p o v : k a t i e .
p l a y l i s t .
₀:₃₀◦──o───────◦ ₃:₁₅
▹burned out : dodie
▹no light, no light - mtv unplugged, 2012 : florence + the machine
▹the end of all things : panic! at the disco
。。。
If you looked in a mirror and saw someone you didn't know, how would you react?
Would you realize the progress that reflection had made since you'd last seen it, see how much it had grown? Or would you be scared because you didn't recognize the face staring back at you?
I fell somewhere in between as I prepared myself to leave the Demeter cabin for the last time that year.
The girl looking me in the eyes was somewhat familiar. Her hair was in double french braids and her skin was sunburned from picking strawberries, and that was a normal comfort. But what else I saw in the mirror was a girl who'd worked so hard to stitch herself back together, to ground herself in an unconstrained territory, and was now being ripped to shreds.
I'd changed so much in the past year or so. I had tried tirelessly to be in a state of mental well-being, and to open my heart to people. Natalie had told me I looked happier, not just because I was with Travis but because I was more with myself. I trusted myself to talk about my feelings, I trusted myself to trust others.
Now, I doubted everything.
I wouldn't be back in my cabin until next June. That was eight months away. Eight long, miserable months of not recognizing my reflection, eight months of fearing that I'd lose my familiar face for good.
Travis had left earlier that morning, after an attempt of comforting me. In reality, it made me miss him more than I already anticipated. I hadn't even left yet.
I'd fought so hard, and now everything slipped from my grasp as if I hadn't tried at all.
The only consolation I had was that I wasn't a huge target for attacks. Monsters didn't find me as easily as a child of the Big Three, and I'd only truly ever experienced one fight in my regular life. The reason I'd become a full-time camper was that my anxiety peaked when I was in school, and it got even worse as time went on. I'd signed myself up and committed to the idea of never going home.
My home was at camp.
"You ready?" Miranda poked her head in our room, where my bed was now stripped of its sheets. In their place now resided my bags, calling me to the swift change.
I sat next to my duffle, shaking my head. "You really have to ask?"
Her face softened as she joined me on my empty mattress. She didn't say anything, but she slung an arm over my shoulder and hugged me briefly.
I was going to miss her.
"You'll make it through this," she murmured, moving to look me in the eyes.
I shrugged. "I guess."
"And it's only a school year. You've been through eleven of them, how could this one be any different?"
That wasn't the most comforting thing she could've told me, but I smiled as if it was.
I'd be doing a lot of fake smiling within the next year.
Natalie, Annabeth, and Piper sat with us at lunch. Chiron turned a blind eye, most likely due to my miserable appearance and Natalie's threatening plea. I pulled myself deeper into my hoodie - rather, the first hoodie of Travis' that he'd given me - and listened to their conversation.
I couldn't talk, though.
I could only think.
Overthinking, as it turned out, I was a pro at.
Annabeth tried to show me the logical upsides: finishing school meant I could be financially unattached to my family; I could open up other possibilities like college; I could major in botany and minor in business; I could start working towards the flower shop I'd always wanted to run.
Piper said she and Natalie would drive up to New Hampshire if anyone bothered me. That was funny to me, because I didn't remember a time in New Hampshire where people didn't bother me.
Miranda offered what little encouragement there could've been - that I could always look forward to the summer reunions being better than ever, and that I could always Iris Message them any time.
I gave myself the opposite of well-wishing by telling myself that none of it would make the situation less bleak.
"Let's finish up getting you packed," Miranda offered, taking my arm to help me up, but I pulled away.
Pulling away was yet another thing I'd mastered.
"I'm already done." Examining the hardly-touched plate in front of me with distaste, I tapped my fingers on the table. "Everything's at the Big House."
Piper shifted on the bench as two of my siblings left for the strawberry fields. She watched intently as they cast sad glances at me, and when they left, she said, "We're all really gonna miss you, Katie."
Natalie nodded. "Especially us."
"Especially especially me."
Travis.
I gripped the lip of my plate and carried it with me as I turned to look at my boyfriend. My boyfriend, who'd fought so hard to break past my walls, who told me I didn't need fixing because I wasn't broken, who was now going to help me pick up the pieces after I'd been torn apart. Because, unlike he'd stated so often, I was indeed a very broken person.
My heart may not have been made of glass, but it was awfully close to shattering as I stared at the sorrow in his eyes.
"Care to go to the woods with me?" He extended his hand, even though mine were both currently occupied with my unfinished plate.
I glanced at my friends, who all nodded and shooed me on. I smiled at them, grateful for their support and care. Travis took the plate from my hands and, though he inspected the food and frowned, didn't say anything about me not eating it. He tossed it away and gently tugged my arm to the forest.
We'd spent so much time in the woods together, and it seemed only fitting that our last outing of the summer was there. The mossy floor padded our steps as we made our way to Zeus' Fist, and we walked slower to admire the calm around us.
The trees didn't have to leave for school. The rocks didn't have to return to a place they'd just as soon forget. The leaves fell from great heights to the ground underneath them, but they got to stay there.
I was falling, but it was into a completely different life.
