Redemption

Chapter 21

Redemption is a strange word, a strange meaning, but something about it gives me hope. Before the society came crashing down, I would wake up every morning with fear so consistent that even stepping out of my cold bed was unbearable. The society broke us, the academy killed us, and we destroyed ourselves. We are beyond repair. We are beyond hope. Then why do I still find it? What did we ever do to deserve this? Why am I still breathing? Fighting? Living?

The planet shows catastrophe. The soil that we walk on is full of ash and crumbled earth. The skies we seek to look at are filled with harsh poisons, deadly temperatures, and a haze so magnificent that I can't make out the stars. The stars have it easy. They're born, hot. They grow hotter. But, they die cold. We can never have this. We are born cold, we grow colder, but we die hot, scorching. We die in anger. We die with no recollection of life. Happiness doesn't exist in this world. Nothing exists. We cease to exist.
When I was chosen to help the rebellion, I was shocked. How could anyone attempt to bring down something that strong? I was afraid.

The society breeds us on fear.

The society mentally breaks us.

The society kills us.

No human should feel this. No man should be left afraid, craving death. All I see is darkness. Then why do I still find hope?

I want to stop fearing the next day. I need to stop. But, I am a program. A program that excludes any feeling, but fear. I see this in Meghan's eyes every time she peeks over her shoulder. I see this in Claire's eyes every time she looks at me. We are not only afraid of the world, the society, the Academy, the sectors, or the constant, intended extinctions, but we are afraid of each other. We are afraid of what we are, what we can become. We don't know exactly what we are. We don't know what we're meant to be. We don't know the purpose that we have to be alive in this dreaded planet, or to be a part of a society so inhumane.

I don't even know what hope is. Why do I still have it?

What's the real purpose of our mission? To tread to an unknown territory in seek of another rebel group, that isn't there? Mac doesn't understand. The society has eyes everywhere, just as Emery had said. I bite back tears. Where was Emery? He wasn't with mother and father, and I doubt he was with Darius. Even in the helicopter, I never heard a peep from him. I was caught up in the moment, trying to keep myself together, trying to to shatter like glass. Even if he was on the helicopter, he wasn't in the storage compartment as we were. Was he up with the General? Was he betraying us? Was he playing us? Is he being tortured? Is he alive?

I think back to the small boy in the alleyway. Electric blue eyes, dark brown hair, and a sad smile. I think back to my parents. The parents who secretly loved us more than anything, tried to teach us about the society's crude path, whom tried to teach us proper etiquette, even when we had little to eat. I shift to Darius. Darius was strong. Both mentally and physically. Although, he was strong in kindness. He's dead.

Everyone that I love is dead, close, or alive, regretting every breath. But, we can't regret every breath anymore, we have to stop being afraid, we need to stop experiencing fear, we have to start living. We can't be walking corpses any longer. We must have hope.

Although, hope itself is close to extinction. We are close to destruction. Soon, the whole world will cease to exist. I constantly force myself to believe that I'm stronger than the society, but when the time comes to face them, face to face, I fear that I won't be. Fear comes up in everything that I think about. I do not wish it, nor do I intend to think about it, but it's in my program. It's in my nature. I am a timid creature under the many layers of skin that morph my frail body.

I am scared. I see that now, as I rest my head against the lighthouse. I'm scared of not only the future, but I'm scared of the past. I'm running away from it. I despise those before me, those who lead the world to destruction. I also envy them. They had a life. But, that life was full of fear, same as mine. That fear, was spread apart in little chunks at various moments. Mine? Mine, is existent every second that I'm still breathing.

Fear is a program. Fear is a virus.