Detours

Chapter 47

Beyoncé's POV

I was hoping that by the time I got home, I'd be feeling better, and actually I was, but the moment I tried to eat, it came back full force.

I told Solange I'm going to check it, and I'm not saying that I won't, but I don't need to do it to know what's going on with me. I know exactly what it is. I saw this before. But this time it's worst.

I cleaned up the mess I did and we went back to the table. Of course it took us a minute to go back to the dinner mood, but we were able to have a good dinner after a while.

Later when I finished cleaning up the kitchen Kelly showed up, like she said she would. She told me she would stop by and check on me. She was still worried after my attack yesterday.

In Beyoncé's room

KELLY
"So, is everything in place now?"

BEYONCÉ
"We're in good terms. Hopefully, things will fall into place soon."

KELLY
"Right... and what about her decision...?"

BEYONCÉ
"I told her we are going to talk about it."

KELLY
"Will you?"

BEYONCÉ
"Yes, I just want to wait and really think about it."
"I want to be prepared to talk to her. And then we'll be able to make this decision."

KELLY
"B... You already have the answer, don't you?"

BEYONCÉ
(Sighs)
"Yeah... I know I can't tell her that she can't do it."
"I just need more time before telling her that."

KELLY
"I'm not saying that it should be easy, but seriously B, is this that hard for you?"
"I mean, will it really change things for you? Will you love her less if turns out that she is... you know?!"

BEYONCÉ
"I want so badly to say NO, it won't change anything, but I can't. I can't say for sure that everything will be the same. And I don't want it to change, Kelly."
"I don't want to look at her in a different way. She's everything I have. I love her more than anything."

KELLY
"Then don't let it change Beyoncé. Just take control and put your relationship with your daughter on top of everything else, especially your fears."

I just sighed as I looked at her and nodded. I really need to do that. I can't let my life turn into this nightmare all over again.

BEYONCÉ
"You're right, Kells ...Like always."

SOLANGE
(Knocks on the door)

BEYONCÉ
"Come in."

SOLANGE
"Hey B, I'm going to sleep, but if you don't feel well again, wake me up, okay?"

BEYONCÉ
"Alright Solo, but don't worry, I'm fine."

SOLANGE
"Good night girls."

KELLY
"Good night."

BEYONCÉ
"Good night."

SOLANGE
(Closes the door again)

KELLY
"You weren't well?"

BEYONCÉ
"Yeah... but it's nothing serious, it's just a little sickness."

KELLY
"And why is that?"

BEYONCÉ
"I'm just stressed."

KELLY
(Raises an eye brow)

BEYONCÉ
"What?"

KELLY
"It's just that... wait."
"Oh, my God B, didn't you say that you and your ex had "something" in New York?"

BEYONCÉ
"You mean sex?"

KELLY
"Yes. Beyoncé, tell me you're not pregnant."

BEYONCÉ
"I'm not pregnant Kelly."

KELLY
"I'm serious."

BEYONCÉ
"And so am I."
"I'm not pregnant Kelendria."

KELLY
"Were you on pills? You know condoms aren't that safe."

BEYONCÉ
(Sighs)
"Are you listening to me? I – Am – Not – Pregnant!"
"There was no condom and I'm not really on pills."
"But... Brian can't have kids."
"That was actually one of the reasons why things didn't work between him and his first fiancé. She kept asking him to look for a doctor and try treatment, but he didn't want to. It took him years to accept that he wouldn't be able to have children on his own and be okay with adoption. He didn't want to have his hopes up then get bad answers at the end."

KELLY
"Oh, I'm sorry about that."
"But... were you okay with adoption when you said yes to him?"

BEYONCÉ
"I think so, but I never thought too hard about it, I never thought too hard before saying yes to him, actually."
"Anyway, now can you please drop this subject?"

KELLY
"Okay. In fact, I have to go now."

BEYONCÉ
"Right, I still want to talk to my daughter before she goes to sleep."

I walked Kelly downstairs and then to the door. I gave her a big hug and then I went to my daughter's room after locking the front door.

BEYONCÉ
(Knocks on April's room door)

APRIL
"Come in."

BEYONCÉ
(Opens the door)
"Hey."

