Libby's Forums & Updates

08-Sept-2020 | Pain

I swear a little.... Oopsie but not sorry

~

You know what's interesting to me about the word pain? It has two meanings in my mind. 

As someone with chronic pain, it's definition is my head trapped in a vice grip squeezing all reality from my mind as my body goes limp and weak. It takes a few days to recover, before another migraine hits and the process repeats. 

FUN. 

ohmydays I just realised the bath bomb I used has glitter in it I'm a human disco ball 

MY HANDS ARE SO SPARKLY

I am all of Twilight 

The other side of pain, though, to ignore my oblivion on glitter bath bombs, is the complete opposite. 

I've been studying and learning French since I was five. I'm by no means fluent anymore, at one point you could say I was - I had to be borderline fluent for my end of school exams - but I forgot a lot of the structure after school ended. A few things remained; one was pain. 

Pain in French, means bread. 

I love bread so fucking much. 

The retreat I went on last week? I literally had the diet of carbs and butter and it was utterly fantastic - completely unhealthy in reality but mentally I could run a marathon off serotonin. 

Pain au chocolat is a chocolate croissant. I love them. Have you? It's this sweet delicate pastry that melts on the tip of your tongue, and then the ganache spreads through your mouth with such gentle comfort, and this complete warmth hits your belly as you eat. 

The last pain au chocolat I had gave me food poisoning but that's beside the point.

It's interesting, the word pain. One is a crushing sensation of my head, the other is a warming comfort in my belly. 

Both at the same time is a mental clusterfuck - like candy floss grapes, or cronuts. 

Cronuts are weird, I'm sorry, they are. Like, you look like a fancy doughnut, but you TASTE like a croissant and a doughnut at the same time but also separately? What is this sorcery? 

Which is ironic, coming from someone who is a real-life glittery vampire right now. 

I had a nasty migraine last night which kept me up until the early hours of this morning, so my entire day today was spent curled in bed being completely unproductive and being annoyed I couldn't do anything. My body was numb and I struggled lifting my body let alone a finger. It's been several hours now since I woke and my body's starting to bounce back enough that I can write anything. 

I say 'write'. I haven't written a chapter since June. This pandemic, being chronically ill, losing three people, and not having the option of leaving my house has been hard - and I know you can understand, because we're all in the same, socially-distant boat. 

All my energy has been spent on living rather than creating. I'm riding a tidal wave of pain every week and I can't focus on bringing these characters in my mind onto the page - but there are little things I can do. 

What's that Rupi Kaur quote? In winter, I plot and plan. In spring I move.

That's my mindset right now. The author V.E. Schwab described her story ideas as pans on a stove - some brew for longer than others before they're ready for anyone else to consume. 

Let me tell you about my pain-laced stove stop and all the pans on it right now.

I have Siren Bay set to the side to cool (it's all outlined, I just need to write the rest).

I have a Fantasy WIP simmering away (LOTR infused). That's a standalone in three parts.

I have a Mage WIP beginning to brew - that'll be a woman/woman love story spanning three books at least. 

I have a Norse WIP that's glaring at me - I turned off the heat but it hasn't left the stove yet. That's a murder mystery (Stephen King Under The Dome x Norse Mythology) revolving around one sister who comes home after time away, to find everything in chaos. She's glaring at me.

But now there's a new pan being twirled about and I'm, like, DO YOU MIND, MIND?! This story of three adopted sisters in a shifter world... I have an eye on you, don't start cooking yet, piss off!

And yet I still have to edit Behind Closed Gates, and rewrite it completely, which is another pan on the stove (I see you Gates of Silver, don't boil over on me). 

I'm staring at a drum kit of stories and all of them are singing to me. 

Mainly the Mage WIP. I already outlined the three books, because I'm an idiot, and that's really itching to be written. But I made a promise to Siren Bay, to T&T's edits, to BCG's edits. 

but I want the Mage WIP 

I think the MC's going to pull me out of this creative halt. I have a feeling. 

In the meantime, I'll drown in pain, and pain.

I hope you're all well, safe, happy, and healthy. Much love to you all, 

Libby x