Black Diaries

34. Days of Blunder

My teeth clattered together in a bad imitation of a horror arcade skeleton. One wheel of the car struck something rather solid, and I was catapulted upwards, nearly smashing into the roof.

"Warning," said the friendly voice of my GPS. "Your vehicle has left the designated road. Please return. Off-road driving can be dangerous."

"Jeez! Thanks so much for the warning!"

Suddenly, something huge and black loomed in front of me out of the gloom. Screaming, I tore the car to the right, and heard branches scrape the passenger side window.

"Who left a tree just standing in the country like that? Damn! That's criminal!" Turning, I shot a glare over my shoulder back at the tree. So that was why I didn't have time enough to react when I turned forward again.

"Gah! No!"

It hit my car like whips: wheat. Lots and lots of wheat. Or maybe it was rye. I didn't have the time to determine the species of the plants that were slapping against the windows of my car. I was too busy screaming and cursing and praying that I would get out of this alive.

"Good evening!" said my GPS in its usual chipper tones. "This is APA, your Automatic Parking Assistant. APA has detected solid objects in close proximity to the vehicle. Please find another, larger parking spot."

"I'm not trying to park, you blithering electronic idiot!"

"When parking, please do not forget to purchase a parking ticket. Parking without a parking ticket can result in a parking fine notice of up to $50."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Were the police still after me? I couldn't tell. Over the incessant slapping of the wheat against my windows, and the crashing noise as my vehicle crushed some poor farmer's next harvest, I couldn't hear a thing. Not even sirens.

Don't let there be another tree! Please, I know trees are important for the environment and all, but please don't let there be another tree on this particular night in this particular field!

Suddenly, I saw something in front of me! The tree of doom? No! It was light! There was light coming through the wheat, from my left! Swerving the car around, I accelerated, mowing myself a faster path through America's agriculture.

Thud!

Without warning, the wheat disappeared from around me, and the car jolted. I was out of the fields! Out of the fields and on a smooth plain. Dust whirled up around the wheels right and left. In front of me, distant lights shimmered alluringly.

A town! Yes! A place with lights in it!

Turning slightly to the left, I accelerated, racing towards the town. The cops were still after me—I could hear them now, crashing through the wheat behind me, their sirens wailing. Maybe in a town, I'd be able to shake them off. Action heroes on TV always managed to shake off their pursuers by leading them into some narrow labyrinth of alleys.

Yes, but unlike you, those action heroes actually really know how to drive!

Before I could contemplate this point, I was already darting into town between two rows of houses. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of someone's pool and a dog house.

Wait a minute...

A dog house, on a street?

Glancing outside, I saw green flash right and left to the car.

Oh. I wasn't on a street. I was racing across a row of front lawns.

The Dagger GT shot past at 250 mph, probably giving the poor Dalmatian inside the dog hutch the shock of his life. The grandpa reclining in a deckchair on the next piece of lawn didn't fare much better. People right and left came running out of their houses, staring—then jumped out of the way when they realized that wasn't a hallucination racing through their gardens, but an actual, real car, with an actual really insane driver.