March
Saturday
My phone started ringing, waking me from my deep sleep.
"Hello!" I said with my sleepy voice, without even realising who I am saying hello to.
"You are still sleeping? We are on our way." My mom said. Shoot, today is Saturday, I forgot. I looked at the time, and it was passing 10.
"I'm waking up, mom," I said, and I heard my big sister complaining on the background.
"We will be there in 30 minutes sweaty, you should get ready," my mom said as Tshifhiwa kept on complaining.
"Okay bye," I said and hanged up the phone. I woke up and started clearing up the room, just a little touch up on the floor and everything. I took my towel and headed for the showers. In no time I was done while drinking a lot of coke right from the 2litre bottle, just something to cure the hangover.
After everything I have done and the little time I slept, I still felt tired, wishing they weren't coming. My body felt like I got hit by a bus full of other buses. I don't think I am capable of doing any shopping. God help me.
I went downstairs to pick them up. It has been two full months since I saw my mom; this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing her. At boarding school, I always went home every other weekend, so I didn't have to miss her like this. She was so happy to see me, so was I. I hugged them both and then signed them in.
"How is school so far, are you coping?" my sister asked while we enter through the elevator. She is the one who recommended Wits University to me; she went here too but doing accounting stuff.
"It's great, so far everything is not that hard as compared to what people said. I am copying," I said, and my mom was just blushing hearing that.
"Good, don't listen to what people say. Most will say it's hard, don't listen to them because they just want you to fail with them. It might be hard for them but don't let it be hard for you," she preached, every time we talk, she's always encouraging me and motivating me. Sometimes it's just unnecessary because it's not called for at the time, but she is always right. She is the smartest person I know, and she's my role model.
We arrived in my room, Tshifhiwa brought me a gift basket of deodorants. That was nice, what I wanted. We relaxed and talked while they both tear my room down to get whatever I don't know they were looking for. My sister was just checking my clothes, telling me which suit the campus, and which doesn't. My mom, on the other hand, I don't know if she was trying to find maybe a hidden newborn or something, she was just all over everything, re-packing some of my stuff.
Like what we usually do at home, we talked, gossiped, our mom telling us the gossips we are missing from home. It was nice until I saw a corner of a ripped condom pack under my bed. It was not that clear to see, but if you look closely, you could see it, it was a matter of time my sister sees it. I walked toward the bed to at least push it a little bit further under, but my sister got my attention and saw what I was doing. She stared at me, disappointed, but said nothing.
"Come on, take me to the bathroom," she said as she already heading for the door. I knew she didn't want any bathroom but wanted to talk to me, not in front of mom. "Mama, we are coming, when we get back, we are going to the mall the day is not getting any younger, you should be ready." She finished.
I followed and stepped out; I tried to fool myself by leading the way to the bathroom whereas I knew she didn't want anything to do with the toilet "This way," as I walked past her, I said.
"What the hell, you lost your virginity just like that, you don't even have two months here, but you have already..." she yelled, in a low volume that only I can hear it. Now I regret why I ever told her my stories. She knows everything about my high school love life and why I chose to be a virgin then. I guess I didn't expect that when you grow older, you will need your privacy. I wouldn't have told her anything back then; now, I have to think about her when deciding my own life.
"I didn't lose anything, I'm still a virgin," I whispered back to her as we walk away from my room.
"Whose condom pack is that then?" she asked.
"Mine, I mean his... But we didn't, I couldn't so I'm still a virgin," I said, what an embarrassing moment.
"Don't lie to me Tshedza, I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex, but not like this. A few days ago you told me you don't have a boyfriend yet, so now you just have sex with every guy you meet?"
"What if I lied and do have a boyfriend, why does it even matter to you, it's my life."
"I know it's your life, but I'm your big sister, you should take it from me..." I cut her.
"You lost your virginity on 9th grade, why are you on my case?" I said to her, angry already regretting why I ever told her any of my stories.
"I don't want you to end up like me. I'm doing this for you. I want you to learn from my mistakes," she said.
"Well I don't, I will experience my own mistakes thank you," I said and then walked back to my room "Is not like I'm 14," I mumbled while walking ahead of her.
We got in my room, while not talking to each other, we got ready for leaving, and my mom could see something was wrong.
"You are still fighting even when you don't stay together? What am I supposed to do with you two?" she asked while we walk toward Tshifhiwa's car, packed on the side of the street.
"We are not fighting mama," Tshifhiwa replied, and we just continued walking, quiet. We got in the car, and my mom went to the back seat.
"Sit with your sister," she said as she gets comfortable at the back. I went to the front seat, and on our way to the mall, we were.
