She was sleeping. Or at least, pretending to be. Stefan knew he couldn't sleep and was trying hard to fight the pain medication he didn't want to take. Stefan stared into the dark room, mentally battling with himself on whether or not to go inside her room and try and talk to her. He had calmed down considerably, though he knew if the chance arose, he would become angry again.
So he crept inside as quietly as he could, making his way to the bed she was sleeping in, or pretending to be. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was steady. Maybe she really was asleep.
He decided not to wake her and slowly turned to leave. But something on the end of her desk caught his attention. A small stack of paper. He reached for it and grabbed ahold of the paper before leaving. Once he was out of her room and had light to see, he found his name on one of the papers, followed by Lily's, Bonnie's, and Jeremy's on the others. Stefan walked back downstairs, needing a glass of water.
He sighed as he sat down at the counter, tossing the other three letters aside and opening the one addressed to him. He glanced over the writing briefly but tore his eyes away. He was not sure that he wanted to read it. He set it aside and stood up. Maybe he should try and sleep.
He made it three steps before turning around and going back to the counter. He had to read it. He needed to know what she was thinking. Stefan opened the paper and read.
Stefan,
I know the words I write will never be enough to explain why I had to leave, but I knew that if I had to look into your eyes and tell you, I would never be able walk out the door. But I have to go and I hope one day, you can understand my reasoning. You have been far more amazing to me than I deserve. I'll leave it up to you to file for divorce after the six months are up so you can still collect your inheritance. I want to keep my end of the deal. Don't worry about keeping your end of it. Just tell everyone that I abandoned you which is essentially what I am doing.
You deserve a life full of happiness and without all of my problems. I'm sorry for bringing them into your life. Please give the other letters I have written to Lily, my brother, and Bonnie.
I don't expect you to forgive me, but please know that I only want to keep you and your family safe.
Elena.
P.S. Do not come looking for me.
One tear dropped onto the letter he was still holding. Then another one. The ink began to blur and Stefan crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it on the counter. Her selflessness frustrated him beyond words. But as he paced the kitchen, it began to dawn on him. They were both trying to keep each other safe. And they were both angry with each other for it.
Stefan sighed. He needed to talk to Elena, but he needed sleep first. He shut the kitchen light off and climbed the stairs again. He stopped when he reached her room, desperately wanting to go inside again and this time, crawl in bed with her. Hold her. Kiss her. Whisper that he was sorry.
But he stopped himself. She needed her space. So he continued walking until he was in his room, in his bed, still wishing he was in hers.
XXXXXXXXXXX
Stefan's shoulder was stinging from an annoying, dull pain as he popped a pill in his mouth and swallowed. It was almost two in the afternoon and he still hadn't seen Elena. He had checked on her a few times to make sure she was still there. But she hadn't gotten out of bed and he was beginning to wonder if she would.
But his thoughts were disrupted when he heard his front door open and small, yet loud and fast footsteps could be heard coming his way. "Uncle Stefan!" Lily yelled out, her feet moving faster when she saw him. She was in his arms before he knew it and although his shoulder hurt, it was worth it. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Katherine was not far behind Lily and when Stefan spotted her, she didn't look particularly happy. But then again, when was she ever happy. "Yeah, I'm okay" Stefan told Lily, setting her down.
"Lily, be a doll and go and get me a bottle of water from the kitchen" Katherine told her and Lily was all too happy to comply as she ran out of the room. Katherine took this time to walk towards Stefan and when she hit his good shoulder hard, he winced and looked at her in shock that she would actually hit him while he was injured. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked. "I didn't tell you about Elena leaving for you to go and almost get yourself shot!" she said angrily.
Stefan rubbed the shoulder she hit. "What else was I supposed to do?" he asked Katherine, glaring at her.
"You should have brought me along" she told him pointedly. "You can't do anything right" she said, taking a seat on the couch. Stefan glared at her again. "Where's Elena?" she asked.
"Upstairs" Stefan said, keeping his answer vague. "You should probably take Lily home though. I don't think Elena really wants the company right now" he said.
"Tough" Katherine replied. "Damon is out and I have errands to run. Which means you are babysitting" she said, standing. "I'll be late, so you can keep her overnight. Make sure she gets to school tomorrow by 8:30" Katherine said as she walked away. "Her bag is by the door!" she called out before walking out the door.
Stefan groaned. He loved Lily, but right now was not the best time for her to be over. She came running back out looking for her mom. Stefan smiled at her. "You're going to stay with me tonight" he told her.
"And Elena" Lily corrected.
Stefan shook his head. "Elena's not feeling very well, so we have to let her be so she can rest, okay?" he asked Lily.
"Does she got a cold?" Lily asked, crawling up on the couch. Stefan came and sat beside her.
"No, she's just sad right now and needs some time to herself" Stefan told her. "So why don't you go color in my office for a little while and then we'll order pizza" he suggested.
Lily nodded. "Okay" she said, getting back down off of the couch. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, looking at the bandage on his shoulder.
