful to read john
JOHN: almost half of the words in that sentence were 'like'. are you proud?
DAVE: im disgusted
DAVE: if you were my son i would disown you
JOHN: well.
JOHN: uh.
JOHN: you can't.
JOHN: so ha.
DAVE: wow
DAVE: what an amazing comeback
DAVE: im so wounded
DAVE: whatever shall i do now
DAVE: im so fucking hurt by johns words
DAVE: i will never recover
JOHN: you just got egBURNED!
DAVE: ok
DAVE: that
DAVE: was pretty decent
DAVE: ill give you that one
JOHN: but now i'm eggivingyouicepacks because i'm nice.
DAVE: alright
DAVE: thanks?
DAVE: i guess?
JOHN: any time.
DAVE: i think i swooned john
DAVE: so suave
JOHN: i hope you fully understand what you're agreeing to now when you decided to like me.
DAVE: its too much egderp
DAVE: your manly coolness is overwhelming
DAVE: how will i ever survive my attraction towards you
JOHN: it must be hard.
DAVE: it truly is a struggle
JOHN: you can do it, dave. you can get through these trying times.
JOHN: i believe in you.
DAVE: were like fucking king arthur and his beautiful old wizard boyfriend. or not. i may have skipped over most of that series and watched the bit where he dies and merlin sticks around for hundreds of years because he cant control the gay feelings he has for the prince. but now hes like. super fucking old. and their relationship is borderline pedophilic
DAVE: where was i going with this?
JOHN: i'm really not sure at all what you're talking about.
JOHN: is that a weird wizardfic that rose wrote?
JOHN: it sounds like it.
DAVE: i dont think i know what im talking about either
DAVE: youre probably right though
DAVE: its all roses fault
DAVE: and her shitty wizard fanfiction
JOHN: okay let's go with that.
JOHN: so.. how are we like a pedophilic relationship?
DAVE: what
DAVE: uh
DAVE: we arent
JOHN: but you just
DAVE: i dont think
DAVE: unless youve been lying to me about your age
DAVE: otherwise i think were in the clear
DAVE: that reference was bullshit and i didnt really get what i was getting at
DAVE: if i was getting at anything at all
JOHN: just quoting you about the wizard thing.
JOHN: okay. so we're like a wizard and a prince.
JOHN: i'll go with that instead.
DAVE: alright
JOHN: i call the prince though.
DAVE: what
DAVE: no way
JOHN: yes way!
DAVE: im the handsome prince sweepin you of your goddamn feet on my beautiful white steed and my shitty sword
DAVE: youre the wizard nerd
JOHN: no. not at all.
JOHN: to be fair, i don't think either of us quite fit the wizard role.
JOHN: i'm totally the prince though.
JOHN: regardless of whatever you are.
DAVE: not happening egbert
DAVE: im the prince
DAVE: you can be the damsel
JOHN: hell no.
DAVE: hell yes
DAVE: i am the prince
DAVE: the prince is me
DAVE: we are one john
DAVE: you are the damsel
JOHN: i am going to be completely and utterly stubborn on this issue. i am 100% prince.
JOHN: you can be a knight.
JOHN: that's like. super cool. perfect.
DAVE: i can settle for that
DAVE: always saving your princely ass
DAVE: sneaking into the bed chambers for a little midnight fun
JOHN: whatever floats your goat.
DAVE: again with the goats john
JOHN: heh, yup!
JOHN: you can't escape your past, dave.
DAVE: how does it feel to know that youre in love with a goat man
DAVE: our children will have goatly grandparents
DAVE: imagine the bullies
JOHN: probably just as weird as it feels to actually be a goat man.
DAVE: well its pretty fucking cool so
JOHN: as long as they don't headbutt things or eat grass in public.
JOHN: right.
DAVE: you cant fight the goat john
DAVE: it comes from within
DAVE: why must you oppress our children so
JOHN: i've been telling that to you for the past forever minutes!
DAVE: shoosh
JOHN: i'm not saying they can't, i'm saying that it'll complicate things.
JOHN: we're naming our kid billy, by the way.
DAVE: oh so billy is a burden to you now
DAVE: hes a complication is he
JOHN: little billy goat is nothing but a tiny ray of happy, awesome sunshine.
DAVE: damn right he is
JOHN: i'm glad we've got that sorted out.
DAVE: you ever actually give it some thought though?
DAVE: having kids i mean
DAVE: wow okay
DAVE: that came out of nowhere
DAVE: feel free to ignore it
JOHN: i think it'd be pretty cool maybe, i dunno!
JOHN: you're fine.
DAVE: really?
DAVE: theyre a lot of work though
JOHN: well i know!
JOHN: but it might be nice someday, who knows.
JOHN: what do you think?
DAVE: me?
DAVE: a dad?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: because thats a recipe for disaster
JOHN: pft. oh, come on. you'd make a good dad!
DAVE: sure john. id be a great dad, the whole nine yards. supportive father of the year
DAVE: dont joke
DAVE: i dont know how kids work
DAVE: or how to keep one alive
JOHN: what? i'm not joking!
JOHN: hypothetically i could do the keeping them alive part.
DAVE: john were talking about a living breathing tiny human being who cries when it wants something. throw in a guy like me and the kidll be dead in a day
JOHN: well. i don't think so. but okay.
DAVE: besides. i didnt exactly get receive the most fatherly upbringing
DAVE: what do i know about kids
DAVE: or being an adult in general
JOHN: you could figure it out!
JOHN: i wouldn't worry too much about it though.
JOHN: i mean, this is all just hypothetical stuff.
DAVE: sure
DAVE: whatever
JOHN: did i say something?
DAVE: no
JOHN: are you okay?
DAVE: im fine
JOHN: you sure?
DAVE: yes
JOHN: alright..
DAVE: lets
DAVE: change the topic
JOHN: to what?
DAVE: i dont know
DAVE: something non child/future related
JOHN: sorry.
DAVE: why are you apologising
JOHN: I dunno, though, what do you want to talk about?
JOHN: i don't know you seem sad or something.
DAVE: im not sad dude
DAVE: and its not your fault
DAVE: its just an edgy topic
JOHN: okay.
DAVE: shit
DAVE: sorry
DAVE: i made this awkward
JOHN: you're fine! i just wanted to make sure you were alright and stuff.
DAVE: im alright
DAVE: scouts honor
JOHN: good.
JOHN: dang, i'm really tired.
DAVE: why? what time is it over in the good old state of washington?
JOHN: like 1 am.
JOHN: not sure how i'm still awake, honestly.
DAVE: weak
DAVE: its three over here and im still kicking
DAVE: the red bull probably helped a little though
JOHN: well i usually go to bed like way earlier!
DAVE: thats right
DAVE: i forget your a good rule abiding son sometimes
JOHN: i think its more i just like to sleep.
DAVE: alright
DAVE: maybe i should leave you to it than
DAVE: receive your gift from the sandman
DAVE: catch some z's
JOHN: text me in the morning?
DAVE: sure thing dude
DAVE: although its technically already the morning
JOHN: alright. i'll see you soon then!
JOHN: yeah, whatever.
DAVE: night john
JOHN: night, dave!

ectoBiologist [JOHN] disconnected.