I WAS ABOUT FOURTEEN WHEN I started to go to actual school.
"We've created an identity for you, and now you'll need to make use of it. You can't just suddenly show up to the screen and have no one ever seen you before. So you're going to school. Socialize and make a small name for yourself, be a good girl."
Mr. Wang had said to me one morning, while Adele was smoking a cigarette and giving me that downward look she always gives me.
Adele and Joseph weren't exactly in the best mood with me. You see, the public schools in China aren't free, you pay except it's just cheaper than private schools. And Joseph and Adele had to pay for it, they were not happy with that.
But I ignored the terrible attitude they were giving me, I ignored the room they gave me which is small but suitable. They didn't like me much, but they sure did like to show me off to friends.
School in the city sounded enchanting. There were these uniforms we were given, five sets, two formal sets and three everyday sets. I was excited to start actual school.
When I was starting school, around that time was also when Mr. Wang started to create and build his company. He was looking for more girls while I was going to school. And there was a power to me then, I was his first girl, I was his biggest asset, and I was also the one he spent most time and effort on. I needed to stay that way.
The uniform was actually pretty ugly, too big of a jacket and jogger pants in white and light blue. But once it was on me, I knew I looked good. Sometimes I see Adele peeking at me in a way like she admires me secretly but doesn't want to admit it, and that just really leaves a huge satisfaction. I liked that kind of power I had.
I wasn't the kind of person to get nervous, but on that first day I was.
I remember the teacher introducing me to the class, I stood there, and I held all the eyes. The girls, some of them looked insecure when they saw me, and some just looked like they wanted to be me. The boys, well, they looked like they have never seen a girl before until they saw me.
"This is 孙雪莉 (Sun Xue Li) everyone. She has been homeschooled for the majority of her life, please make her feel welcomed."
It was my first time outside being called that name other than Adele's friends. I was really Sun Xue Li now, and my new identity was becoming true.
Was I made to feel welcomed? Sure, but also, no.
When it was the first in-between break session on that first day, one girl came up to me, dragging a boy with her. The entire time his eyes never left me, first to my face then down my chest. I was uncomfortable, but one thing I've learned about holding your power, your image, is that even when you're uncomfortable, you must hide it. So I sat straighter and smiled at him and the girl, he blushed.
The girl had her arms all over the boy. "Hey, Xue Li." She said that, by not using my family name, as a nickname, like we have been friends ever since. "I'm 王亚兰 (Wang Ya Lan), and this is my boyfriend." Her grip on the boy tightens, and he forces himself to tear his eyes away from me and on her. "Welcome to our school, I hope you like it here."
I smiled at her and the boy. "I hope I do too."
The message was incredibly clear. She didn't want me near her boyfriend, not that I had any intentions anyway.
Wang Ya Lan wasn't a big fan of me throughout the years of high school. But I wasn't the typical person to care much about what she thought. I wasn't about to let some nobody make me feel scared and insecure.
I did make a few friends though, well, I don't exactly know if you can call them friends. But at the time it felt like they were my friends.
We would sit together at lunch, and when it was in-between break session, we would huddle and gossip. Except what they talked about never really interested me.
"Did you see 雅凯军 (Ya Kai Jun) over in class A? I swear, he is so cute."
"Oh my god, yeah. I wonder if he's seeing anyone."
One of them turns toward me. "What are your thoughts, Xue Li? What do you think about Kai Jun? He's like the cutest boy in the whole school."
I blinked at her. "Kai Jun? Yeah, he's alright."
"Are you kidding me? Alright? He's like hot hot!"
The other one of them tapped her shoulder. "Hey, this is Xue Li, alright? She's the best looking girl in the whole school, of course she'd have high standards."
"Hm, yeah that seems about right." She turns back to me. "So what is your exact type?"
They all look at me now, and I feel startled by the question.
All the girls would talk about their crushes, or just guys in general. They'd talk about how they get so nervous, how their hearts start beating fast, how they get so happy and all. I wanted to relate with them, except I just couldn't. I couldn't feel any of what they described. Sure, I liked looking at the good looking guys, but it just didn't feel like anything. But I wasn't about to be an outsider, so I pretended I felt the same way as them. I pretended to blush, I pretended my heart was about to jump out of my chest, I did what they did. Because how can I be left out?
So that day I made something up. "Well, he has to be smart."
They nodded, eager to hear the kind of guy I preferred.