APRIL
(Smiles)

BEYONCÉ
"Are we okay?"
(Sits on the bed)

APRIL
"As far as I know, yes, we're okay."
"But you scared me a little with that thing before dinner."

BEYONCÉ
"I'm sorry, I just wasn't feeling well today, but like I said to Solange, I'm going to check it."

APRIL
"Right"

She was changing to go to bed and I leaned my back on the headboard of her bed waiting for her to lie down.

BEYONCÉ
"Come here."

I made her put her head on my chest and stroked her hair, not really wanting to say anything.
When she's in my arms, nothing else matters and that was what I wanted and needed to feel.

BEYONCÉ
"It's funny. People always say that parents will always see their children as babies."
"And I never liked that when I thought about my mom and dad, but you'll definitely be a baby to me forever."
"You can be 60 and you'll still be my little baby girl."

APRIL
(Laughs)
"Ugh mom, I'll have grandchildren by then."

BEYONCÉ
"Still, all of you will be my little babies."

APRIL
(Shakes her head)

She kept playing with her fingers while I stroked her hair just thinking about random things.

APRIL
"Mom...?"

BEYONCÉ
"Yes."

APRIL
"If it's really so hard for you, I don't need to do that test."

I took a deep breath and I have to confess that I was so tempted to leave the conversation that way, but I'm the adult, the mother, the one who was supposed to take care and support her. So that's what I have to do.

BEYONCÉ
"No."
"We are going to do this."

APRIL
"Seriously, mom. I just..."

BEYONCÉ
"I am serious. We are going to do this."

APRIL
"Are you going to be okay?"

BEYONCÉ
"We are going to be okay."

This was the best I could do. I know it will be really hard to keep my word, but I have to face it, fight and win. Like Kelly said, enough of bitching out, I'm going to face my fears and do my best to be happy with my daughter... no matter what.

I said good night to her and wished luck in her test tomorrow, although I don't think she needs luck, she better had studied for that and get a +A.

***

The next day I was hoping everything would be better. Not just my body, but my mind as well, but unfortunately for me, it wasn't happening.

I did a little research to understand how we could get a DNA test done, and it wasn't so difficult. I just had to ask and then pay for it, but I didn't have enough courage to schedule it yet. In fact, I was so tense about it that my stomach was killing me again.
Just the thought of having to talk to James about it, made me completely sick.

So I decided that I should do what I told my sister I would. I was going to see a doctor, but I knew I would probably have to answer a few questions and I didn't want it to be with a co-worker, so I looked for another hospital.

When I got there, I told them I wasn't feeling well so I could see the doctor as soon as possible and some minutes later, the doctor called me into the office.

I came in and sat down.

BEYONCÉ
"Hi."

DR. HARRIS
"Hello Beyoncé. I'm doctor India Harris. Let's see what I can do for you."
"So, you're feeling sick?"

BEYONCÉ
"Yes, I've been feeling dizzy and nauseated since yesterday."
"I would say I'm stressed over some... uh... personal problem, but this time it's a little worse than it usually is."

DR. HARRIS
"Right, are you experiencing any pain?"

BEYONCÉ
"No, I mean, my breasts are hurting lately, but I don't think it has something to do with my sickness."

DR. HARRIS
(Nods)
"How about we run a few tests and then we can talk more about it?"

BEYONCÉ
"Okay."

DR. HARRIS
"I'm going to ask the nurse to collect your blood sample and we are going to see the result in about 20 minutes, okay?"

BEYONCÉ
(Nods)

I did what she told me to do and the nurse did what she needed, then I waited for her to call me again. When she did, I sat down in her office and waited for what she had to say.

DR. HARRIS
"Well Beyoncé, I had a little suspicion about what was happing to you... but I was wrong."

BEYONCÉ
"Wrong about...?"

DR. HARRIS
"I thought you could be pregnant."

BEYONCÉ
"I knew I wasn't."

DR. HARRIS
"I could recommend you to eat a little bit more of calcium rich foods, because your calcium is low right now, but other than that, you seem fine."
"You could schedule endoscopy, but since you say it doesn't hurt..."

BEYONCÉ
"I don't think my stomach is the problem."

