Nothing felt real after that day. Food lost its flavor, my hands refused to paint, and any songs that I heard fell flat on my ears. I wished I could say I used this heartbreak as an excuse to throw myself into my work. But I often found myself mindlessly clawing at my own fingertips during class, ripping them to shreds, unable to pay attention. Textbook symptoms of anxiety.
I had never had anxiety before- at least, not like this. But the knowledge that Draco was now aware I was half-Squib kept me from ever getting a mental moment of peace. It was always a question of when, not if, something would happen and I would have to protect myself. For I couldn't count on Draco's protection any longer.
My parents sent me a letter alerting me that they made it safely to the United States and were settling into their new home in New York. I reread the letter thoroughly before burning it. No one could know that my mother, a muggle sympathizer, had escaped with my Squib father to the United States to avoid persecution from the returning influence of dark wizards. They had offered for me to do the same, but I refused, stupidly holding out on the idea that Draco and I could be together.
I could still see the ice that glazed over his eyes after I told him the truth.
His eyes were the last thing I saw before I fell asleep. Even though it hurt, I replayed that scene over and over in my mind, whittling my sanity down until I cried and cried. I became an expert at stifling my sobs in my bed at night, or in bathroom stalls, or even in the backs of classrooms. Whenever the thought of Draco entered my mind, the tears inevitably came, too. For he didn't want me anymore. I was just another person on his prospective hit list for when he "purifies" the student body.
"Hell, Erica. Your eyes."
I awoke in my bed with a sniffle. Penny was looming over me, her tweezed eyebrows upturned in an expression I couldn't discern as concern or disgust.
"What?" I croaked. I touched my fingertips to my eyelids, discovering they were swollen and puffy. I must have cried in my sleep last night.
Greta paused her dressing to come over and see. "Is that some kind of allergic reaction?" She tilted her head to get a better look.
"I'm just homesick," I grumbled dismissively, slowly rising from my bed to dress for the day. How long has it been since Draco rejected me? Give or take, about a week. I exhaled a warm breath of air in the frigid room. It only took my friends a week to notice I'm a complete mess.
"I have some eye cream you can borrow," Greta offered sweetly. "And why don't we all get some hot chocolates today?" she asked, her eyes specifically looking to me.
I smiled a little at her overture of friendship. I could always count on Greta to try and cheer me up. But Penny ruined the moment by remarking, "I don't think you need any more of those, Greta. If we go on having hot chocolates whenever we feel like it, we're going to balloon up."
I retorted, "If you don't like it, Penny, then you don't have to get one." Penny turned to me, no doubt with a frown, but I ignored her and worked on fastening my skirt.
"Fine, then. You all can get fat like a bunch of Hufflepuffs." Penny closed her trunk with a huff and went off to the women's loo. Greta, Evelyn and I were left standing in the tense air Penny and I created.
"You don't have to provoke her like that, you know," Greta said to me softly.
"Yeah, what's gotten into you, lately?" Evelyn chimed in curiously. "I mean, Penny can be a bit much sometimes, but lately it's like you have a problem with everything she says."
I narrowed my eyes. "I'm just speaking my mind. I'm sorry if it makes you all uncomfortable."
Greta and Evelyn exchanged a look. Greta wrung her hands and meekly said, "I know we're all stressed about OWL's, but something's changed about you, Erica. We're just a little concerned, is all-"
I chuckled a little as I arranged my brown locks. "Maybe you guys should try saying what you really think. It's very revealing." I stole a glance at their surprised faces and smirked. "Trust me."
---
My Devil-may-care attitude vanished as soon as I got the summons to go to McGonagall's office. I had no idea why she wanted to speak with me on a Saturday afternoon, but my anxiety was at an all time high as I knocked on the large wooden doors to her office. I wished I could have blown her off, but McGonagall was someone I didn't want to piss off. Penny, on the other hand, I enjoyed provoking- like a cat playing with a mouse. I was a new Erica; a Draco-less Erica, with very little to lose.
"Come in."
I closed the doors behind me and spotted McGonagall in the corner of her office at her desk. I hadn't spoken to her very much outside of transfiguration classes and was frankly quite intimidated by her- even just the back of her head made me stand up a little straighter than usual.
"Wh-what is it you wished to see me about, Professor?" I stammered. She gestured at an upholstered chair.
"Take a seat, Miss Thorncroft," she said in her chillingly neutral voice. I did as she said. Her office was quaint, with a large globe and chalk board dominating most of the space. She turned around in her seat, nodding to a platter of sandwiches on the table before me. "Help yourself to a sandwich."
I wasn't hungry, but didn't want to appear rude, so I took one.
Before I took a bite, I blurted, "U-um, Professor, I apologize if my marks in transfiguration have been suffering lately. I'm afraid I've been a bit distracted- but I want to assure you it's a temporary mental block."
Professor McGonagall blinked at me. "Your marks are fine, Miss Thorncroft. Quite extraordinary, in fact." I sighed in relief. She adjusted the long sleeves of her robe. "I only wished to speak with you to say how surprising you've been this year."
My eyes widened. "H-how so?"
"Professor Snape has informed me your marks have exceeded last year's," her soft mouth parted in a slight smile. "And that has not gone unnoticed. He would tell you himself, but he finds it difficult to relay good news to students, especially the girls."
I nodded, understanding exactly what she meant. If I heard this compliment from Professor Snape it wouldn't seem nearly as sincere. But an itch in my brain told me that they didn't give such flagrant pats-on-the-back to all the students who improved their grades. There was an ulterior motive for this meeting.
