I woke up and scrolled through my Instragram
It was 2 weeks after I got my rings and Ali and I had been spending so much time together. We had been on two official dates this week and the country was loving us. I felt a little bad but generally very happy.
A week after, Ali had posted on his social media about the engagement without including my name or my photo.
With the simple caption; "My completeness."
The morning after his post, Hauwa was bent on waking me with her incessant phone calls. She was the one who informed me that Ali had posted the engagement. And also why had I not sent her the photos?
And so I had sent her the photos of the ring and then the President got on my case as well.
Why did Ali not post a photo of both of us? Why did I not ensure we had engagement photos?
And so I called Ali and told him I wanted engagement photos.
But not before I made my own post of the same photo with the caption, Allah bless our union.
If people liked me before, they loved me now. It seemed everybody loves love. I got random gifts from random people, fan art for myself and Ali. Invites as a couple to every occasion
Ali sometimes teased me when random people would pass by us and wave shyly. We gave a few more interviews before Ali mentioned to me that our relationship was ours and not a publicity stunt.
I agreed with that line and told the President so, when he complained about the statement we released that we would like a bit of privacy at this special moment of our lives.
I explained to him that any other thing, being too much publicity would be too much for us and the image he was trying to build. He happened to appreciate what I said.
The wedding planners had been working for months already and when Ali asked me what I wanted for the wedding, I told him I'd let my father and his father take charge since we knew it was going to be more of a high society event. The guest list was theirs and I was adding my past schoolmates and colleagues. Ali was adding his own friends as well. He confessed to me that it felt like they were the ones getting married and we were just at the forefront. I smiled then, he didn't even know how political this was.
Everything from the caterers to the music the venue was done by them. I only chose my gowns.
I was grateful in a way because I didn't want to get stressed by the planning at all. So I let others handle it. I wished I could skip it entirely and wake up already married or do something really really small and quiet. But of course I knew what was possible and what wasn't.
My phone beeped and I checked to see a message from Ali;
"I can't wait for us to finally be together."
I couldn't help thinking, after we get married wouldn't it be worse? I'd have to keep a secret from my husband, coerce him to do things he may not want to do because there's a bigger plan? If I went ahead with the wedding, won't he think worse of me? I'd be that woman who deceived him into marrying her, all the while plotting. The woman who he thought he was in love with but eventually turned out to be cold and conniving. Everything we shared would be a lie, everything would seem staged. But then again, wasn't it?
As the time drew nearer, I realized I dreaded the wedding more and more. All the intricate planning was getting to me. Our fathers were almost always calling me, informing me of this and that, meeting with themselves and coordinating. It all reminded me of how much of a ruse this was. At this point I just wanted to run to a court with Ali and sign on the dotted line. I'd wake up every morning and spend 10 minutes thinking and convincing myself itll be alright. I could do this. I needed to be strong for myself and for Ali, and for the health scheme that I wouldn't have started if not for this ruse.
It was benefitting lots of Nigerians, and if I had to go along with this just for them, then I would. We had covered a 100 major surgeries just last month. That's one hundred families that got access to surgical treatment without any financial burden. How could I risk them losing out on something that good by backing out now?
"All I know is that I want to be yours."
I sent back to Ali. My limbs felt very weak from the intense workout I had done in the gym. I was still sweaty and was considering shower or bed.
Seeing the new mail notification, I checked to see an invite from WOMEN.IN.HEALTH, they wanted me to speak in their yearly summit on how I managed being a doctor, getting my MBA, running the insurance scheme and now marriage. And what were my future business and career plans. I massaged my temple as I felt a headache. I remembered another mail I got from a home for teenage moms where I was described as a beacon of light to young women everywhere. Even my secondary school had informed me that I was now on their Wall of fame as an inspiration to the students.
A knock on my front door picked me up from my thoughts.
What if it was Ali, I was looking like someone who had been in the gym for days and I probably smelt like sweat.
I needed to shower first, but I couldn't leave him standing there, could I?
And so I opened without looking at the peephole.
"Jamal."
"I know Jamilah, I know what's going on."
He came in and walked into my sitting room. I closed the door as I wondered if I had been caught.
I know they're making you marry this guy. I know there's some sort of plan in place, and you're supposed to fall in line."
"Where did you hear this from?"
