I make it through the ceremonies the same way I make it through the nights. By keeping Peeta close to me. Honestly I barely let go of his hand the whole trip. Sometimes I become conscious of how reliant I've become on him and feel stupid and childish but, then some drunk dinner guest will stumble over to us and squeal about how cute we are together and how much they loved watching us fall in love during the Games and I begin to question if it is dependency or if it really is love.
I've never loved anyone other than Prim, my father, my mother and...Gale? Do I love Gale? Yes, of course I do. But do I love him the way I love Peeta? I think about how I'm with when I'm with Gale, he does make me feel safe. But is it the same kind of safe that Peeta makes me feel. No. I feel safe with Gale because he's my partner. He's always been my partner. I know he will help me provide for Prim and thats what makes me feel safe around him. I know he cares as fiercely for my family as I do. But Peeta, well, he makes me feel safe on a whole different level. Just being near him brings me a kind of peace that settles over my body like rain falling onto my skin. It's not that he lulls me into a feeling of complete security, living in Panem could never offer such a feeling, but he dulls all the pain. He's like my own personal supply of morphling.
Peeta guides me off of the stage and back onto the train. We've just finished our speech in District 1 which means we only have one stop left, the Capitol. Going back fills me with dread. The nightmares have started to intensify and are coming more frequently - they're not scared of me using Peeta as a human shield anymore. Sometimes I don't sleep for more than ten minutes at a time. Cinna is having to pile more and more concealer onto my under-eyes everyday and I can see the worry in everyones faces as they look at me. Even Haymitch has started to address me with a gentler tone, thats how I know its getting bad. Peeta is suffering as well, he doesn't even wait for the nightmares to come before interlocking our fingers under the covers. Like I said, I've barely let go of his hand the whole trip.
"Are we all ready for our last dinner in the Districts!" Effie is as chirpy as ever. She's the only one of us that can't wait to reach the Capitol.
Haymitch leans over her to grab a roll from the basket at the far end of the table, he leans back in his chair and takes an aggressive bite out of it. "I can barely contain myself" he says, spitting bread as he speak to which Effie makes a loud sigh and tries to ignore. She's officially given up trying to improve his table manners.
Peeta and I don't say a word. I twirl my spoon around in my bowl of soup but feel too sick to eat. Every second means we're closer to the Capitol, to seeing Snow. A shiver climbs up my back at the thought and my palms go sweaty. I excuse myself and go to lie down in my room for the remaining hours of quiet I get before Cinna arrives to dress me for dinner. Tonight its another ballgown of sorts, it's always some kind of extravagant dress that makes me feel like a doll being all dressed up to impress the dinner guests. It's gotten better the further along we've travelled though. In the Districts closer to home it felt almost criminal walking around in a dress costing more money than what the residents make in a lifetime. At least here, in District 1, I won't stand out quite as much,
Peeta looks handsome in a suit with little golden accents such as the cuffs of his sleeves which catch the light. As I study him more on our short walk from the train station to the Justice Building I notice that there must be gold infused into the very fabric of his suit for he glimmers in the changing light. He looks truly mesmerising and I can't help but smile.
I was right about the dress, everyone here is almost as wealthy as Capitol citizens themselves and my ballgown blends into the sea of expensive dresses sported by the women in the hall. To keep ourselves entertained through these very long and boring dinners Peeta and I created a games of sorts, it was born in District 6 when more hats started to make an appearance amongst the guests along with gloves and dangly piece of jewellery, all clearly accessories that didn't often leave the wardrobes of their owners. Because of this lack of use the wearers of the hats, and gloves and dangly jewellery were often clumsy in their actions, particularly in navigating the plethora of cutlery at the table and endless dishes presented by attendees at your side every five seconds. So, me and Peeta decided to count how many times someones feathered hat takes a dip into the soup or someone's gloves gets stained with greasy fingertips from sheer forgetfulness that they cannot simply pick up food with their bare hands. We make a bet before we leave the train of how many instances we will see during the dinner and the winner gets to choose a dare for the other to do. Of course the dares aren't anything too extravagant, we are still only narrowly avoiding the stocks with every breath. Tonight, Peeta wins and his dare is for me to dance with him to every song. A dare for me, a dream for him. Or so he thinks.
Truthfully, I can think of nothing better than to be held by him for every second of this awful parade of victors. And so we dance, Peeta twirls me around in circles, both of us breaking into laughter when I get dizzy and stumble. And he holds me close during the more mellow songs, we sway together as if becoming one being. Our faces just inches from each other, I can feel the heat of his lips and a surge of energy pulses through my body from my toes to my fingertips. I lean in and kiss him, a long, hard kiss. As I pull away I feel as if a switch has been turned inside of me. I realise I want to kiss him again, so desperately it takes everything I have to keep my lips separate from his. Our eyes are locked and I can tell he feels the same, as if we're magnets fighting to stay apart. I realise that hunger I first felt in the cave is back. I realise that I love him.
