Ten Reasons Not to Die

Chapter 5 Day 3

Sam~
When someone starts believing that they aren't worth a life, they take it, when someone starts believing their better off gone it's hard to find something to stop them, When Someone starts believing the shit said about them they let it slide and listen to them making themselves think worse, And..Maybe even try taking the pain away themselves.

Day 3, Exactly a week left.. exactly a week left for me to give reasons and exactly..a week left for him to be alive or not. Let's just hope I can be good with my reasons. But lots of damage can be done in a week, like lots of damage can happen In just a matter of seconds, Its just IF I can fix that and if the damage won't be happening. You can Build a life for years and have it breakdown in 10 seconds, You can build Happiness For days on end and have it turn to Sadness in a day.

"Colby, you need to eat" he picks up a forkful of rice, Not the good kind either the off brand kind that's been stale for quite a bit, I don't want to eat it, but the Emptiness and the hurting of my stomach says different than what I'm thinking "You don't have a reason do you" he glumly says "N no Its hard to think of reasons when your worrying and stuck in your own thoughts.. So no I don't have any" He nods, I feel like hes mad, But I doubt he is, He can't be mad at me "Are- If your mad at me just say so" Surprise. He stops chewing, he doesn't look up though, He just stares at his food "Really Colby if your mad at me just tell me and I'll fix it. I'll fix it so you can be happy but please if I'm upsetting you that much to make you take your life just tell me!" Well, everyone knows now "Sam!" A teacher, stupid, now their worried "I- I'm not mad Sam, why would you think that?" I shrug sitting down wiping away tears of my own, Colby just let's them fall, Into his food that he was never gonna eat "Sam, Colby, The office now" uh oh.

We both walk in, sitting on the uncomfortable orange chairs "So, Would you two like to explain something?" Silence, That's how we stay for the 10 minutes of us sniffling and trying to be somewhat comfortably in plastic chairs that are provided "Colby, What would you like to say?" He looks up, for the first time in the 10 long minutes "No" clear, it's clear, it doesn't even sounds like hes upset, No Cloggy voice no red eyes, was he crying for only a couple seconds in the dining hall? "Sam?" I shake my head, steadying my shaky hands that started to sweat "I mean no ma'am" she sighs folding her hands on the desk "The roof is now off limits to everybody Especially You Colby" He sighs, Atleast he won't be able to jump off.

"Colby you will be going to a counselor here, And Sam you will be too just in case" he frowns, wait we had a counselor? "We have a counselor?" She grabs paperwork starts writing, not even looking at me "He was just hired yesterday" I nod, colby walks up and out fast, returning to his room.. What else is he able to do to himself if he can't jump?

The first day of counseling for me and Colby..was different it felt like someone can care, like he didn't mind talking with us, like he wanted to hear our thoughts, he even asked if the Other children were mean, or If it was the adults, Of course i Replied with an I dont know, because i don't know what to say about it, I don't know if they were mean or if they were nice, I was used to leaving it on the spot, let them decide if they were mean or nice.. Does that make sense? He even asked what makes me happy, course I knew what made me happy, I said Colby, because he does, he knows what to say when I'm sad, But then he said other than him..and I didn't know, I said i could sing but I haven't sang in a while, Its been a year since my last song I wrote, And singing doesn't make me happy, Its just something stupid, my lyrics only mean something to me, Colby might now what I mean, he cried at my song. I don't know what makes me happy other than Colby.

Colby~
I can't jump, I can't cry, i can't do anything. It feels like I can't move, everything seems quiet, Sam's talking with him. I don't want to, so he asked only Sam questions, He gave up on me, like everyone else before him. "Colby? Would you like to do a private session?" I look up, Should I? It's not like theres anything to hide, I don't need to, So no, I shake my head returning to the loose string coming of my t- shirt "What makes you sad?" I shrug, Too many things make me sad, Too many emotions at once to control "What about happy, what makes you happy?" I look at Sam, who is smiling out the window, Sunshine, theres sunshine out there, Which is colourful, with the orange and the pink, With the birds and the clouds, Trees and the mountains, Sunshine. "Sam?" I nod, And point outside, Sam looks at me confused, but the counselor knew what I was saying, hopefully, maybe that's why he wrote something down, what is he writing down? Something about me, I don't like it, He is writing something bad isn't he "Don't worry it's not anything bad" I nod, The string came loose, I tie it around my fingers, Then untie it, Making lines form, Denting my skin "What about Your suicidal thoughts what triggers those?" Well hes not taking his time is he, I wrap the string around my finger "Sam? Do you know why?" He looks up, Why does he have to be here? He doesn't need this..well maybe he does if hes with me, and maybe the counselor can clear his thoughts "W well he wrote in his letter that he felt useless and he didn't want anyone to worry about him anymore..and that the Staff won't have to worry about having him in this house taking up space" hes writing, What is he writing "So he already tried?" Sam nods "When?" Sam looks at me, I just look back at him, His bright blue eyes shining with new tears "3 days ago" Only 3 days and he said something already, he couldn't keep his mouth shut could he. No no no! Why am I thinking that! I'm not even mad what the hell "And how come you didn't tell anyone?" He shrugs "Becuase I thought if we got adult help he would quicken the little time he gave me" I wouldn't have done that "How much time did he give you?" What other ways an I able to kill myself other than jumping?  "10 days, 10 reasons on why he should stay" I should have just jumped when I had the chance "ok, did you already give him 3 reasons?" He nods "oh wait not 3 only 2, I..never gave him a third yet" Two reasons, Not that two are gonna change my mind.

"Colby, colby we can go now" oh, is the session over? "Want to go to bed?" I nod, I need to get away from him before I ruin his happiness anymore.

Sam stops me for a quick second, holding my shoulder "Reason Number 3, I want to become a singer, I'm gonna need you Colby, You is who I need to tell me to not be nervous that they are gonna like me" I sigh, He is a good singer, I hear his first song, he called it, What about Us, the lyrics were so.. I dont know how to say it, Emotional? "Can you sing me your song?" He smiles "Let's go sit by the garden" I nod, Hes not comfortable singing in front of everyone yet, We tell someone were out by the garden, they already locked up the door to the roof.

(Pretend this song was written by Sam and not by P!nk)

I sit by the garden, Playing with a flower when I hear him start singing.

We are searchlights we can see in the dark.

We are rockets pointing up at the stars.

We are billions of beautiful hearts.

And you sold us down the river too far.

What about us, what about all the times you said you had the answer

What about us, what about all the broken happy ever afters, what about us, what about all the plans that ended in disasters

What about love? What about trust? What about us

We are problems that want to be solved, we are children that need to be loved, we were willing we came when you called

But man you fooled us... enough is enough

What about us? What about all the  times you said you had the answers, what about us

What about all the broken happy ever afters

What about us? What about all the plans that ended in disasters?

What about love? What about trust?  what about us?

Sticks and stones may break these bones, but then I'll be ready, Are you ready?

It's the start of us we cannot come on are you ready? I'll be ready

I dont want control I want to let go are you ready? I'll be ready

And now it's time to let them know

Are you ready? I'll be ready.

What about us

What about us

...So what about us

Always makes me cry, It hurts to hear Sam have to write songs like this, Where the only way he can speak is through songs, This is his first song.. I wonder what seconds and the next would sound like.

I wonder how he would be on a stage, singing, smiling, dancing with fans from all around the world cheering and screaming because they see him, Their hero, or whatever they would like to call him, I wonder how he would be When he's older, With a Husband and children... I wonder how he would be with out me.