"School starts two days from now," I commented, absently tugging at my braid.
Travis pursed his lips and stopped me from walking. We were halfway to Zeus' Fist but he drew me back to him. Time rolled to a stop as his hand wandered to cup my cheek, the other finding its way between my shoulder blades. His fingers played with the hood hanging down my back.
In the forest, Travis' eyes always had a hint of green in them as if they reflected the world around them. They became the patchy grass, the teal versions of the treeline.
I now knew why I loved the forest so much.
"I know this will be hard, but you've gotta be strong." He guided my face up, though I was already looking at him. "For you. You've proven yourself so many times here, and now you're just exercising that skill elsewhere. You've got this."
A pang of doubt hit me, as it had been for the past week. But something in his face, in his eyes, told me that he believed in his words wholeheartedly. I couldn't have argued with him when he spoke so genuinely.
I had to believe it, for my sake.
"I love you," was the reply that seemingly fit.
When I said it, his eyebrows upturned and he smiled with concern. His arms spread out, welcoming and needy. I stepped into them as easily as I could've taken another step into the woods. But instead of wandering deeper into nature, I wandered deeper into his embrace.
He smelled of lemons and of trickery, and he felt like comfort. I didn't know how I'd survive the year without his hugs.
"Hey, Katie?"
Connor's voice broke through our moment just like the week prior, when the news first came. I squeezed my eyes shut to engorge myself with as much of Travis' hug as I could before Connor approached us, and then I leaned away.
Travis' younger brother was the spitting image of him, and he carried the same sad eyes in the moment. He pinched his lips into a thin line before mumbling, "Your brother's here."
Though I'd separated myself from Travis' arms, I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.
It was time.
The Big House stood tall, superior to all my problems and uncaring about my situation. For the first time, I saw the building as harsh and grayed. I was a small being compared to it, I was insignificant to its agenda.
I was leaving its presence behind, unblinking.
Ben sat on one of the couches and stood the second Travis opened the door for me. I hadn't seen him since the last family reunion, and he'd grown a slight beard since. A flush of happiness hit me as he hugged me, but I couldn't push out why he was there.
"I'm sorry," he said.
He was taking me.
"I'll get the bags," Travis insisted, moving to shoulder my duffle and tote.
I picked up the spider plant that I'd put on the windowsill, and Ben raised an eyebrow.
"I don't trust anyone here to remember to water it," I joked, but I really just needed a plant to be with me. If anything would bring me small amounts of joy while in New Hampshire, it would've been my curly spider plant.
I followed Travis so closely that our shoulders brushed every time either of us stepped. The world's motions became like if we were underwater - foggy, slow, clouded. I thought the decline of the hill as we exited camp signified the decline of my mental state, and I told myself not to be dramatic.
Ben's car sat on the dirt road, ready to steal me from my entire livelihood. Everything I knew was wasted, crumbled. Everything I'd worked for was deteriorated.
I wasn't going to get through this.
"Trav?"
As my brother walked to the driver's side, I gripped Travis' hand. My other hand fumbled into the pocket of my duffle bag, and he looked at me questioningly.
"You might want these," I offered, digging out my car keys.
His eyes narrowed with suspicion, but he didn't say a word as he waited for an explanation.
"So you don't have to hotwire a car to visit."
Travis' lips twitched up for a split second before shaking his head. "You trust me to drive your car?"
"No. But I want you there more than I don't want you driving my car."
This time, he tilted his head back and laughed. Enveloping his hand in mine, he took the keys reluctantly. "Are you sure you don't need it?"
I shrugged, trying my best to file that laugh in my memory. "Ben's driving me home. Obviously, Dad doesn't think I'll be able to mentally handle driving myself around."
It may have been true.
My boyfriend - my amazing, understanding boyfriend - leaned down to kiss me chastely before he ensured I made eye contact with him. "I'm gonna visit as much as I can without Chiron killing me. I bet I can guilt-trip him enough to let me go."
I forced a smile onto my face and nodded. Words escaped my mind, but he I was sure he got the message when I gripped the color of his shirt and pulled him in for another kiss.
A melancholy sigh escaped him as he held me securely, like he was trying to keep me from falling apart. My hands shook as I ran them through his hair and eased back to break the kiss.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"It's not your fault," he reminded me, and opened the passenger door hesitantly for me. "I will Iris Message you every five minutes to make sure you're okay."
I grinned, but it was for naught.
It was all ending.
"Until then, love." He traced his hand down my face one last time before I ducked into the car.
The familiar leather seats made my stomach clench, but I clicked the seat belt's buckle and watched Travis close the car door. He jingled my car keys to show me again that he'd use them.
I prayed to Demeter that he'd use them often.
This was either goodbye for now, or goodbye forever.
My home disappeared into the background, growing smaller in the sideview mirror. Ben had my favorite music playing, but I hardly noticed. The increasing worry of the next year overpowered every other sense, every other thought. I vaguely recognized him trying to talk to me, but I couldn't make myself listen enough to reply. All I could think about was leaving.
It didn't matter that my thoughts scattered in the wind, or that I didn't know if I remembered algebra enough to get by. All that mattered was that I was leaving.
I was gone.