"And kind. Well, I guess also good looking?"
"Be more specific about the looks. Like what kind of hair? Eyes? Face? Body shape?"
I tried not to let my frown show. "Hair? Well, maybe hair that's not too short? And uh, eyes? Well big eyes I guess? And um, face, well, maybe a more squared and angular jaw. And body shape? I guess I like a guy that's more in shape and muscular."
The day right after that, I saw the guys in our class, and even maybe the whole school, looking a bit different than usual. One guy, he had these slim eyes, except that day his eyes for some reason looked bigger than before. And some guys were being funny with their jaws, moving them unnaturally to make it look angular. And the more slightly chubbier guys looked like they were holding their breath the entire time.
It was funny, watching them try so hard. Me and the girls laughed and teased. I knew they must've started to tell everyone about my "typical guy" and everything, I wasn't surprised. But I also realized how fast news traveled, and I was definitely not about to tell everyone about how I couldn't feel anything.
That I wasn't capable of love.
It was hard to accept that at first. But I got used to it, and I think because of that I also saw things in a way the other girls couldn't. How ridiculous they looked when trying so hard, and how easily the other guys can just hurt them with a few words. And I wasn't about to let anyone get to me. I got out of the village for one thing, and that was to be on the screen. Not to find love to waste my time and deal with gossip.
About a year later of going to school, when I turned fifteen on my fake birthday, Mr. Wang has finally found the other girls. And he had formed a group.
We were in a small studio he was renting, I got there immediately after school when he sent me the address.
Three other girls were already in the studio when I got there. And in honesty, they were all beautiful and looked no older than sixteen. Mr. Wang found exactly the right girls he wanted.
"Everyone, this is 孙雪莉 (Sun Xue Li), also known as Maeve Sun Lively."
The girls nodded, and one girl caught my eye and quickly looked away when I looked at her. She had her hair dyed with highlights of rose red while the rest of her hair was plain black, and she had these huge black eyes that made me want to look into forever. I wanted to get to know her.
"This is 黄妙美 (Huang Miao Mei) also Kayla Huang, and this is 赵爱莲 (Zhao Ai Lian) also Phoebe Zhao." He stops when he gets to the girl that avoided my eyes. Her hair stood out from the others, she looked prettier than them in a way I couldn't describe at the time. Mr. Wang's grin widens when he gets to her, he swings an arm around her shoulder, she looked uncomfortable. "And lastly, 吴雅菡 (Wu Ya Han) also Bridget Wu."
I smiled at Bridget once I learned her name, it just came so naturally to my face. She shyly smiled back.
Mr. Wang hired a vocal and dance teacher for us. Starting that day on, we started to train every morning before school and afternoon after school. And it was then that I also realized this: I. Have. No. Talent.
My voice cracked when I tried to reach the high notes for vocals, and when I tried to reach the lower notes I kept losing my breath. I was clearly not made for this. But the other girls were all doing perfectly well.
One day when I was practicing my singing, Mr. Wang came in. I was just trying so hard, so hard to get it right. But my voice just couldn't hold itself up singularly. I was only good for the chorus.
"Maeve, come here."
I stopped what I was doing and went over.
"Singing can't be forced. And darling..." He points back at Kayla who's warming up her voice with the vocal teacher. She sounded amazing. "I don't think singing is really for you. We'll have to cut you into the chorus parts, alright?"
I didn't want that. If I was only cut into the chorus parts, how will people notice me?
I felt tears stinging behind my eyes. "B-But if I try harder, I know I'll get better. Just give me some time."
He looked frustrated, but then he patted my shoulder. "Okay then, you guys are just practicing. We haven't gotten any songs written for you all yet, no need to make decisions now. Just practice."
He left the studio and I felt a nervousness in me. I needed to be good, and I wasn't. I wasn't even decent.
I turned most of my attention to dancing then, but I couldn't do that either. And the main thing in C-Pop was dancing and singing. I couldn't do either one. What was the use of me then?
I practiced more than the other girls did. The dance teacher would show us the moves twice, and we'd try to follow along, and everyone else was able to get the moves after watching and trying it three or four times. I took longer and my body was more stubborn.
Kayla helped me with my legs, how I have to move them in certain parts. And Phoebe helped me with how I had to move my chest and hips, how the two stick out in opposite directions when I'm supposed to move. But no matter how many times they help me go over it, I just couldn't get it right. And I was trying, really really hard. They spent about an hour helping me until she and Phoebe got too frustrated and made up an excuse to leave.