DR. HARRIS
"Right, now... you mention that this is worse than it usually is? How often does it happen?"

BEYONCÉ
(Sighs)
"It's not like it happens every day. It's just... there are some particular events that... usually... makes me feel that way."
"I have some..."

DR. HARRIS
"What?"

BEYONCÉ
"Sometimes it's like I... I have these panic attacks and then I get really stressed and... and... I don't know."

DR. HARRIS
"Panic Attacks...?"

BEYONCÉ
"I don't know... I'm sorry. I'm probably exaggerating a bit."

DR. HARRIS
"You look a little tense."

She looked at me like I was a crazy person. I knew I shouldn't have said that.

DR. HARRIS
"I will recommend you an anti-sickness medicine and antidepressant, but don't worry. It will just relieve your stress."
"And I will recommend something else."

She handed me the papers and I saw the medicine names in one of them and a phone number in the other.

BEYONCÉ
"...A phone number? Dr. Williams?"

DR. HARRIS
"He's a great doctor. I think it would be good for you to talk to him."

BEYONCÉ
"...Talk? He's a psychologist?!"

DR. HARRIS
"Yes."

I wasn't expecting that. It wasn't so illogic, but I was just trying to make sure that I'm physically fine, so I wouldn't need to worry, and I could as well assure Solange that I was fine.

I smiled at her and we shook hands before I left.
I wasn't really planning to call, but I wasn't about to discuss that with her.

I remember Helen talking about me going to see a psychologist. She thought it would be a good thing, since I wouldn't talk much to the people at her house or even to Helen, but I would always change the subject quickly.
Back then I would do anything NOT to talk about that, so I sure wasn't about to open up to a stranger, even if he/she was a professional.

Right now, it's not like I'm trying to hide or run from the past, but I'm hoping that my family can be the best therapy for me.
I don't even know if I would be able to talk to someone about everything that's bothering me and making me feel so bad.

Like this sickness thing. It happened over a month ago when James threatened to tell April that he could be her father, and it also happened back in New York after Jon told me about his fight with Chris. It was like my body was allergic to this "who is her father" subject.

***

April's POV

I was a little worried about the test I finished a few minutes ago. I probably didn't go so well. I couldn't concentrate on it.

Actually, after my little talk with my mom, I could barely sleep. I should be glad that she decided to agree about the DNA thing and well, I am glad, but at the same time, I'm a little afraid. I'm afraid of my mom's reaction, I'm afraid of the result and I'm even afraid of my reaction.
Now that I can really do it, I'm having second thoughts.

Me and Jennifer were sitting at a table to eat lunch and only then I remembered that Aaron wouldn't be there today. He's father asked his help with something.
It made me kind of sad that I wouldn't be able to see him today.

JENNIFER
"Hey Tyler, why don't you sit here with us...?"

APRIL
(Frowns)
"Jennifer???"

JENNIFER
"Oh, shut up."

He looked at the boys he uses to spend the lunch time with then looked at me. I forced a smile to him and he walked up to our table.

APRIL
(Sighs)

JENNIFER
"How did you go with the test?"

TYLER
"Well, I hope."
(Laughs)

JENNIFER
(Laughs)
"Me too."

TYLER
"So, how are you ladies doing?"

JENNIFER
"I'm great, what about you?"

TYLER
"I'm great too."

They both looked at me expecting me to be part at the conversation.

APRIL
(Rolls her eyes)
"I am... uh... great too."

JENNIFER
"Liar!"

TYLER
"Yep..."

APRIL
"What?"

JENNIFER
"You're not great."

APRIL
"Whatever."

TYLER
"What's going on with you? Tell us."

JENNIFER
"Yeah, share with us."

I looked at them like they were insane.

TYLER
"It won't get any better if you keep it to yourself."

APRIL
"How many crazy theories... proverbs... popular sayings... do you have?"

TYLER
"Many, probably..."

APRIL
"I'm not great, I have some problems I have to deal with, but I don't want to talk about it."

TYLER
"But we want to help you."

JENNIFER
(Smiles)
"Yeah..."

I think Jennifer just found her soulmate. I swear this boy is a male version of her.

