The Fate of Olympus | Reynabeth [✓]

18. Confessions

Reyna and Annabeth finally found a safe place to sleep, underneath a freeway overpass. As the sun set, it was cold, but relatively dry. Their parkas provided most of the warmth that they would need.

Reyna sat a careful six inches from Annabeth, who hugged herself for warmth. Annabeth frowned when she noticed that Reyna had pulled a familiar-looking thermos from their bags.

"Hot chocolate has caffeine in it, which interferes with the ability to fall and stay asleep," said Annabeth. "You shouldn't be drinking that so close to bedtime."

"I'll take first watch," said Reyna.

Annabeth noticed Reyna smile slightly. She liked that Annabeth showed concern for her.

"Why were you so defensive when we met Sulis Minerva?"
"Because you could've been killed! It could've been another monster!" Reyna exclaimed. Then she seemed to remember something else. "And I don't want to give you a piggyback ride all the way across the country. I would have to go back to camp and explain why I got a quester killed."

The rain came down in sheets.

Annabeth sighed. "All my life, I thought I would finally be happy once I'd finished questing. Maybe settling down at Camp Jupiter would be a nice retirement from war. It isn't, though. I'm always on edge. It makes me feel like I didn't do a good enough job. I don't deserve happiness."

Reyna blew wisps of steam from her hot chocolate. "That's something that daughters of war goddesses share in common."

"What if quests have broken our minds in unforeseeable ways? What if years of fighting have made domestic life impossible?"

Reyna took her time drinking hot chocolate. Finally she admitted, "That's plausible."

"Maybe that's part of the reason that I called this quest. On one hand, I desperately want to be able to live in the moment. This month, I didn't remember that I'd fallen into Tartarus at all. Before, my mind wouldn't stop replaying what I saw in Tartarus. I saw my friends dying. My worst fears played themselves out in my mind constantly. Now it's like I can hardly remember the past at all. I just feel uneasy and worthless all the time."

Reyna took a long time to think before she answered. "I don't know about your situation, but I'll share mine. Maybe that will help you."
Annabeth waited with bated breath. She could feel something electric in the air between them.

"I felt worthless for a long time. I admired my sister, so I modeled myself after her.

"I thought I'd be happy if I could be more like Hylla. But in the process, I'd gotten my position in society mixed up with my self-worth. I joined Camp Jupiter, but that didn't make me happy. Maybe that was because I was a soldier, a worthless person, but I promised myself I'd be happy when I became a praetor. Eventually I got political power, but I still wasn't happy. I thought I needed to quest for Camp Jupiter to find happiness. I was miserable on that quest, but I got myself through tougher parts by imagining how happy I'd be once I got back.

"I was in the middle of a swamp, staring at the night sky, close to death, when the truth hit me. I realized that I sacrificed my happiness every day for the idea of happiness in the future. Sometimes you need to work really hard today to reap the benefits of your hard work tomorrow. But delayed gratification is a double-edged sword. I had always worked hard, but I had yet to see the benefits of that work. I had yet to be happy. When I got back to Camp Jupiter, I wasn't going to be happy; I never was. All that would happen was that I'd feel dissatisfied for this or that not being better. Then I'd sign myself up for a new quest, imagining that's what would make me happy. If I always put off happiness for the future, then when would I ever be happy?