Sunday
The following day, Sunday, I woke up feeling a little bit better compared to Saturday. I haven't talked to Sihle since Friday night. He hasn't even said hi to me on WhatsApp.
I received a message from my big sister.
'Hey, I sent you R800, you will buy those two bags you wanted.' The text read. Yesterday when we went shopping, we were angry at each other, so I ended up buying stuff using the money I got from my mom only. Tshifhiwa didn't buy me anything.
My mom is used to it, us fighting, she knows it doesn't stop, but at least it doesn't last.
I took my phone and called her.
"Hello," she said on the other end of the call.
"Hey, I got your message. Thanks," I said, sitting on the bed.
"Yeah, I saw the way you wanted those bags, sorry I should have given you the money yesterday."
"Thanks, Tshifhiwa. I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday," I said.
"No, you were right, I have to leave you to grow. You are not that little toddler I would bring a lunch box for at primary school," she said, and we both laughed. "You are a big girl now; you can make the right decisions yourself," she finished.
"Yeah, but it doesn't mean I will ever stop taking your advice. I know I have grown, but I will always need you."
"I know, and I will always be here for you, but I have to let you grow. I trust that you will make the right decisions and take care of yourself. And at least you know you have to use a condom, don't ever forget that," she said, and I shyly laughed.
"I didn't do it..."
"No, you don't have to explain to me, I trust you will be safe, that's all that matters."
"Thanks. But just for you to know, I wasn't lying, I'm still a virgin." I said, and I could feel a relief on her voice.
"Oh, okay. You are old now, when it happens, just promise you will cherish the memories, make it memorable and be safe unlike some of us," she said, happily.
When my sister broke her virginity, she got pregnant, and my mom had to take her to do abortion because she was still very young. This is what she was talking about when she told me to learn from her mistakes.
"I will make sure it will be that," I said, wondering who I will make it with.
"Good, I will talk to you later. I have to go."
"Okay bye, love you."
"Love you too. Bye," she said.
After ending our phone call, I was finally okay. Every time we fight, it just leaves an empty hole in me until we reconcile. Now that we talked, the gap is filled, I can be happy.
I checked my phone, Sihle's last seen on WhatsApp was yesterday. I don't know if he's around, but I must see him today. I worked on some of my school work almost the entire day; when it was passing 7, I went to shower just to feel fresh before visiting him.
It was passing 8 when I found myself knocking at his door. I was wearing my shorts but not very short and a vest. The door opened and behind it was him, like he just woke up. He stood there and looked at me like he is angry at me, and I just stared at him, waiting for him to invite me in.
"I'm sorry I left without saying bye on Friday night," those were the first words that pushed to come out from my mouth after the moment of silence and staring at each other.
"I came back with a glass of ice cause that's what I thought you needed to cool down. But when I walked to the dance floor to find you, you were not there. I had to hear it from Karabo that you left with some big ass dude. Do you know how embarrassing that was?" he asked while we still just stand at the door. I feel so embarrassed. I don't know why I got carried away and left with Henson, that was heartless of me.
"I'm sorry Sihle, I was drunk I didn't know what I was doing I just wanted to rest," I said, still standing on his door frame.
"Funny how you knew what you were doing until that guy arrived," he said, does he mean because I didn't kiss him, I knew what I was doing.
"So that's all you care, who I left with. You know, I was drunk you should not have wandered far away from me. I looked everywhere for you to tell you I was leaving, but I couldn't find you," I was a little bit angry because he was acting all jealous. And well, angry might just be the only thing that will make me win him back because I didn't have any valid excuse for what I did.
"You didn't look enough," he said, walking in and me following him in his room. I closed the door behind me.
"Sihle I was just tired that's why I left," I said, sitting on the chair facing him who was sitting on his bed.
"You could have told me that, I would have made sure you get home whenever you wanted," he said, resting his head on a pillow.
"Karabo didn't seem like he wanted to leave anytime," I pointed out.
"We didn't need Karabo. I would have asked a cab for us, just for you. You think I didn't think you might be tired, but I was just waiting for you to tell me,"
"You could have told me that we didn't need Karabo," I said, walking toward his bed. What the hell am I doing, go back to the chair Tshedza, go back now.
"So yesterday I stayed in thinking you will come to check on me. But you didn't so I figured your big friend might still..."
"Stop right there. Just stop. Henson just drove me, he didn't even get in, and yesterday I spent the whole day with my mom and sister," I said, already sitting down on the chair. I can't be next to him.
"He didn't come in?" he asked, with a relief on his voice.
"And again, that's all you care about," I said, walking toward the door.
"What do you want me to care about, that you hurt me, left me?" he asked, walking toward the door too.