TYLER
"Okay, you could use that thing people do when they have a problem, but don't want to talk about it directly."
"So, you know this girl, who has a problem..."

APRIL
"Are you serious?"

TYLER
"Yes, do it."

APRIL
(Frowns)

TYLER
"What kind of problem this "girl you know" has?"

I'm really about to do this?

APRIL
(Sighs)
"Well... I... I mean, this girl decided to tell, well kind of ask something to her mother, but her mother got really mad at her."
"Then the other day, her mother changed her mind and said that I... "This girl" could do it."
"The problem now is that, she's afraid she's making a mistake."
"I mean, maybe what her mother said before, was right."

TYLER
(Nods)
"Well, mothers are always right."

APRIL
"This is not helping, Tyler."

TYLER
"Oh, sorry..."
"Okay, but if "her" mother agreed with it, it probably means that it is not a mistake."
"She said that was a mistake before, because she cares about her, but now she probably thinks that if she support "this girl you know" everything will be fine at the end."
"Right Jennifer...?"

JENNIFER
"Yeah... but I still want to know what did you ask you mother that she got mad at you?"
"Do you want to get a tattoo...?"

APRIL
(Rolls her eyes)

TYLER
(Laughs)
"We are talking about "this girl""

JENNIFER
"We all know it's the same thing."

APRIL
"Okay, enough of that, but thank you Tyler, you're probably right."

TYLER
(Smiles)

He is a weird boy, but I think he's a nice weird boy.

***

Beyoncé's POV

After I left Doctor Harris' office, I stopped at a drugstore and bought the medicine for my stomach before trying to go and eat something.

I decided to eat at Mrs. Carter's restaurant, 'cause the food is so great there, that not even my sick stomach would be able to decline.

MRS. CARTER
"Beyoncé, it's great to see you here."

BEYONCÉ
(Smiles)
"Hi Mrs. Carter, it's great to be here again."
"I always have a great time, and great food here."

MRS. CARTER
"I'm glad to hear that."

LISA
(From a table nearby)
"Hi Beyoncé."

BEYONCÉ
"Lisa? Hi."

LISA
"Are you about to eat as well?"

BEYONCÉ
"Yes."

LISA
"Well, you can join me if you want."

BEYONCÉ
"Uh... sure."
(Sits down)

MRS. CARTER
"I'm going to ask Karen to take the orders."

BEYONCÉ
"Okay, thank you."

LISA
"Thank you Gloria."

MRS. CARTER
(Smiles)

We made our orders and 15 minutes later we were ready to eat.

LISA
"I always loved this restaurant, but I have to confess that only now I'm coming here more often."

BEYONCÉ
"Because of Shawn...?"
"April told me you two are... dating now."

LISA
"Yes, I think now we can say that. We had something going on for a while, but Shawn kept insisting in this no commitment thing."

BEYONCÉ
(Nods)

LISA
"Anyway... I know it's been a while, but how is it to be back in town?"

BEYONCÉ
(Smiles)
"It's great. It's really good to be with my family again."

LISA
(Nods)
"April is a great girl."

BEYONCÉ
(Smiles proudly)

LISA
"She reminds me of Jonathan a lot actually."
"I didn't know him so well, but he and one of my cousins were friends and I saw him at my aunt's house a couple times."
"April has this smart but sweet look, just like him."

BEYONCÉ
(Laughs)

LISA
"And he made me really curious about you."

BEYONCÉ
"Me?"

LISA
"Yes, I didn't know you back then, but I really wanted to, after I heard him talking about you one day."
"It wasn't just what he said, but the way he said it. It really amazed me."
"He really loved you."

BEYONCÉ
"And I really loved him."

LISA
(Smiles)
"I know it's very special for you to look at April now."
"I mean, unfortunately, he's not here anymore, but she is."
"She's like a part of him that he shared with you. She's special."

At first I was feeling sad. I was thinking about this idea of "part of him" being taking away from me.
But I decided against it. I did share her with him, and she is a part of us and most importantly, she's a part of me. The best part of me probably. She is and she'll always be special, and I won't let anything, and anyone make me feel differently.

BEYONCÉ
"Thank you Lisa. Thank you very much."