𝒔𝒆𝒎𝒊 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂 𝒔/𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒔𝒆𝒙𝒖𝒂𝒍 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒖𝒎𝒂
❁ུ۪*❃ུ۪*❀⑅*❁ུ۪
- when you get together, you are too ashamed to tell Semi what you had gone through, so you keep quiet about it, hoping you could forget it with him
- everything is fine at first, you go out, kiss, laugh, have deep talks, listen to music, everything normal couples do
-but you know that one day, he will ask you if you want to sleep with him
- and you fear that day
- within the following months, his kisses get rougher and more passionate, his hands loose their hesitance and start to run over your body, but you can't tell him that you don't want him to go further, that you're afraid to feel his fingers on the skin that was hidden and kept safe beneath the textile of your clothes
- your fear wraps around your throat like a rope and you just lie there, stiff and feeling your heart beat faster
- when he slowly pushes up your shirt and the tips of his fingers run over your stomach, you can't hold it in anymore and you start crying
- it's so silent that Semi doesn't notice it at first, but when he does, he stares at you in pure shock, before pulling back and moving his body next to you, looking at you and apologizing over and over for not noticing that he had made you feel uncomfortable
- he tries to give you as much personal space as possible and it takes you a while to calm down
- after he asks you if he did something wrong, you tell him that it isn't his fault and with a hesitant voice, you tell him the story of how you had been broken in so many parts of your soul
- it's obvious how much it upsets him, even though he manages to stay calm, you see tears of fury in his eyes and notice how tensed his fingers are
- he can't believe that someone would do that to a person and he has to restrain himself not to get up and punch that person in the face, giving them what they deserve after treating you so horribly
- but he reminds himself that this is about you and he asks how he can help you, politely asks what your boundaries are and tells you to show him when he's going too far in your opinion
- you nod and tell him how bad you feel for declining him such a fun part about a relationship, but he just smiles at you and tells you that it wouldn't be fun if it made you suffer
- he really takes his time with you, always stops when you ask him to and makes sure you understand that your body belongs to you and only to you
- with each month, you feel a little more comfortable and you start to get braver and braver thanks to Semi's patience
- at first, you allow him to kiss your shoulders, then after a few weeks, you feel comfortable with his lips against your ribcage and after another few weeks, you can stay fully relaxed when he is spreading kisses over your stomach
- he also is in contact with the therapist you visit because of what happened, asking them what he can do to make you feel comfortable and happy
- Semi is a very mature person, so he gets that sex isn't everything and no matter if he has to wait for years or forever to sleep with you, he gives you time to heal in all the places you were broken
━━━━━━━━━
Sweet kisses ghosted over your lips and you smiled, feeling how Semi's hands gently caressed your cheeks.
You were at his place and his kisses sent you to heaven, as usual when you met with him.
You had been together for a while now and each second you spent with him made you feel like you were levitating, like your world became brighter and more colourful.
Yet your smile faded when you felt how his hands slid down to your sides.
Old panic crawled up inside of you and your body tensed, your lips trembled and your fingers inside Semi's hair grow cold.
When he pulled back and asked if you were okay, you could only nod, fearing that he might push you away or get irritated if you told him no.
So you only nodded and felt him smile as he kissed you once more, before his lips trailed down to your neck, gently whispering against your skin and kissing your jaw.
You just hoped he wouldn't slip his fingers beneath your shirt, the fear of that made your heart beat faster and your brain slow down.
His breath hit your neck and you felt a lump in your throat, already close to crying.
And when his hand trailed beneath your shirt, his fingers gently caressing your side and your stomach, you couldn't hold back the tears.
Memories of darkness and pain flooded your mind and you pressed your lips shut, closing your eyes and holding down your volume so that no sound left you.
You just wanted it to be over quick, wanted to get away from this reality full of pain.
“(y/n)?”
When you heard Semi's voice, you gasped and looked up at him, seeing his shocked expression through the veil of tears in your eyes.
