Without A Clue

Adoration

It's been 2 weeks since Brent and I broke up. I haven't seen Mamrie since that night either. I've been hanging out with Hannah and Chester from time to time instead of her. I'm trying to tear myself away from her because I know I'll do something stupid if I see her. I need to get over my feelings. I can't just secretly be in love with my best friend. I hate it. Why do I have to love her? Why my best friend?
Lately I've just been staying in bed, reading books, and going to the occasional meeting. She's texted me a few times about possibly going out to a bar or something but I tell her I've got a ton of work to do. Which, isn't totally a lie...I do have lots of work to do but I haven't done any of it so...
At the moment, it's Friday and I'm sitting in bed watching TV. My phone vibrates next to me.
From: Mames
Hey! Come over and have a drink with me?
I sigh. I don't answer til 10 minutes later so that it looks like I'm busy.
To: Mames
I'd love to but I'm busy. Sorry :(
She responds immediately.
From: Mames
Oh ok...well good luck with whatever you're doing! Goodnight :)
I put my phone down and continue watching TV. I start to doze off around 1 am but my phone rings. I glance and see it's Hannah.
"Hello?"
"Grace what the fuck is your problem?"
"Um excuse me?"
"Mamrie called me and said you couldn't hang out because you were busy?"
"Yeah...? Hannah why do we have to have this conversation at 1 am? Seriously dude you woke me u-" I get cut off.
"Grace I don't care! I have a crying Mamrie on the other line and it's because of you! She said you haven't hung out with her for over two weeks. What the fuck, Grace?"
"Yeah I've been busy." I reply simply.
"Look Grace, I understand that you're busy and everything but she thinks you're mad at her or something."
"Ok ok. I'll text her or something." I sigh
"Are you okay? Is everything okay?" She asks.
"Everything's fine, Hannah. I'll talk to you later. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Gracie."
She hangs up. I need to text Mamrie.
To: Mames
Hey
I wasn't sure what to say...
From: Mames
Hi
Yup. She's definitely upset.
To: Mames
I'm sorry...it's not your fault.
From: Mames
Prove it.
To: Mames
How?
From: Mames
Come over tomorrow for brunch around 11.
To: Mames
Ok.
She doesn't respond after that.
I'm awake all night thinking about how brunch is gonna go. I'm afraid. She's pretty mad at me, I can tell. I hate confrontation. Especially with my best friend.
I tell myself it'll be okay, because I need to be optimistic. Everything will go back to normal after today. It'll be fine.
I start to get ready around 9:30. I straighten my hair and put a little make up on, then I throw on a sweater and leggings. My heart is racing as I'm driving toward her house. I take a deep breath but it doesn't seem to work. When I pull into her driveway it's ten minutes to 11 and my heart is beating out of my chest. I sit there for a few minutes, panicking. Then, I calm myself down and I grab my phone and slowly walk toward the door.
I gently knock on the door. I hear movement on the other side and she opens the door. She has a huge smile on her face and practically jumps on me to hug me.
"I missed you!!" She says excitedly. I smile slightly. She hugs me for awhile, never letting go. I love it. But I can't love it. She needs to stop touching me, it causes a tingly feeling in my stomach and it's not helping.
"Uh Mames. Can I come in?" I ask. She releases me and she steps back so I can enter her house.
"Yeah sorry. I just missed you since we went from hanging out everyday to not seeing each other in like a month." She says annoyed.
"It wasn't a month. More like two weeks." I sit down on the sofa.
"Not the point, Grace." She walks into the kitchen to cook, I assume.
A few minutes later I hear Mamrie shout from the kitchen.
"Brunch will be done in about a half an hour!"
She pops her head into the living room.
"Want a drink? I made mimosas!" She smiles.
"Um no...I'm not really thirsty." I decline. I'm not in the mood, frankly.
"Excuse me? You love mimosas! I can make you a Bloody Mary?" She looks concerned.
"No thanks. I'll um.... I'll have a water."
"Well, ok then..." She shrugs and grabs a bottle of water before tossing it to me. Luckily I catch it, that's a first. She grabs Beanz and sits next to me on the couch. We sit there in awkward silence for a few minutes before she looks at me as if she's waiting for me to say something. When I don't say anything she sighs and turns back to look at the TV.
"So what's new?" She asks.
"Um nothing much..." I manage.
"Right. How's um...how's work?"
