The Course of True Love

Dark Dreams and New Beginnings

TW/CN: Self-harm, burns, blood and childbirth are mentioned/described in this chapter

Ever since meeting her new family, things had been busy for Cecily. Very busy. There where visits and letters and she still couldn't quite believe that people were so excited about her. Why her? Weren't they supposed to be excited about the new baby?
Cecily was well aware that Minerva's due date was approaching fast. These days she didn't really know how to feel about it all and her busy schedule didn't really leave her much time to worry about it either, but sometimes at night when sleep didn't come easy, she would stare at the ceiling, fretting about what was unavoidably coming towards her, like a wave that would eventually crash. It wasn't a question of "if" but rather one of "when".
Nobody had spoken about reviews or the adoption in a while so Cecily had convinced herself that there would be no adoption. At least not for her. None of the things Albus and Mina had told her over and over again had meaning in these moments, it all seemed fake, like a set up. No amount of kindness shown to her, not even the family locket could make those thoughts change their tune. The more she dwelled on her fears, the bigger and nastier they became until they were all-consuming shadows just waiting for her to switch of the lights.
So what would happen next? She knew from Eva that the arrival of a new baby (or in her friend's case even two) wasn't easy, not even in normal families. But their "family" was really looking at normal in the rearview mirror, wasn't it?
Cecily tried so very hard to be happy and excited for Mina and Albus. Having a baby had to be the most exciting, wonderful thing for them, she knew that Mina had always dreamed of having a baby of her own. But the one thing that made them so happy was also the root of poor Cecily's anxieties.
She couldn't help but wonder about how their whole dynamic would change. Would having a baby of their own make them realise that Cecily wasn't a part of their family after all? It surely would make them abandon their plans to adopt her. And then? Would they send her away? Would they keep her out of obligation but make her feel like a second class family member? That would probably be even worse for her. Seeing the happiness that could've been hers, but wasn't meant for her.
She even worried that she couldn't love the baby, that she might go as far as to resent it. All the excitement she'd previously felt suddenly seemed hollow, as if her mind had played yet another cruel trick on her. Really, why should she be excited about the arrival of an usurper?
In her less anxious moments, she was overwhelmed with guilt for even thinking something awful like that, how could she hate an innocent baby for being loved by its parents? Wasn't that how it was supposed to be, the most natural thing in the world?
But deep down, Cecily knew the reason for these dark thoughts. It was because nobody had ever loved her that way until they had come along. And now, just as she was getting used to being loved and cherished, to being someone's child and to belonging somewhere, the love might disappear again. She was deeply afraid that this baby would take away the affection that people had shown her, even though it was just taking it's rightful spot. She was the outsider and soon they would notice that Cecily didn't really belong. She was currently the one stealing the baby's spot, like a little cuckoo bird that had settled in a strange nest.
No matter how much she tried to ease her mind by telling herself that they wouldn't just stop loving her, her intrusive thoughts grew louder and louder every night and sometimes even in quiet moments during the day.
The worst part was that she couldn't speak to anyone about them. Not to her parents, obviously, not to her therapist, whom she was now seeing again and who would most certainly tell her parents and make things worse and definitely not to Eva. She'd burdened her friend more than enough. Cecily suspected that Ariana's soul could at least feel some of her distress, but she wasn't around as much anymore now that the feud between her brothers had ended and Cecily didn't want to weigh her down with human problems.
She had never felt so lost and alone.
During the day she pretended that she was fine, or even thriving. She had perfected the act, playing the perfect student, friend and daughter, she attended her sessions with Dr. Bellevue and knew exactly what to tell her so she'd leave her alone, Cecily put on a show for everyone. But at night things were different. She felt haunted by her own mind. After a while, she started hurting herself again. She knew very well that this wasn't a long term solution, but if it drowned out the thoughts and helped her sleep, it was a welcome distraction. Cecily couldn't afford to be picky these days. Minerva and Albus hadn't allowed her to return to school for the last trimester, something that bothered Cecily. Didn't they trust her? Apparently not enough, because all the knives in the kitchen were dull when she tried them on her wrists and so she had to find another solution for temporary relief. Instead of cutting herself, she started burning her legs with a hot spoon. Not hot enough for blisters, but hot enough to leave an angry red mark and a burning sensation long after the spoon touched her skin. Cecily was smart enough to burn her legs instead of her wrists because she knew that everyone would be keeping an eye on her arms, even if that meant wearing tights all summer long. But what was a little discomfort during the day compared to long sleepless nights with intrusive thoughts tormenting her? Her rational mind knew that nothing these thoughts tried to tell her was true, yet the intrusive thoughts had an immense power over her and she spiralled further down into an unknown darkness.
Cecily had no idea that she wasn't the only one worried about what the future held and the implications for their family.