"I recovered an old phone and your email was still in it. Remember when we were close? And you would use my phone for anything anytime? I'm sorry I looked through your stuff, I just knew there was something wrong."
He came to me and held my hands in his.
"I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I didn't see immediately that you were being coerced. I'm sorry I believed that ridiculous story when in truth it was acted out."
"And what exactly did you see?"
"Your email from a Gen Abdul or something, on how you were doing great and once you played your part and married that guy, everything would work out. They're making you do this, Mila. Why didn't you trust me to tell me?"
It was General Mo Abdul, he was on a trip and during the JAMA launch, he had emailed me his Congratulations. But that was months ago, almost a year ago. Jamal was definitely snooping all the way back trying to find something.
"I'm fine. I want this. Nobody is forcing me Jamal."
"That's what they all say, I know they're probably holding you by something wrong you did or threatening to do something bad to your family but I promise we can fix it together."
"Jamal, I need you to understand me, okay. Ali does not even know about this. Please. I love him and I can't let him find out."
"So it's his father, it's the President?
He's doing this for his son?. Why don't you tell your father Mila. I'm sure he can get you out of this. And even if he doesn't, its okay. I have holdings in other countries. We can get flights out, today even if you want. You can call those you love. I promise to take care of you. You don't have to sell yourself."
"I'm not selling myself. Jamal, you're getting it wrong."
God I was getting frustrated, I hadn't slept properly in 3 days, and I was coming in from a very physical workout session hoping to fall straight into bed for years. I couldn't do this now. And what if Ali decides to show upwhile he was here. How do I explain? What do I do then?
"Please leave Jamal, I'll call you later and we'll sit and talk. Please don't tell anyone anything about this. I'll see you tomorrow. "
"You promise?"
I nodded.
"I'll keep an eye on you till then"
"Feel free. Just please give me some time to myself"
It was just my luck as Jamal opened the door to leave, Ali showed up. The two men stood at my doorway, assessing themselves. I groaned inwardly. My headache was getting worse.
"You had a visitor?"
"Yes, he was just leaving. "
"You're sure we can't talk about this, Mila? I can stay if you want me to."
Ali just lifted a brow.
"It's okay, Jamal. Please we'll talk later."
"I know you're not here to talk to my wife about leaving me." Ali moved closer to him with a cool glare.
"How modern of you to give her a choice. Should we give you a round of applause? The last thing I'm going to do is let Mila go into something that less than right for her, We were happy together. Where did you even come from?"
"Whatever you think you had, I'll let your statement go because of my fiancee, but from now you'd do well to know that it's both of us. We found ourselves, we're together and staying that way."
"You know where I'll be. Anytime you decide that you deserve more, anytime at all. I'm always ready."
"Just leave Jamal"
He stepped out and then turned to Ali.
"We both know she doesn't really want you. "
Ali stepped in and shut the door on Jamal.
After locking it, he turned to me
"Are you okay?"
I nodded. I didn't even know how I looked right now
"When did he get here?"
"A short while ago."
"You should sit, you look very tired."
I sighed and shook my head. Was that not the understatement of the year. I felt overwhelmed and overrun. I felt like I was juggling too many pieces and they were about to come crashing down.
Ali drew me onto the sofa and held me on his lap like a baby. His hand went to my hair as he took out the band and rubbed my scalp gently. I held on to his sides as my head rested on his chest and his slow but steady heartbeat was a direct contradiction to my churning mind.
"I cant be perfect, Ali, everyone thinks I'm perfect. For you, for the country, for the health scheme."
"Its going to be okay, honey. Everything is going to work out"
"I can't save anybody. I can't be anybody's idol or hero. It's too much for me, its just too much."
I looked up at him, my vision blurred from all the tears I seemed to have in excess.
"I can't be your sunshine. I'm breaking ."
He held me even tighter.
"I'm here for you, shhh, its okay, baby, it's okay."
"I can't be everything to everybody. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I mess up. Lots of times. I just want to get through this, if I survive this wedding, I'll be proud."
"I can't be right for everyone. I don't want to be the perfect girl for you. I just want to be me and you be you. Just you and me."
I had somehow in my ranting, come to a decision. To tell him. Since I was going to lose him and lose everything, then I wanted no regrets.
"Stay here this night?"
"I couldn't leave you now, even if I tried."