"Work's good. How bout you?" I have to at least try to keep the conversation going.
"Yeah, it's alright. I think I'm gonna go to London soon for a couple podcasts and shoots. Probably in about a month. Zoe and Alfie said I could stay with them for a little while." She smiles.
"Oh cool. That'll be fun."
"Yeah." She nods.
The silence continues and all you can hear is the soft buzz of the TV and a dog barking outside. I'm tense and I'm very anxious. She can apparently tell because she starts speaking after five minutes.
"Hey Grace? Why do you all of the sudden hate me?" She says softly with a frown.
"What? I don't hate you." I sit up.
Quite the opposite really.
"Then why are you being like this? I don't understand. Is it because of Brent? What fucking happened that you aren't telling me about?" She says sternly.
"I- nothing. Brent didn't do anything. Nothing happened."
Everything happened.
She stands up and I can tell she's getting mad.
"Then why are you doing this?! You can't just come over and sit on my couch and say nothing to me! That's not how it works. That's not how we work! I don't mean to yell but I adore you and you're making me feel like shit and I don't get it. You're acting so strange and I just can't wrap my head around it!" She yells.
I adore you too.
Silent tears are now falling from my eyes as I sit there and look up at her.
"You really wanna know why?" I ask.
She nods. It's time. I stand up and walk close to her. We just stare at each other for a moment and then I take her hands. I lean in and kiss her. She freezes but I continue to kiss her. After a little bit, I lean back, tears already rolling down my cheeks.
"Fuck." Mamrie whispers.
"There." I whisper.
She just stares at me with her eyes wide. She shakes her head.
"I-I don't understand. Why?" She asks.
I don't answer because I'm crying even harder now.
She swallows and I see her tear up too.
"Gracie...I'm so sorry but-"
"Don't. Please don't say it. I know already." I breathe.
I see her frown and start to cry. She moves closer to me and reaches out for me.
"Mamrie, please don't. When you touch me, I fall for you even more..." I whisper. She gasps slightly and wipes her tears.
"Gracie, talk to me."
"It's simple. I love you and I have for awhile. And you don't love me which hurts a lot but I can't do anything about it. I was trying to ignore you to help me get over my feelings but then you noticed so I thought I had to tell you but now you're crying and I'm crying and it probably wasn't a good idea to do so but I couldn't hold it in anymore, Mamrie. I tried but I couldn't. I'm sorry."
We both start crying even more and I decide it's time to leave.
"I don't know what to say..." Mamrie says.
"Don't say anything. It's okay." I smile slightly.
And with that I turn the doorknob and open the front door. Then I hear something in the kitchen beep. She doesn't move and keeps staring at me as I leave. I step out and close the door behind me.
As I'm driving home, I'm still crying. She calls me but I don't answer. When I get home I listen to the voicemail she left me.
"Gracie please don't hate me. I do love you just not the same way. I never suspected this and now that I look back on it, I feel as though I led you on. I'm so so sorry, Grace. Please call or come over when you're ready to talk."
I can tell she was crying.
I text her.
To: Mames
I obviously don't hate you, very much the opposite which I hate. I hate that I love you but I do. I will definitely come over or call soon because honestly Mamrie, you're my world and I can't stay away from you for too long. I hope this isn't awkward for you.
Xoxo Grace
I send the text knowing our friendship will never be the same.

Author's Note: The end!!! I hope you liked it and I LOVED writing it! I hope you don't think that I'm saying that you should never tell someone you secretly love that you love them because I think you should do what you think would be best for you. The reason why I wrote this was because something was bothering me in my life so I decided to write about it. So it's based a little bit off of my life right now. I'm sorry I made it a sad ending but I hope you liked it! Also, Mace is my fav.
If you haven't subscribed to my YouTube channel yet, please do, it's called Abs and Kay. I just posted a vlog of my cousin and I's vacation to Florida so please check that out! I don't mean to self promote but I really REALLY enjoy making videos and I want to expand my channel. If you have any ideas for me for a video, let me know! Comment below with what you think I should write next or what you thought of this story!
Xoxo Abs