Naira's eyes felt sore from all the crying , she checked the time, 1:30 and yet sleep won't come easily today. Right now she cursed Kartik for having the free entrance pass to her thoughts, no matter the physical distance she creates between them, he still finds a way to penetrate her head like he owns it, and if truth be told he does!
She closed her eyes, holding Kairav close to herself and with some hope of slipping into the temporary unconsciousness where she won't have to hurt or be hurt by anyone, that was the only comfort these days !
It's exactly then that her phone buzzed. She was surprised, nobody calls this late unless there is some bad news. She'd think she was dreaming if only the buzzing of the phone in her hand wasn't that evident. It was him!
She looked at the time again, she was right the first time, it's past midnight. Why would he call her now? Did he start drinking again? Her thoughts went to the past when they were separated for 2 years, he'd found comfort in alcohol, can it be the same this time?
She crossed her fingers and answered the call.
"Come down, I'm waiting for you"
Definitely not drunk, she thought. She got a little angry at the fact that he was bossing over her. She hated that the most. But then what could she expect? Him being sweet and nice when she walked out of the house even after his countless denials! She was still silent, this felt too unreal to even react.
"Naira?"
This was a questioning tone, he wanted to know whether she was coming down or not. She could still guess what he meant by that one word . It was always the same with them. Whenever he was unable to express his feelings in words he would say her name, and in an instant she would know what he felt- love, confusion, anger or longing.
"It's too late, Kairav is sleeping and the most important part, you shouldn't be here right now, let alone coming here to meet me" She tried her best not to give away the longing she felt to simply go and hear what he wanted to talk about this late. The only person who would talk to her, others still preferred the silent treatment with her.
"I don't care about the time, I know Kairav doesn't wake up mid sleep, he gets that from me and I know you are aware of that too and I don't think you should worry about whether my actions can have a bad impact or no anymore. Listen please just come down, I won't take much of your time!"
She weighed the pros and cones of going down and having a conversation with him when just a few minutes ago she was trying to find some comfort from his thoughts. But what made her finally agree was the temptation of having a conversation with him without anybody knowing about it . She hates him, but she loved him once, so a conversation won't hurt. She tried to bargain that maybe he has a solution to this complicated situation. Afterall whenever she was unable to find any solutions in her life back then, he used to emerge as her savior.
Promising herself that she was only going down because he was stubborn and won't go without meeting her and not because she too was desperate to steal a moment for themselves where the world would be oblivious of this impromptu meeting of their's and no one to pass a judgment about. She tiptoed from her room, down the hall and atlast stood in front of him maintaining a one hand distance, because any further will allow her a very clear look of his orbs and that can be a risky thing to do.
The first thing that Kartik noticed was the distance she kept between them.
'So now she can't even stand close to me, noted. 'He thought and nodded at her, as if acknowledging her presence. He kept looking at her for a few seconds . Taking in her midnight beauty. Her night gown was shoulder length, her hair open, just how he always preferred, it was weird to see her without any accessories, it was the same with all her day outfits . He missed those accessories. There was a time when he'd hold her close to him and play with those heavy earrings and rings and bangles she adored herself with. And then he wished for a life where he could go just five minutes without having to go in the past and long for that now.
She cleared her throat, his staring was making her more conscious . In the hurry to come down she even forgot to cover herself with a jacket or shawl. The weather was quite cold but it was his intense gaze on her that made her rub her palms against her upper arms.
"Why are you here?" She asked looking everywhere but at him.
"To talk obviously" He said, the tone gave away his desperation he was trying so hard to hide.
"About ?" Now she was scared, one thing that both of them weren't good at was talking, and no not the happy talks, the harsh fact was that they could have the world's happiest talks, but when it came down to their feelings in times of anger, disagreements and disputes, she was sure that they would lose the battle even before it began.
If the highs were amazingly high, then the lows were sickeningly low, it would leave them in a place where right and wrong were inseparable and understandings and empathy never heard of.
"Why wasn't I given a chance to prove that I can be a good father?"
This question was on the list but this wasn't the most important one. But Kartik knew if he started with the questions that concerned their relationship she would give him vague answers and walk back again, he wasn't going to take a chance tonight.
"Huh?"