"Bye Sihle," I said and closed the door. I walked toward the elevator, hoping he will follow me, but he didn't. What have I done, I don't want to fight with Sihle. I want to chill with him and talk like we did before. I felt a tear rolling down my cheek when I entered my room. Am I crying? I took my phone and called Zinzi.
"Yes, you are a bitch," she said after I have told her everything.
"Why didn't you stop me from leaving with Henson on Friday?" I asked her.
"I thought you talked to Sihle first, and I was tired; I needed to go too," she said.
"Sihle said he would have had requested a cab for us. I feel stupid; I think I hurt him."
"Babe you think, you hurt him," she said, and I could hear her gum chewing.
"So how do I fix it?" I asked her.
Zinzi told me how to fix it, and in a minute, I was already starting to do it. I walked back to Sihle's room. I knocked at his door, and he opened, a little bit surprised.
Before he could say anything, I placed my lips on his and kissed him; he was surprised but happy I could sense it. We kissed standing on the door and in a minute, he pulled me in and closed the door behind us.
He put me on his bed and climb on top of me still kissing me. He took off my vest, but when he was about to take off my shorts, I stopped him.
"Let's not take off our clothes," I said, as I put back my vest. I don't know where that came from, but I just couldn't have sex with Sihle right away, I needed him to know I was a virgin.
"Why? I wasn't going to do anything," he asked, surprised but still trying to reach for my boob.
"I'm not comfortable," I responded, it was the truth, I wasn't ready to lose my precious virginity.
"Oh, okay. If you say so," he said and wore his shirt too, like he was misled. He continued kissing me a bit even after we both could see the mood was dead.
At some point, we stopped kissing because I couldn't continue, I could see he was no longer happy because of how I killed all the vibe I brought the moment he opened the door for me. He got off my flat stomach, which was now unbreathable because of his little weight on top of me. It is so funny how heavy a person is when they are on top of you, and how you could hardly feel it when they are on top of you but kissing you and stuff.
The moment he got off I managed to breathe and cover for all that time he was on top of me trying to keep the vibe going. I lay there not knowing what to do or say, but I just ended up with my leg on top of his body, trying to show him I still want him, not just now.
Luckily, he caught up with my moves faster, and he pulled me closer to his small chest and wrap me to him like a little kid.
"Why did you refuse to kiss me on Friday?" out of the blue, beneath his beating chest, I hear him asked.
"I didn't wanna lose you as a friend yet," I responded, playing with his fingers.
"Come on; you were never going to lose me as a friend. Being my girlfriend doesn't mean I can't be your friend," he said, did he just say, girlfriend?
"Girlfriend?" I asked; I have never been referred to as a girlfriend before, my high school boyfriend used to call me babe, but he would refer me as hot stuff. God how stupid I was, now that I think of it, I don't regret not giving him my cookie. And I allowed him to call me hot stuff when talking to his friends; I guess I was a child and immature back then. But girlfriend, this is new, this is new, and I like it.
Sihle nodded after I asked and continued "What do you think?" he asked.
"I like it," I responded, smiling, and he kissed me. I have a boyfriend; I turned a guy friend into a boyfriend, shit. I thought
We lay there just holding each other, no words, just hearing each other's breath. Every second I'm breathing, I'm falling in love with him more. I liked that I couldn't even think of the mystery guy anymore, dude ran away from me in the middle of the night, why should I think of him.
"Can you sleep here tonight?" he asked, while we interlock our fingers together like they were made for each other.
"Yes," I responded without putting too much thought into it. "What about your roommate?" I asked him after realising he doesn't stay alone.
"He's coming back tomorrow," he said, but he was already happy that I have already said yes.
"Okay, I guess I can sleep here tonight," I confirmed, and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.
I have never spent a night with a guy before, I almost did with Henson, but he took off. I'm glad is Sihle I am doing it for the first time with. I didn't realise it before, but I think I like him. I hope it's a good thing.
"I'm still a virgin," I felt myself out of the blue said. I just wanted him to know why I was not comfortable when he was stripping my clothes off. I hope he doesn't run like what Henson did, but obviously, he would not.
"What, that's why you don't want to do it tonight?" he asked, already sitting up and looking at me like a treasure he has finally found after digging for years.
"I'm just not ready yet, but is you I want to do it with, just not tonight," I said, and he kissed me, tickling me and I found myself laughing like hell. He stopped when he could hear I was running out of oxygen by laughing and he just kissed me many times on my forehead.
"Don't worry, when you are ready, I will make sure you have a good time," he said, holding my almost chubby cheeks. "Wow, I can't believe this, I am the luckiest guy in the world," he said, already bragging and I hit him on his shoulder while we both laugh.