Their apartment was still packed up and ready for a life that would never be. Family members that had come and gone in a steady stream over the last few weeks helped to move the boxes out of the center of each room and relocated them neatly to the corners. They even unpacked a few plates for them to shovel baked macaroni and cheese and barbecue chicken onto from dinners delivered to them in disposable aluminum pans. Sid watched her mother and sister pick at the food and then throw most of it into the garbage. But she inhaled it all, couldn't get enough of it. Couldn't get it to fill the hollow place in the pit of her gut.
As she put her key in the door she expected much of the same. Lots of quiet, followed by eating until her stomach hurt, and then more silence. But instead, she entered the apartment to quiet chatter. The voices led her to the living room. Her mother and a man were seated on the couch.
Two boxes had been moved from the corner and placed side by side on the floor where a coffee table would be. Papers were fanned out over the top. Her mother caught sight of her in the entrance of the room a moment later and popped up onto her feet. She was fully dressed. Loose-fitting blue jeans and an orange sleeveless blouse buttoned down the front. The last time she saw her mom fully dressed was one week and four days ago during the funeral. As Sid was trying to process this her mother launched into a flurry of words. Something about helping with a case.
"Huh?" Sid said, her eyes darting between her mother and unknown yet smartly dresses figure. He finally stood and extended a hand to Sid which she shook apprehensively. He took over the explanation. Speaking much more calmly and slowly that her mother.
"I'm Regis Hollins. I'll be representing your family in the lawsuit against the MTA for your father's death." He seemed pleased with himself for being there. Said it plain out like it was nothing.
"What lawsuit?" Sid turned confused eyes onto her mother.
"That gap between the train and platform. They don't have any signage there and the station gets too crowded. That's how...it happened."
Sid shook her head in dissent as her mother's words left her mouth. Mr. Hollins stood there looking pleased with himself. Waiting for her praise? Like he was waiting for Sid to thank him for wielding a sword against the big bad metropolitan transit authority.
The conversation needed to be had now. The longer she waited the bigger this thing was becoming.
"Can we talk for a second?" Sid asked. Her mother looked at the lawyer, ready to put her off, but Hollins spoke up.
"We're all done here pretty much. I'll get started on filing and call you with updates later this week?" He asked, to which her mother nodded.
It seemed like it took forever for him to gather his papers and leave. As soon as the door closed, Tanya Berry whirled around to Sidney.
"That was rude." She fumed at her.
"Mom, we can't sue the MTA."
"Why the hell not? My husband is gone because of them. The district has been asking for years to get proper signage or something put in that damn station and they haven't done anything. It was only a matter of time before some lost their life." Her mother's flats squeaked against the tile as she bounced her knee and held herself, arms wrapped around her like she was still wearing the robe she rarely shed over the last few days.
"But he didn't. Mom, when it happened there was a guy there. He was talking to some guy...with a scar," Sid ran her hand from temple to her chin tracing the path of scar, "...and then the guy pushed him."
She kept her eyes trained on her sneakers. Afraid of what the look on her mother's face might tell her. Terrified that it may confirm that she did screw up in some way. Worried that she would see the confident look that her mother always had on her face fade. But the silence stretched on for so long that she had to look up and survey the situation. She thought that maybe her mother had left the room silently. Lifting her head toward her mother she saw that she was still there, her feet glued to the same spot and her eyes fixed on Sidney.
A tear trembled on her lower eyelid, threatening to fall but she seemed to regain control of her body and wiped it away. Sid winced from watching her mother shove her pain away. She moved toward Sid, causing her to back further into the living room until her the back of her knees hit the couch and she sunk down onto it. Her mother stopped short and shook her head back and forth. A pleading look on her face. If she didn't want Sid to be scared she was doing a shitty job of not seeming like a threat.
Her mother rounded the makeshift coffee table boxes and sat down next to her. Her arms wrapped around Sid's back and pulled her in close to her breast. Sid wailed like an infant against her mother. It's like the tears were always there, just waiting for a safe moment to come out. They rolled, thick and hot from down her cheeks and soaked her mom's orange blouse, leaving dark wet patches all over. Her lips were moving as she apologized over and over again for letting it happen. Not being able to stop it. Not being able to save her father.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I...I'm so sorry."
"Hey, hey...listen. It's not your fault," Her mother held her by her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes, "It's not your fault." Sid let the words ping around in her head but they didn't settle. Couldn't find a nice place where they belonged. A place where she believed them.
Solace evaded her like the sleep had not had these last few weeks. But she nodded anyway. Let her mother know that she heard her even if the words weren't sticking to anything. At least they were out and now that they were, maybe they could do something about it. She could invite the police in on her stakeout. Have them use the full resource of the justice system to find her father's killer.
"I'll be okay talking to the police now. I know I couldn't before but I'll do it." She was full of intensity all of a sudden. Ready to avenge what had been taken from them. She met her mothers' eyes only to find her looking down at her lap.
"We can't." Her mother said. It was possible Sid misheard her. Her heart was thumping so loudly it was flooding her ears.
"What?" Sid lowered her eyes and leaned in.
"You can't tell anyone that. About what happened. That stays with us."
There was no way to misunderstand that. Her mother was clear and it seemed final. Her voice was steady and those tears that were unrelenting over the last few days were gone.
"Why? We have to tell someone."
"Your father wouldn't want that."
Sid pushed her mothers' hands off of her. It seemed like the most important thing in the world at that moment was for Sid to put as much space between them as possible. She backed out of the room.
"Sit down." Her mother ordered quietly. Sid stopped her retreat but didn't return to the couch. Instead, she stood, tense all over, and watched her mother breathe deeply before she raised her head and let their eyes meet.
"He wouldn't want that. Your dad had a plan for us. A plan for this family and I'll be damned if I let..." Her voice caught in her throat and she shook her head to push past it,"...anyone...anyone mess that up. The lawyer will help us win the lawsuit. He's done it in the past. It'll be enough to set this family right for generations to come. They will not take this away from us."
Sid balked. Her biggest fear was that her mother wouldn't believe her. She never imagined a scenario where her mother believed her but refused to do anything about it. And why? Because of money? Money was more important than seeing her husband's killer behind bars? Air was struggling out of her lungs in quick pants and she was afraid that she was close to a full panic attack. She urged her body to move away from this insanity. Her feet moved quickly as she retreated to her and Whitney's room.
When Sid burst into the room and slammed the door behind her, she saw Whitney sitting on her bed, fiddling with her headphones. Attempting to put them back on after she'd obviously been listening in on everything that had gone on between Sid and their mother.
She collapsed into a heap on her bed and the wetness coated her face. Whitney crossed over and sat on the bed with her. Silently. Since their dad's death, she noticed that Whitney was afraid to push. Had barely asked any questions. Questions that she had the right to know the answers to. He was her father too. Yeah, Sidney had witnessed his death but they all witnessed his life. They all had love tied to him. But Whitney was the type to never push. She tugged at the sleeves of her shirt just like Sid did when she was uncomfortable or at a loss for words. But Sid knew that her sister needed her. After what they both just heard she needed to say something.
"He wouldn't have wanted that."
Whitney sank her head onto Sid's lap.
"No. He wouldn't have." Whit whispered.
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