The party ends and we walk back to the train. I feel as if Effie and Haymitch are purposefully holding something back, which for two people who love to speak their mind is awfully strange and almost uncomfortable. Were they watching us on the dance floor? Did they sense the change in the air between us? I feel observed and quicken my pace, Peeta matches me accordingly and we make it to my bedroom door in record time. After Effie's plea for us to be more discrete we each started the night in our own room and Peeta would creep down the carriage and gently knock at my door before joining me. But tonight is different and I lead him into my room immediately.
Once we're inside I start to feel a bit lost, as if I suddenly don't know how to act around Peeta so I awkwardly perch on the edge of my bed and say "Do you want anything to drink? Are you thirsty, I mean?"
He stands by the door, hovering, unsure if he should come further into the room or retreat to the hallway. "No, no. I'm ok" theres a silence, "Are you...thirsty?" he swallows hard. I can tell he's nervous. So am I.
"No. I'm fine." more silence "Are you tired?" my voice catches at the end as the nerves make their way into my throat. As if on cue, Peeta gives me that warm smile and my body instantly fills with relief. I feel my muscles unclench and I move to lay back on the pillow. The awkwardness evaporated from the air, he walks over to the bed and throws himself down next to me.
"Quite a party that one, wasn't it?" he says jokingly
"Only because you made me dance all night! I can barely feel my feet!" we both giggle and roll onto our sides so that we're facing each other. He reaches out his hand and tucks my hair behind my ear. My skin reacts to his touch and a shiver emanates from the trace of his finger tips down my neck and into the pit of my stomach.
"I wish I could dance with you every night" his voice is low and quiet, almost a whisper. I used to hate when he came out with these lines that cement his love for me. But now, now I crave them. And so I let the words slip out of my mouth, not the ones that will lay my soul bare to him, but the ones that will let him know I feel the same way.
"Me too." his eyes light up and then he leans into me. Our lips touch and that spark I felt on the dance floor ignites inside me. That hunger from the cave.
For a moment we just kiss, our tongues battling for dominance. It's as if we're thinking it through while simultaneously letting it build until its undeniable to both of us. We've spent so many nights wrapped up into each other. Shared so many kisses, both public and private. This was inevitable, nothing could hold the hungry beast inside me at bay any longer and I delicately roll myself on top of him. The ball gown is restrictive and its not long before we both started to fiddle at the clasp on my back. I ease Peeta's jacket off of his arms. We break apart to wiggle off our shoes, both giggling when Peeta struggles to pull one of his off. Until we are both in our underwear and the giggling stops.
Peeta reaches out and slides the clips from my hair until it hangs around me. His hand drifts to my cheek and he pulls me in, this time he rolls on top of me and I can feel the weight of him pressing into me. It is the same feeling as when he places his hand on my knee at the table, that concrete proof to my senses that he is with me, only more intense. My body craves his touch. Neither of us has done this before, that is clear from the awkward head bumps and the way we have to lead each other to get it right.
I have never felt a sensation like it when he moves his head down my torso and finds the sweet spot with his tongue. My body moves without warning and I imagine this was the happiest I could ever feel. His lips return to mine and I begin to pulse with frustration for him to be inside me. He looks me dead in the eyes and mutters "Are you ready?" his breathing heavy, his eyes glistening with that same hunger. I nod and press my lips to his again, unable to stop myself. He pushes inside of me and I let out a whimper out of slight discomfort but mostly pleasure. He draws back his head frowning as if wondering if he should stop, I clutch the back of his neck and whisper "its ok" into his ear. With every second the discomfort fades and gives way to the shock waves of ecstasy that shoot through me. Both of our breathing becomes laboured and Peeta nuzzles his face into my neck with his hot breath on my skin only adding to my arousal. I feel like I can see stars circling above my head, I am dizzy with adrenaline and a long moan escaping from Peeta's lips confirms our climax.
We lay side by side, slick with sweat and utterly exhausted. Peeta finds my hand with his and intertwines our fingers. I turned to face him to find he is already watching me with that sweet smile on his face. I knew I had to say it now. As if he didn't already know, but I couldn't be sure that he did. I am not the easiest person to read. So before I can think it through and change my mind I tell him.
"I love you."
To which he replies, with a grin so wide its not far from touching his ears, "I love you too."