I sat on the dance floor, feeling my sweat that's being wasted towards nothing. I had no talent, I was useless. I felt so dreadful, so stupid. I thought I was meant for the screen but suddenly it just felt like a dream. It was also when my mother's voice started to follow me:
"If you think you can ever be on that screen, you're a ridiculous fool."
She was right, I am a ridiculous fool. I thought I was meant for the screen but I can't even sing, not even dance. What am I even?
Just when I'm about to cry, thinking I'm alone, Bridget came back into the studio, looking for something she probably forgot. It was already around seven p.m. and I was hungry.
She was the best out of all of us. Her singing exceeded, and her dancing was always on beat. Both the vocal and dance teacher praised her, she was made to be a C-Pop star. I haven't talked to her since the day Mr. Wang introduced all of us to each other. She was quiet and wasn't the type to socialize. But she was good.
I quickly wiped away my tears when she came in, but it was too late. She had seen it.
"Is everything alright?"
I tried to avoid her eyes, getting up from the floor. "Y-Yeah, I was just about to go over the new dance we learned yesterday." I went over to the speaker near the mirror to pick the song.
We have already been taught about seven dances, and the others all knew them by heart. I was barely even there. It was so plain in sight at how bad I was. Even Mr. Wang saw it. If I kept this up, he was going to kick me out soon.
"Me too."
I looked at Bridget, she was in a big coat and boots for winter, not her dance clothes.
"What?"
She took off her boots and coat, and in a big sweater, she came over to me next to the speaker. "I wanted to practice the dance too. This one is harder than all the other ones."
I scuffed. "Yeah right, I saw you today. You did it perfectly."
"Well then I just want to dance it again."
It was so obvious how she was trying to find a way to help me with the dance while trying to avoid the words of saying it just so she won't offend me. She was terrible at pretending. Always have been.
"You know you're really bad at this." I laughed, now looking at her.
She looked startled and a little confused by this. "B-Bad at what?"
"You know, pretending you're just dancing but secretly you're trying to help me. You can just tell me I suck and you're trying to help me."
"You don't suck. Don't say that."
"I do, Bridget. You don't have to feel bad for saying I suck. I can't sing. I can't dance. What am I even still doing here?" I looked around the studio dance floor, I looked straight at myself at the wall mirror. My brown hair in my ponytail was coming loose, I had sweat all over my face, but I still looked magnificent in a way. Yeah, I'm here because I have a face.
Bridget doesn't say anything, she just clicks play on the speaker. I wasn't even ready yet.
The beat of the music thumped in my veins, every time it turns on, a voice starts hissing in my head. You can't do this. You suck. You have no talent. Get out of here. You're going to fail anyways, just leave now for everyone else's sake.
"You have to feel the music!" Bridget's voice cuts into my head.
She has her hair down, the rosy highlights seem to move in slow motion. Her eyes are closed, and you can really see how natural she is with the music. It's like she lives in the motions of each beat and melody.
"Listen closely. What does the song sound like to you? What story is it telling?"
I listened closely, that voice hissing at me faded for the first time. My body relaxed.
"It's eager. It's exciting, like you're excited to go to a party soon and everything is going to get hyped up."
Bridget opens her eyes and she smiles at me. "That's right. Now think of the motions we were taught for this dance. Think about how each motion, how does it represent that feeling? How does it make you feel as the dancer?"
And just like that, like Bridget was some kind of magic source, I learned the dance. It took two hours, each move being repeated and learned in a new way that Bridget taught me to think of it as. Each time more tiring than the time before.
We did one last take, and I...I did it. I danced out the whole song, the hardest dance we've been taught so far, and I did it.
Bridget comes over to me, her phone in her hand. We were both sweating by now and tired. "I recorded that one for you, I can send it to you."
My stomach grumbled as I said yes. It should have felt embarrassing, how loud it sounded and awkward. But Bridget and I started laughing, so hard we were in tears.
"I'm hungry too. There's a noodle place across the street that's pretty good."
I looked at her, and I felt something else in my stomach churn. Not hunger, but something else altogether.
"Let's go there now!"
We picked up our coats and stuff, locked the studio and left. We talked and laughed the whole way across the street.
I knew from that day on, I really liked Bridget. And because of her, I realized the other girls in school, none of them were my actual friend.
Bridget Wu became my first friend.