My Boyfriend Is a Psychopathic Clown: Harley Quinn's Story

I Start Dating Bandage Boy

His name was Thomas Elliot, and he looked a little like hottie billionare Bruce Wayne, but different.

"He's a plastic surgeon, so if Mr. J ever gets enough money for you to get that boob job...." This was a private joke of ours, but Tom had no idea, and with only a slight glance at my chest, replied,

"I wouldn't touch you with a knife. You have the kind of physique that women come to my office desiring."

I was flattered by a man who seemed the perfect gentleman, but Ivy pulled me aside after dessert.

"Thomas...he's like us."

I was afraid of that.

"He's Hush, isn't he?"

Her eyes gave her away.

"How dare you set me up with one of Mr. J's rivals! He'll kill me, and him, if he ever  finds out!"

"You guys can keep it quiet. Tom is good at flying under the radar."

She focused her begging gaze on me.

"Just go out with him once, Harley, please? See, Hush is kind of a woman-hater by nature-"

"A mysogynist? Great pick, Ivy! He'll probably treat me worse than you think Puddin' does!"

"It's a psychological thing, Harley. About his mother. You certainly heard about his mother."

Of course I heard about his mother - barely alive from the car accident that killed his father, she was saved by a emergency operation by Dr. Thomas Wayne and disinherited her young son, smashing his dreams of medical school like windowpanes of stained glass. I didn't consider myself a very good shrink - I hadn't cured Mr. J of his psychosis and obsession with crime sprees and murdering - but maybe, maybe this time....

It was always worth a try.

"Fine. He can't be that bad, anyway."

We went on our first date to the Iceberg Lounge (a criminal hangout and one of Puddin's and my favorites), and were enjoying intelligent chatter over Fettuccine lobster Alfredo when I heard feminine giggling and went to investigate, finding Zatanna and Selina Kyle having a girls' night out.

"Harley! Come join us! Eniw elttob ruop!" she intoned, holding out my glass. I wasn't techinically supposed to associate with the former Justice League member, but they'd kicked her out for her mind-wipes, so I knew a bad girl lurked somewhere inside the magician's daughter. Someday, if she ever wanted to tap into it....She'd be a wicked force to reckon with, having her backward spells. I didn't notice until everything froze that Tom - Hush - had come up behind me.

"What are you doing, associating with these filth?"

"Filth?" I challenged. "These are my friends."

"Well, you keep poor company, then. " He started with Zatanna.

"You filthy gypsy, you should have been gassed at Auschwitz with your ancestors...and as for your common gutterslut of a dinner companion...everyone knows who you spend your time around, those common street whores you give room and board to. It's disgraceful and nauseating!"

I stalked out on him, I admit it, even in the sleet, running in my fancy black-and-white-striped shoes and ruffled U-necked blouse and matching tiered miniskirt, to catch a cab.

He apologized, even brought me flowers, but it wouldn't make anything better. I told him the only thing that would was a therapy session. His problems were rooted deep, and I might be the only one who could burrow deep down and dissipate them.