“Hey, what's wrong?”
His voice was so soft, so caring that it only brought more tears to your eyes and a sob broke from your throat.
He gently grabbed your hand and rested a hand on your back to pull you up towards him, his eyes constantly fixed on you.
“Did I do something wrong? Please tell me if I hurt you in any way.”
You couldn't answer. The lump in your throat was too big to swallow, too big to breathe, fear had wrapped its iron hands around your neck, your entire body.
You could only shake your head, feeling guilty.
“No, no, it's just...”
You couldn't tell him, you couldn't talk about this right now.
More memories rushed through your brain and you broke down in his arms, raising your hands to hide your face from his eyes.
Semi took you into his arms, caressing your back and gently running his fingers through your hair.
“It's okay, let it out. I'm sorry, I guess I overwhelmed you a little bit.”
You felt so bad that he took the blame onto himself and you wrapped your arms around him in return, trying to show him that you weren't mad at him.
“It's not your fault... It's... It's theirs...”
Semi slowly pulled back from you and studied your face, gently caressing your cheeks and wiping a few of your tears away.
“Did someone hurt you? What happened?”
You were still crying and inside your head, you already made up an excuse, that you had just misspoken, that there was nothing he had to worry about and that this had just been too much for you at this moment.
But just when you wanted to force a smile on your face and wanted to start speaking, you looked into his eyes, seeing so much honesty and love inside of them.
He wouldn't judge you. He wouldn't think of you as a liar.
Suddenly, your trust and your love for Semi weighed so much more than the feeling of guilt and shame you had carried with you through all this time.
And you decided to tell him about what had happened to you.
With each sentence of your story, you saw that Semi's eyes teared up and that his jaw clenched, as if he had trouble to swallow his emotions.
When you were done, you took a deep breath and stared at your trembling hands, not being able to believe that you had just done the thing you had been most afraid of.
Then, you hesitantly looked back at Semi and the shadow that hung over his face made new fear spark in your stomach.
“Are you angry now? I'm sorry that I destroyed your mood.”
When he heard your words, the shadow vanished and he looked at you with so much pain and guilt in his eyes that you almost weren't able to handle it.
Before you were able to say something, he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug.
“I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I should have noticed something, I should've stopped myself, I'm such an idiot.”
You shook your head and trailed your fingers through his hair.
“No, you're not. You just wanted to make me feel good, it's okay.”
When he pulled back, he gently placed his hands at the sides of your face, looking straight into your eyes.
“(y/n)? I swear to god that you will never have to go through that again. I will stay by your side and I will protect you from all the pain this world tries to give you.”
Your eyes watered and your lips trembled. You hadn't expected such a strong reaction from him.
“I love you endlessly, (y/n). And I'm so proud that you told me.”
Love and joy made your body move forward, making you push your lips against his, drowning in the feeling of his kisses.
You noticed how hesitant he was now, how carefully he moved his lips in his attempt not to overwhelm you.
When you pulled back, you placed your hands at his cheeks as well, noticing how he hurled himself into the warmth of your palms.
“I'm sorry for all this. I don't know if I will ever be able to relax when you touch my bare skin, I don't know if I can have sex and...”
Your voice got more quiet and you lowered your gaze.
“I would understand if you do not want to wait for me to be ready.”
When you looked up, you only saw a smile on his face and then you felt how he moved his head forward, leaning his forehead against yours.
“I love you for your being, for your personality, not for your body, (y/n) – even though you look great, don't get me wrong. And even if it takes months, years or forever for you, I will not leave you alone just because we can't have sex.”
He kissed the tip of your nose and the love that filled you to the brim almost made you cry again.
“No matter how long it takes for you to be ready, I'll stay forever by your side and be there for you.”
A single tear ran down your cheek and your lips trembled.
“Forever?”
Your mind was barely able to wrap itself around this small word that had so much meaning, that held so many promises.
Semi nodded and closed his eyes, gently leaning his nose against yours.
“Forever.”