Unbreak My Heart (18+, ManxMan)

Chapter 12 And Then You Went Away

Chapter 12

Nico

There was no way to prepare myself for opening the first page of Finn's journal and seeing that he had addressed his entries to me.  Seeing those two words, Dear Nico, it took me a moment to catch my breath before I could go on.  Then to read his pain, so evident in every line he wrote.

I guess everything was there I expected; anger, pain, sadness, despair.  It was just so much harder than I could have imagined to hear the words displayed on paper in Finn's handsome handwriting, even his cursive writing was a piece of art.

He said I gave up on him.  He was right.  I was a coward and I'll live the rest of my life regretting my actions; or inaction.  I deserved every bit of hatred he felt, every accusation, any and every name he could think of.  But he was wrong, it wasn't a lie.  My feelings for him were never a lie.  He changed me, he changed me from the very core of my soul and when I realized my true feelings for him, my life was re-oriented for eternity.  His happiness was my only focus and I honestly thought I was doing what was best for Finn.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read each page, faced his pain.  I had done this to him, I had caused all this terrible suffering for my beautiful boy.  I remember hearing his voice when he left me messages, it was so unbearable I had to change my number.  Again, I was a coward.  I told myself that it was part of the agreement with Declan, I couldn't contact him in any way, but I couldn't bullshit myself for long.  I was weak.

In one entry he wondered if I still looked at the pictures of us together, how could I tell him I looked at them every single day since I was last with him.  Still, to this day, I look at them; on my laptop, on my phone, some I had printed and framed were throughout my rooms on Serenity.  Part of the reason I met him up on deck at lunch was so he wouldn't see them, what added up to a shrine in each of my rooms.  I hadn't anticipated that he would go through the Ballroom to the kitchen and see the paintings.  When I found him there, I felt dizzy with fear that he would be angry, that he would storm off the boat…that I had screwed up again.  The only thing I could do was tell him the truth, tell him exactly why I had to have them.  They were my lifeline.

He wondered if I regretted the day he walked into that restaurant; sixteen years old, sweet, innocent, naïve…and so beautiful.  How could I ever regret one second with Finn.  My only regret is that I was selfish, I wanted him for myself in a way that I shouldn't have.  I should have helped Finn, but not in the way I did.  That is my regret.  My selfishness is what caused him so much pain.

Tears that had stopped as I read about Finn and Benji traipsing around New York City, started flowing again as I read his last entry of 2014.  Where he was saying goodbye to me.  It was heartbreaking, but I also felt a sense of pride at his strength.  He had made a conscious choice to put the past behind him and live his life again.  Something I was never able to do.  Once again, I was in awe of the boy who had turned into an amazing young man.  How could I not be.

I turned the page to the new year and saw that he was now writing his entries to Dear Diary.  I took a deep breath, but wouldn't allow myself any pity.  I deserved any bit of difficulty there was to read this.  I owed Finn at least that. 

The new entries were like a rebirth of the Finn I used to know.  He was making friends, going to the movies, all the things a teenager should do.  Of course, reading about the boy he met, Henry, the one I saw him with that day in front of his school…that was hard.  It was hard and…good at the same time.  I never would have wanted him to end up like me, alone.  Alone and miserable.  I wanted him to have everything I took away.