AYUSHMANN
"It's been a long day,
Without you my friend.
And I'll tell you all about it,
When I see you again..."
The music player went on as I unbuttoned my white shirt and tossed it off into the laundry basket with an exhausted sigh. My body ached from all the hours I have been engaged in the meetings, discussion panels, shootings and recordings since the past two months. I'm kinda thankful to this excruciating pain which at least helps undermine the real scars which still remain unhealed.
Running my hands through my hair, I glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked tired and defeated. No matter how many hours I add up to my already-busy schedules, there always comes the hours of the night when I have to face her memories again. The time of the night when everybody's dreaming asleep while I'm awake, reminiscing over her voice, her smile and her eyes.
I heard Apar's faint voice reach me through the closed door of my bedroom. He was calling me for dinner and was explaining how it was past midnight now and that I should have something. Just like always, I turned the volume of the music player higher, making Charlie Puth's already-loud voice skyrocket to resemble noise to roughly gesture that I was in no mood to interact. I heard Apar's footsteps fade away as he walked off with a sigh and turned back to look at the Mumbai cityscape through the glass panelled windows. It was a peaceful night in contrast to the chaos inside me.
I felt the urge to open that blue parcel; the very parcel which Aarav had left for me in the security guard's booth next to my apartment today morning. The guard told me that he had left a phone as well and when I received that black Samsung handset, a nostalgic feeling encountered me as I realized it was her phone.
Since the day she left me, I haven't uttered her name. It's like I have forbidden myself from speaking of her. I feel at fault for what happened to her. What if I wouldn't have declined the doctors from operating that day? What if I hadn't acted all confident and talked to Veer to operate instead which further delayed the urgent surgery? What if I'd have let the medics help save her?
I'm the only one at fault.
I caused her death.
Tears blurred my vision like every other night and I let the pain and guilt invade me. I let my consciousness blame me to no limits. I cussed myself to no ends.
Sighing, I picked her phone up and reread that draft email for the umpteenth time as I roughly rubbed the tears off to regain some vision.
To the dearest guy who made my life worth a shot,
Open that blue parcel I have placed underneath my bed. I hope you smile up at me by the time you finish reading the crap I've prepared... :)
"Only you can underestimate your talented hand," I remarked silently as I placed the handset away on the bed and averted my eyes to that blue box placed next to the bed.
Taking a deep breath, I reached out for it with anxious hands and settled down. Placing the box on my lap, I traced my fingers over the finely wrapped parcel as if trying to associate it to her memories. Opening the box, it revealed a cleanly folded note. Picking it up, I unfolded it to let out a dejected sigh as her slanted, cursive handwriting lay in front of me to be read.
--------------------------------
I don't know if
I'll wake up again.
Can't say whether for me,
A new day would begin.
Life truly is never gonna
Pass me a second chance.
But promise me that after I'm gone,
You'll still merrily sing and dance.
Don't you dare
Mourn or cry.
For I'll always be there,
Glancing down at you from the sky.
Smile if my memories
Ever cross your mind.
Just take a deep breath and close your eyes,
My eternal presence is what you will find.
In all of my twenty-one years, never had I expected to cross paths with you, AK. You were like the moon to me. I always admired it from a distance, knowing the fact that I'll never be able to touch it. Yet, you proved me wrong.
I really don't know what drew us close but whatever it was, I'm not exactly happy about it. I mean initially I was until...this happened. And no matter how much I tell myself to keep hopes up, deep down I feel otherwise.
The past few days have been so much fun for literally every one of us. Stalking over my wishes did prove to be a great distraction from the turmoil I have been facing. With every wish being fulfilled one after the other, I have this feeling that I am running out of time to speak, to express...to stay.
AK with every passing day the intuitions are growing stronger and I can't really say how long I'll be there physically. The way you've grown a certain fondness towards this relationship that we share is something I too feel; but I'm afraid to admit it because I know that this illusion that I'm dwelling in can't remain existent forever.
And you need to accept this. Please, if not for yourself then at least for me.
I know I never said the words out-loud but trust me, I always wanted to but reality made me refrain from doing so. Now that there's no time left in my hands and now that you're reading this...
I love you, Ayushmann. I do. Forever.
There, I said- no, I wrote it for you to read. Gosh, it's so difficult not to feel frustrated that I can't witness you smile while reading this. I mean...You're smiling, right? Please tell me that you are.
And yeah, don't you DARE be all mellow over my absence and turn into an alcoholic or a workaholic or whatsoever heartbroken guys turn into. I won't be happy to find you that way. And yep, I'm glaring at you now from up there because you're NOT smiling! Come on, show me that lopsided grin now.
Are you even listening to me AK? I said smile! Um...okay, just say the word "Cheese!" while stretching out on the 'e' for a while. That should do the trick.
Do tell me a joke when I cross your mind anytime. I'll be ready to laugh with you.
Keep smiling,
Promise me that you will move on. Don't stay stuck over me, I'm not worthy of that. :)
Love,
Tanya.
_________________________________
"...When I'll see you again." Charlie ended the song on the music player, followed by silence. It wasn't a suffocating silence but a peaceful one; a kind which washed relief over me.
Taking a deep breath, I folded the letter and placed it back into the box.
"Love you more, Tanya." I whispered and raised my eyes to look at the dark skies outside the windows. Making an effort, I upturned my lips and passed the skies a warm smile as I rubbed the last stray tear off.
"Hey Apar, what's there for dinner tonight?" I asked as I placed the parcel on the desk and headed out of the room as I slipped into a comfortable hoodie, feeling her smile at me all the while.
Author's Note:-
Hey peeps! How was Tanya's letter?
One last chapter left to end YSAH. Scroll ahead!