Trace

Chapter 4

~~~Ellie~~~

I lie in bed quietly, drowning in the silence of Jude beside me. He's perfectly still, staring up at nothing in particular.

"How did I die?"

He's angled his head awkwardly towards mine, just enough to maintain contact.

"You were hit by a truck at night. You were standing on the side of that narrow road going towards Union Hill."

"Why was I out on the road?"

"You got into a fender bender so you were exchanging information. And I guess the driver didn't see you."

Jude remains void of any emotion, "Was I alone?"

I nod and he sighs, "Where were my parents?"

"I don't know, but I know you passed away in the hospital, and they were with you."

"Where were you?"

I feel the same lump start to rise in my throat, so I break away to look out the window. By now the house is silent as everyone has left, and I couldn't feel more alone than right now.

"We stopped talking a while before your accident. I found out about it a few days afterward."

Jude's lips crease into somewhat of a frown until finally, a small shred of sadness settles into his eyes. He remembers that at least, that we hadn't communicated before the Christmas party. But he didn't remember the fight, and now I'm curious as to why he'd come back, especially to me.

"Where did you come from?" I peer over at him.

"Well I woke up around mid-afternoon, you know how I like to sleep late on the weekends. And I got dressed but I couldn't find my phone. So I went downstairs and tried calling my mom, she wasn't home. She finally picked up and for a minute, I was yelling into the phone but she couldn't hear me. So I tried calling Paul, he had the same reaction, I thought it was just a coincidence. But then all of my things were gone, and when I went looking for my jackets,  I found all my photos and awards in a closet. I started to panic, no one was answering when I called so I came to see you."

"So you thought today was normal, but it was November?"

Jude nods, but I can't shake the chill that starts to creep up my skin.

"Jude, you died and I don't know why you've come back, but I don't want you here."

He sits up just as I rise from the bed, confusion etched into his handsome face.

"Jude, I finally got to a good place. I finally got to sleep easy again. I found people that understand me and I'm so happy that I got to leave this depressing place. But now, you're here. This can't happen."

"Ellie-"

"I'm not going through this all over again!"

"All over again? I died once, Ellie, isn't that enough?" Jude spits backs.

"Are you sure about that?"

"What are you talking about," Jude pants, his beautiful forehead creased in frustration.

"You were wiped off the face of the Earth, Jude. The summer before senior year started, that was the last I ever saw of you. You - you just cut me out of your life! I was left stranded, as if I never existed. You ignored me Jude, completely isolated me from your life. Never in a million years did I expect that you of all people, would treat me the way you did."

 I remember feeling so lost, left reeling for weeks on end wondering what heinous crime I had committed, maybe it was something I said. But then I understood perfectly. I had been through it before. Jude just...changed. He wanted different things and I no longer fit the mold of what he expected. He severed the only I tie I had to him, and I contemplated why I had a pattern forming. It happened before with other friendships where I ceased to interest the other person. I had invested myself in him and now I was just like every one else.

There was nothing special about me. He no longer came to me when all the social bullshit reached its limit. He no longer wanted to divulge every secret or stupid thought that came to mind. We would no longer share a weird inside joke that would remain etched in our history for years to come. I was no one to him anymore.

"Ellie," his voice comes out in a broken whisper.

Finally, after so long, a pained look flashed over his handsome face and a glossy sadness settled in his pale, blue eyes. Jude tries to gather himself, and I want to reach over and hug him, but I know nothing is there. I can't even prove that he exists, let alone assure myself that I'm not hallucinating.

"Ellie. I need you right now, I don't know why I'm here either. I need to figure out why, maybe you're the answer."

"I'm not the answer, I don't want to be the answer, Jude."

He's frantic as he finally comes before me, forcing me to stare back as he suddenly slips his hands into mine. The breath catches in my chest, and I feel the coarseness of his skin and the familiar scar that lies just above the knuckle of his left index finger.

"But you are. You're the only one that can see me-"

"Maybe it's because I've become bat-shit crazy and you're a figment of my imagination!"

Jude stills, the both of us frustrated and equally distressed. But I'm touching him, and in a way that I never had. He fingers were laced with mine, palms pressed close as my fingertips grazed over his bony hands.

"Please, just leave."

"I don't know where to go."

"Go to Lauren," I look anywhere but his face, I'll crumble.

"But you're-"

"No Jude, I'm not," I exhale.