Professor McGonagall pursed her lips. "And on the matter of Severus, I'm sure he has made his disapproval of your relationship with Draco evident."
My breath caught in my throat at the mention of Draco. My eyes darted about, unsure where to look. If McGonagall was about to give me a similar talking to that Snape gave to me about Draco, there was no need- for Draco and I weren't together anymore. But before I could tell her that, she spoke again.
"When Draco showed us your paintings, Severus was quick to share his reservations about your relationship. But I do not feel the same way," she spoke. "Although it was quite unexpected, I believe you are a good match for him."
"Wh-what makes you say so?" I asked hoarsely, still clutching the uneaten sandwich in my hand.
McGonagall looked at me wisely. "Well, for one matter, Draco openly admitted you two had taken a liking to each other. Not only is that kind of honesty rare for Draco, but it is rare for teenage boys in general." She paused. "You must be quite special to him, Miss Thorncroft."
I thought about that for a moment. Draco only openly admitted to us "dating" when he got caught with those paintings I had done of him. He only did so in order to get himself out of trouble. I hardly think that makes me special.
McGonagall lowered her voice. "Draco is a troubled boy. I've been keeping a particularly close eye on him this year, but there's only so much that I can do. I believe someone like you, with a good heart and your experience helping others in the hospital wing, will be a good influence on him. I hope you will continue to be there for him."
My blood ran cold. Not only was I far from his perfect match, I was an accessory to the trouble I was supposedly keeping him out of. I was one of the few people who was aware of his horrible plan to kill Dumbledore and "purify" the school. And here McGonagall was, giving me words of encouragement for supposedly staying by his side and keeping him on the straight and narrow.
I began to tremble. I could tell McGonagall the truth right here and now. But that would no doubt mean Draco would be expelled. It suddenly felt like I was dangling from the edge that was Draco Malfoy- he had already loosened my grip for me, and I was almost ready to let go for good. But I couldn't seem to take the plunge.
"Draco is a difficult person to be with," I said quietly.
McGonagall nodded. "I understand. He is the type of boy who does not know what is good for him, hm?"
I forced myself to nod.
"Regardless, please do not stop being there for him," she said earnestly. "I worry about what would happen were he left alone."
"Me, too," I whispered. I wanted to tell her about Draco's plan. But how would I even begin to tell her? Why is this so difficult? Is it because my feelings for Draco are still fresh?
Is it that I still love him, despite everything?
McGonagall looked at me with curious eyes. "Is there something else on your mind, Miss Thorncroft?"
I looked down at the uneaten sandwich I had been clutching. I slowly placed it back onto the table. "No," I said hurriedly. "Um, I think I should excuse myself. Thank you for your time."
I was practically bursting with guilt when I finally left her office. I had plenty of opportunity to say Draco's plan just then. Why couldn't I bring myself to do it? Especially after I gave Greta and Evelyn such an earful about speaking my mind earlier today-
I couldn't be there for Draco like she wished, and that made me ashamed. I supposed I would rather have her think I was Draco's savior of a girlfriend than be his broken-hearted snitch. I was disgusted with myself. Utterly, entirely disgusted; for even though it was clear he was not on my side, I still remained on his.
It would be easier to communicate what I want to say in writing. Yes, I'll write McGonagall a letter, as soon as I get back to my room.
I hurried back to the basement, grasping the doorknob of my bedroom- only to find that some sticky, foreign substance was on it. I pulled back, inspecting the clear goo that stuck to my palm.
"What on earth...." I mumbled, pushing the door open regardless and going inside. I had a napkin I could use to wipe this viscous liquid away; Greta probably got the grease on the doorknob after breakfast.
I saw that the room was not empty. Penny was laying on her bed on her side. I braced myself.
"Penny, I'm sorry about earlier," I sighed, talking to her back. "But you should know that I'm not going to put up with your derogatory comments anymore. And that goes for Greta and Evelyn as well-" I stopped. Penny didn't so much as lift her head.
I came around to the other side of the bed to see if she was sleeping. It was unusual for her to sleep in the middle of the day, but I wanted to believe that over the notion that she was flat out ignoring me.
Penny was laying on her side in full uniform, her eyes closed. She appeared to be deep in some kind of slumber. But I knew Penny, and thought it was strange that she was sleeping with her shoes on, when she was so anal about having shoes on her bed. Uncertain and a little scared, I placed a finger under her nose to see if she was still breathing. She was.
I exhaled in relief and told myself I was being paranoid. I had to find a quill and some paper and write my confession to McGonagall. But as soon as I started rummaging through my things, I began to feel faint.
Shit. What's going on? I definitely hadn't been sleeping well lately, but my body felt heavy enough to drop at any second. My head... my head felt like it was full of cotton.
Quill in hand, I attempted to write. Dear... Professor... I didn't make it farther than that before my hand slipped from the page and braced for impact as I tumbled to the floor. As I fought to keep my eyes open, I pieced together that I was most likely under the effect of some kind of magic. The fluid on the doorknob... Penny must have gotten to it first...
My eyes closed against my will, but I managed to keep them open just long enough to see the tip of a polished black shoe.
I wanted to say something, anything- but I slipped into unconsciousness.
Hullo-
Thank you all for reading! I appreciate all the comments and votes! More is coming (and it's gonna be a rocky ride lol)
-KittyHawk410