Stefan did his best to give her a reassuring smile. "I'm sure" he told her, pulling her in for a hug as he kissed the top of her head. "Go color" he told her, giving her a small push in the right direction. He watched her run off. Then he grabbed the remote and got comfortable on the couch watching something on the History Channel.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Lily colored for all of about five minutes before getting bored. She grabbed one of her books that she had stuffed behind the shelf in Stefan's office and wandered upstairs. It was quiet when she entered Elena's room. It was dark too, which Lily did not particularly like.
She quietly walked towards Elena's bed to investigate. Elena had the covers pulled over her head. "Elena?" Lily asked, standing there patiently. Nothing. Lily grabbed the edge of the comforter and crawled into the bed. She came face to face with Elena. "Elena" Lily said again.
Elena opened her eyes and sighed heavily. She hadn't been sleeping, though she had hoped that Lily would give up and leave. Elena just was not in the mood to be around anyone right now. "Hey" Elena said softly, pulling the covers off of them and reaching over to turn the lamp on.
Lily smiled brightly. "Hi Elena" Lily said, studying her carefully. "Uncle Stefan says you are sad" she said, her little eyes suddenly filling with worry.
Elena smiled sadly. "I am sad" she said, seeing no reason to lie to Lily and make her think everything was alright. Because it wasn't.
"When I'm sad, Uncle Stefan always makes me feel better" Lily told her. "He can make you feel better too" she assured her.
"I think I have to figure out how to make myself feel better this time" Elena told her, pushing Lily's hair out of her face. "But I'm glad your Uncle Stefan can always make you feel better" she told her.
"I can make you feel better" Lily stated. She held her book up for Elena to see. "I practiced so I could read to you" she said, scooting closer to Elena and flipping open the book.
Before Elena could protest, Lily began reading. She was doing so well that Elena couldn't find it in her heart to stop her. So, she sat back, wrapped her arms around her, and followed along with her.
XXXXXXXXXXX
Lily was sleeping soundly 20 minutes later. Elena carefully grabbed the book from Lily's hands and then quietly snuck out of the bed to go downstairs for a glass of water. When she rounded the bottom of the stairs, Stefan looked up from the couch, surprised to see her. Elena looked caught off guard as well. "I'm just getting water" she said quickly. Stefan stood and when she saw his bandaged shoulder, she quickly looked away.
"Lily and I were going to order pizza for dinner tonight. She's staying over" he said. Elena only nodded, still not looking at him.
"She's asleep in my bed" Elena told him. "You should probably go and get her. She won't sleep through the night if she sleeps much longer."
It was Stefan's turn to nod. "I'm sorry if she was bothering you. I sent her to my office to color" he explained.
"She wasn't bothering me" Elena told him, feeling uncomfortable with standing with him.
Stefan nodded again. "Can we talk?" he asked.
Elena shifted her weight uncomfortably. "There's really nothing to talk about" she told him. "I'm going to get my water" she said, heading for the kitchen.
"Elena" Stefan said as he followed her. "Elena, talk to me" he said, reaching out and grabbing her hand to stop her.
But she pulled her hand away, turning around to face him and running her hand through her hair. "Jesus, Stefan. What do you want to talk about?" she asked, already becoming far more upset than she wanted him to see. "You almost got yourself killed. What am I supposed to do with that?" she asked, letting her tears slip down her face freely. She was exhausted and emotional which was not a good combination for her.
"What was I supposed to do after you left?" he asked her, his tone challenging but his eyes full of pain and worry.
"You were supposed to enjoy your 12 million dollars" Elena said, her voice full of surrender. She was tired and it was an easy way out on her part, throwing that in his face.
He took the bait though and his eyes flashed with anger. "Screw the money Elena!" he yelled. "You think that's all I care about?" he asked her.
Elena scoffed at that question. "I don't know what to think anymore" she told him.
"I read your letter" he told her. "I really liked that last part about me not looking for you" he said, his anger still present. Elena attempted to walk away from him again, but he grabbed her arm to stop her. He pulled her close so they were face to face and he could look her in her eyes. "I wouldn't have stopped until I found you" he told her, his eyes burning into hers. "Every second of every day would have been spent looking for you" he promised her.
Elena forced herself to let out a shaky breath that she had been holding ever since he had pulled her so close. "I was trying to protect you" she said, her voice filled with neither anger nor sadness anymore. Just honestly. Something he could relate with.
"And I was trying to protect you too" he said, his voice softer this time and filled with less anger and frustration.
"I was so stupid" she said, lost in his eyes and simply speaking because she knew the only other thing to do would be to kiss him.
Stefan leaned in closer to her if that was at all possible. "We both were" he said quietly, assessing their close proximity and deciding to just go for it. His lips met hers before she had time to react. Stefan was pretty sure he could melt into her if it were possible. He had missed her so much.
But Elena turned her head, breaking the kiss. "We can't, Stefan" she said quietly. "We agreed to go back to our original deal" she reminded.
Stefan felt his heart ache. He rested his head against hers and nodded. "I'm sorry" he whispered, kissing her hair.
Elena nodded as well. "I'm sorry too" she whispered back. "I'm glad you're okay" she said, pulling away from him. "I should get some reading done for school" she told him.
"Okay" he said, not really sure what else he could do at this very moment.
