The Favor (A TKB AU)

15. Not a Fair Fight

As we sit on the beach the next morning, Noah and I keep trying to come up with plans for telling Lee. It's just... there are a lot of distractions. Distractions like the surfers in the distance and the impressive sand castle some kids are building and the fact that kissing is a lot more fun than talking about Lee. Okay, so mostly that last one.

Noah thinks we should tell him now and get it over with, but I'm not ready. I don't share June's confidence that Lee will be happy I'm happy, or Noah's shrugging nonchalance that Lee will just have to get over it, and I don't want the fallout from Lee finding out to spoil any more of Noah's time home than it has to. I know Lee, and I know how major a red line I've crossed, at least in his mind. It's an unfair line and not one I regret crossing, but that won't make his reaction any easier to deal with. So, not yet.

I do feel a pang of guilt later, when Lee asks if I want to hang out and comments how little he's seen me lately. I mumble something about having been busy with college applications and babysitting Brad, but Lee doesn't actually seem overly concerned. Besides, he's been busy with Rachel. Lee and I end up spending the afternoon playing video games at his house, and I mostly manage not to think about the secret he has no idea I'm keeping from him. At least, not until June overhears me telling Lee I can't stay for dinner because I've got plans with debate friends. It's clear from June's pointed look that she knows I'm lying, but right now I'd rather deal with her disapproval than Lee's.

My plans with debate friends are in fact a holiday reception being hosted by the Harvard Club of LA for current students, and as I walk in with Noah it occurs to me this is our first time socializing as a couple. Well, as a real couple, although these days I find myself wondering exactly when during the debate tournament our fake relationship turned real. If I'm being honest, I knew within minutes of asking Noah for that favor how much trouble I'd just gotten myself into. Pretending to date Noah seemed like an easy solution to my Jamie problem when I was still on the plane. I was over my crush on Noah, I told myself. Totally, completely over it. And then I got to Harvard, saw Noah, and realized what a lie that had been.

At first it's thrilling not to be hiding, especially after having spent last night avoiding each other at Ollie's party. I can lean into Noah's warmth whenever I want, and when he smiles at me I don't need to worry whether anyone's watching. Because that smile of his—we'd be found out immediately if anyone did see. That, and the way his hand keeps finding its way to my arm or my back, rarely breaking contact. I'm not even sure he realizes he's doing it, but I love it. And then, when he introduces me to some friends as my girlfriend Elle, I don't know what's better—hearing him say it, or his sheepish expression seeing my startled reaction. Either way, it takes a minute for the butterflies in my stomach to settle down. Maybe we should tell Lee as soon as possible, just to get to spend more time like this.

But that warm glow starts to fade, replaced by a growing uneasiness. Meeting Noah's friends is fun, but it's also making it clear he's got this whole new life I know little about and don't belong in. Every conversation is a torrent of unfamiliar names and places and jokes I'm not in on, even if I try to laugh along. And maybe Noah isn't noticing the smirks I get from some of his friends when they find out I'm still in high school, but I definitely am; even when Noah's talking to fellow freshmen I feel incredibly young and clueless. And everyone knows him—especially the girls. I shouldn't be surprised, it's no different than high school, really, except it is. I never loved watching my classmates fawn over him, but it's entirely different and worse to witness it now, like this. Not that Noah's encouraging any of it, but it's a reminder that in a few weeks we'll be thousands of miles apart and he'll still be surrounded by these girls and hundreds more like them.

By the time the reception is winding down my insecurities are working overtime to convince me that Noah and I are doomed. Maybe it's working now, but once Noah goes back to Harvard he won't want to waste time on me when he could be running with this crowd instead. This crowd, and these girls. No, women, my insecurities pile on—bolder, more mature, college women who apparently all spent their high school years modeling in Paris or going on research expeditions in Nepal or training for the Olympics. There must be some normal girls at Harvard, but you wouldn't know it from all these friends of Noah's. That's what he calls them, and I can't help noticing it's how he introduces me, too—no more calling me his girlfriend, suddenly I'm just his friend. It would be easier to tell myself I'm being ridiculous if this Noah weren't so familiar from a hundred high school memories.