Naira had expected something related to her running away or leaving Goenka Villa, this question was not only difficult to answer but also difficult to understand. She had never judged his parental skill. In fact she very well knew he would be the perfect father. The only thing that stopped her from coming back 5 years ago was him asking her the identity of their child, she was too afraid to face that situation. And she did tell him this when he asked her in the hospital why did she lie to him about their child, so where was this question coming from now?
When she was sure that he meant exactly what she heard and also that he wasn't going to repeat himself she spoke.
"I never had a doubt about that. I knew and still believe that you are a wonderful father Kartik. I told you why I never confessed about being pregnant. I was scared you'd question him too! Nothing else"
The answer didn't bring any relief. The fact that he made her so vulnerable and scared of himself was a gut wrenching thought. He just nodded looking at the ground.
She looked at him, he never met her eyes when they talked about that question. She looked at him carefully trying to figure out his emotions. But they didn't give away much. His face was expressionless and the only give away 'his eyes' had found a spot on the ground, as if all the answers to his questions will magically appear there.
"Why did you choose not to come back to Singhania house? They have always been there for you."
This was the second most important question for him. And it was safe to ask as it didn't directly concern them.
"I can't believe you came here at this time and decide to play kbc" She was not going to answer that question, if she did, she would come off as weak, that was the last thing Kartik Goenka should know.
"They didn't deserve this one bit Naira. They were shattered. Not even once did you think of them? You do realise you willingly hurt them , I deserved all this, but what justification do you have for keeping them in the dark? You went away when you were a child, because you were mad at your mom and this time because of your husband. And yet everytime you come back they support you. I wonder what they did to deserve this punishment." His tone dripped with accusation and she tried her best not to let those tears spill.
She didn't come back because she was aware that if she stayed here, he would win her back again. And that's what she was so scared of. Though today she wished to go back and do exactly the same, but for now nobody was allowed to know what she wished for or what she felt. She was used to people forming their opinions about her, only her closest ones like the people sleeping inside the house right now and the man standing in front of her were never included in those people. But for a change she would let them create an image of her which wasn't the truth.
After witnessing her attempt to keep a straight face and not letting those tears spill, Kartik knew she had deliberately made this decision and not in the heat of the moment. She had intentionally decided to not return to her maternal family and that too with a reason that though hurt her bad had been necessary.
"I'll let that go for now Naira! but are they still not talking to you?"
His voice was filled with concern now, he had witnessed how she was at the receiving end of everyone's rudeness. For the the first 2 days after her return he thought he would hate her too, so much that all the pain would disappear and he would only have bitterness in his heart for her. But that thought melted away after Kairav's surgery was successful and he never felt any hatred after that, yes he was extremely enraged and upset but even that was for the fact that she kept him deprived of her for such a long period, and today when she left with Kairav, the pain multiplied and as soon as she was out of sight he felt numb. He had a feeling that today the last nail in his coffin was finally fixed and the sun would never rise for him again. In that moment nothing mattered but the fact that he failed to protect his most precious relationship and along with that his promise to Kairav to become a happy family.
"No, all I'm deserving of now is their mono syllables, and that too only if I'm lucky, or else silence and actions are the only answers I receive. " she said looking at the ground.
Her vision was getting blurry, there is only so much one can do to control their emotions. Answering to the questions which kept opening her wounds were not helping her to keep her emotions in check either. But she vowed to herself that she won't cry infront of anyone anymore. If they all think that she has become a stone hearted person then maybe they will allow her to walk away.
Kartik was sure he'll pass out soon with all the pain he felt right now. Pain, anger, sadness and guilt. The guilt that was eating him up. She was, is and will always continue to suffer because of him. He wanted to scream, this time to his Krishna ji asking him why did he fulfilled his wish to have Naira in his life. He was no good for her, infact he was the worst.
He gulped, cleared his throat, and
looked at her, now it seemed like it was her turn to find answers on the ground.
"I'm sorry, this is all because of me. If I di.." He was interrupted
"It's not , the decision to go away was mine. You have nothing to feel sorry about that concerns the family's anger. You made a mistake that broke our relationship but I can't blame you of this!" She spoke, finally looking at him.
He still reeled in the guilt, looking towards her he brace himself to ask a question which he knew would be difficult for her to answer.
"Papa se baat hui?"
Naira's heart felt another twist, one thing she was desperately avoiding since that phone call.
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