"Uncle Stefan" a quiet, sleepy voice came from behind them. Both turned to see Lily rubbing her eyes. "I'm hungry" she said.
"I'm calling the pizza place right now" he said, smiling at her.
"I'll be upstairs reading" Elena said, seeing the perfect opportunity to get away.
"I'll help you!" Lily said, suddenly more awake now.
"No, Lil, you stay down here with me and let Elena do her homework" Stefan told Lily.
"It's okay" Elena assured him. "Maybe she can help me make sense of all those terms" Elena added.
"I can read the whole book for you!" Lily said excitedly as she grabbed Elena's hand and tugged her along. She looked back at her uncle briefly. "Don't forget the breadsticks Uncle Stefan!" she called out.
"I know" Stefan replied, going in search for his phone to call. He still wanted to talk with Elena. At some point.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Dinner was going better than Elena thought it would. Stefan kept the conversation light and directed it mostly towards Lily who was all too happy to chat about anything Stefan brought up. "But I don't wanna let it go" Lily said, taking another bite of her pizza.
"Lily, you can't keep the caterpillar in a jar. It will die" he explained to her as gently as possible.
"I can too!" she stated. "He's my pet and I already named him."
Stefan sighed. "What did you name him?" he asked.
"Fuzzy" Lily smiled. "And I'm going to take him for walks and feed him leafs" she added.
Elena couldn't help but smile at the little girl's enthusiasm. Stefan's eyes locked with Elena's and she quickly looked away, her smile fading. "Maybe you can let Fuzzy go in your garden" Elena suggested.
"But what if he gets cold outside?" Lily asked, concern covering her face. "Oooh, maybe I can buy him a jacket!" she smiled.
Stefan shot Elena a disbelieving look. One that made Elena start to laugh, despite her efforts to distance herself from him. But Stefan let Lily's comment about the jacket for the caterpillar go. He checked his watch. "You have to get your bath and then get to bed" he told Lily.
"But I'm not tired" she shrugged.
"Oh yes you are" Stefan assured her.
"Oh no I'm not" Lily disagreed.
Stefan stood from the table and grabbed Lily, throwing her over his good shoulder. "Are too" he said, walking out of the room and up the stairs with her.
"Are not!" Lily shouted.
Elena could hear them continue their disagreement for some time until she finally got up from the table and took care of the dishes. It was normalcy and she liked it.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Elena was standing out in the middle of the driveway later that night when Stefan found her. She heard him open and close the door and then the gravel crunch beneath his feet. He stopped a few feet back, unsure if she wanted to be alone or not. "It's the first time I've stepped outside without wondering if he was going to show up" she said, pulling her sweater around her tighter as she stared up at the clouded sky. "Do you think it's going to snow tonight?" she asked, effortlessly changing the subject.
Stefan took a few more steps and ended up beside her, looking up at the same clouded sky. "He got off easy" Stefan said calmly. "Death was too kind for what he did to you."
"Maybe" Elena said, continuing to look up at the sky. A comfortable silence fell upon them as they continued to look upwards. The cold air was moving in.
"I think it will snow tonight" Stefan said, finally breaking the silence and answering her question. "Not much. Maybe an inch or two." He turned to go back inside, not being able to stand so close to her and yet have to be so far from her.
Elena closed her eyes as she listened to his footsteps go farther and farther from her. "It was a lot easier when I hated you" Elena said. Stefan stopped. "I never wondered what it would be like to really be married to you or be really in love with you. I never would have told you about my past and you would have never gotten involved" she said, her voice cracking some as she revealed how much she was hurting. "And in a few months, I would be able to walk out that door without wanting to stay" she added, wiping at a stray tear that fell silently down her face. "I just wish that I still hated you" she concluded, realizing that was all she needed to say. Because he understood.
Stefan walked back towards her, standing just behind her, almost touching her shoulder with his. "If that will make it easier ..." he began, finding that his own voice was starting to catch in his throat. "Then go back to hating me" he told her. As much as it pained him to think that she could hate him, he wanted to make all of this easier on her.
Elena wiped at a few more tears as she shook her head. "I can't. After everything you have done for me, I can't hate you" she told him sadly. "But I can't love you anymore either. And it hurts me so much when I look at you and I know that I can't stay with you forever. That we can't be happy" she said, fighting back more tears and the urge to cry harder. Her statement hit Stefan hard and he felt like his heart had been torn out by the realization of it all. They wouldn't be together forever. They would go their separate ways in a few months and they would move on with other people.
Stefan knew it was selfish, but he didn't want her to be happy with someone else. He couldn't quite tell her that, but he felt it strongly. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you really want" he said quietly. Commitment. He couldn't give her that. Stefan grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him. He died a little more that moment when he was forced to look at her sad brown eyes and the tears that were falling from them. "But I will always, always be here for you" he promised her, searching her eyes to make sure that she understood that. That she believed him.
If she was crying before, she was nearly sobbing by this point as she fell forward into him, burying her face and trying to hide her tears. He held her there for a little while, resting his head against hers while rubbing her back in a soothing manner. He hated that she was crying. That she was sad. But, he reminded himself, this is the way it had to be.