WARNING: PHILS CONSENT CAN APPEAR UNCLEAR IN THE BEGINNING, SMUT, NIGHTMARE, AGGRESIVE BEHAVIOR (?)
Phil's POV
On the train back to our apartment we tiredly fell silent. It had been a busy day. Not physically demanding, but mentally. I couldn't stop thinking about last night and I saw that it wasn't easy for Dan to stay calm. Most of all in front of Oliver.
The last time Oliver saw him was at the party while Dan was completely drunk and high. Now he sat soberly next to him and talked about planned projects and upcoming appointments.
I just felt sorry for him sitting there and trying to sound constructive. I felt nothing but deep affection for him for trying not to relapse. He did it mainly because of me, I knew that, and I appreciated that.
Even if I wished that one day he would be so valuable to himself that he wanted to be able to stop without thinking about me.
It seemed to be getting harder by the minute, so I decided to ask him if we should go. It was late anyway.
"Thank you." he said modestly when we were outside.
"No problem." I replied. We smiled at each other before we made our way to the station.
And now we were here on the tube. We both sat next to each other, lost in our thoughts, me at the window and Dan in the corridor.
I looked out into the dark, admired the city's colorful lights. At that time there was hardly anyone on the tube on weekdays. A couple of rows in front of us was a guy who must have been about our age and far away an older woman who looked unhappy.
As I wondered why she might be unhappy, I suddenly felt Dan's hand on my thigh. I immediately turned my head to him, but he strained to look ahead, ignoring me.
His fingers moved to my crotch, which is why I hit it with the palm of my hand so that he would take it away.
"Stop it." I hissed in horror, whereupon he immediately pulled his hand back. For the rest of the ride he played awkwardly with his hands, sometimes looking at his cell phone.
What the hell was going on?
"Are you crazy, Dan?" I asked in horror as I closed the door to the apartment behind us.
I stormed in and stopped a few meters further in the middle of the hall, so Dan couldn't get past me. He pulled off his jacket with a frown and hung them up.
"Just forget it." He said, trying to walk past me without interest, but I didn't let him through.
"Forget it? Jesus Christ, Dan." I didn't know if I should be angry or worried.
He looked at me for a long time until he slowly took off my jacket. Hardly audible, it landed on the floor. I was so perplexed that I couldn't say anything.
"Ever thought that I might just wish, that we could repeat that from last night?" He said, looking down at his hands that were on my waistband. They sneaked under my shirt and at that moment I stopped his plan, almost violently tore his arms away from me.
"Stop it, Daniel." I warned him. Unimpressed, he raised his head, tilted it slightly to appease me with tender kisses just below my ear.
"Didn't you like it?" He whispered before looking at me again. "It looked very much like it and ,mostly, sounded like it."
Why did he start now? He had left it all day, not even making a tiny comment. What was wrong with him? Instead of his physical ailments, he seemed to be going crazy now.
"Of course I liked it, but we can't repeat that." I stood firm, ignoring his hands, which were all over my body again.
"I don't care what we can do, it only matters what we want." He came closer to me, I almost thought he wanted to kiss me, so I took a step back so that he was further away from me now. "And I can't and don't want to keep my fingers off you."
With these words I became so warm that it was difficult for me to think clearly. He was seducing me and there was nothing I could do about it.
"Maybe-" I started as Dan approached me again, inch by inch. "Then maybe you should go back to your apartment."
When I said that, his lips were now so close to mine that I could feel his breath on them. Our eyes were half closed and the tension between us threatened to burst. I became dizzy, I could hardly stay on my feet.
"Yeah, maybe you're right." he breathed, his hands leaving my body.
"I think so, too-"
"Shut up." He suddenly interrupted me and suddenly he gripped my face with his hands so that I couldn't free myself from him. It finally clouded all my senses.
His tongue touched my lips and I opened my mouth, allowing him in. Our tongues fought a battle, a fierce one, that surpassed everything I had known before.
Then I pushed him away from me and he looked at me almost hurt, but I just pushed him against the wall and pressed my lips to his now.
My hands went to his ass, gripped it, before I slid down his thighs and quickly picked him up. I have no idea where this sudden confidence came from, but he wrapped his arms and legs around me. Dan put his head back and I immediately took the chance and kissed his neck.
He groaned, clawed into my shoulders.
I suddenly breathed out the air, which probably no longer made it to my brain, because I felt completely mentally benign, defenseless, not against Dan but against myself. I wanted him so much that nothing could stop me but at the same time I knew it was wrong. It risked our friendship, the most important thing we had.
Before I could think any further, I turned around with him, carried him to the bedroom door, which I bumped open with my foot, almost threw him on the bed and now stood in front of him, breathing heavily. His chest moved visibly with his breath, he looked up at me longingly.
With a jerky movement I suddenly found myself shoving both hands under his shirt, his face contorted with pleasure.
I took it off, threw it into the room, then took off mine. Leaning on my arms, I leaned over him, was still an arm's length away from him, and he looked deeply into my eyes.
Suddenly he put his hand around my neck and pulled me down, kissing me again wildly, passionately. He groaned into the kiss, broke it only when we barely had any air to breathe, and stayed there with his eyes closed as if he was trying to control himself.
I, in turn, stopped trying. As if out of nowhere, I detached myself from him, went down from the bed, only to open my pants with a quick, skillful hand movements, to pull them down so that they fell to the floor. Dan did the same, just lying on the bed. Throughout, he made sure that eye contact remained. I didn't mind.
It was only when he got rid of his boxers that I let my eyes wander over his body. The last time the situation escalated, it was pitch black, but now I could look at him extensively and I had to admit that I liked what I saw.
Apparently he knew that because he was grinning seductively, leaning on his elbows. He watched me take off my boxers and I could see him swallowing hard.
"Phil?" He began, looking into my eyes. "Do you want to go that far?" I knew immediately what he meant and couldn't suppress a weak laugh. He was lying naked on the bed in front of me, while I stood naked in front of him. If I didn't want to sleep with him, I could have thought of it a little earlier.
"Suddenly so considerate?" I wanted to know with a grin, but he remained serious, sighed. "Do you?"
He swallowed hard and then nodded, whereupon I leaned over and kissed him.
"Do you know what you have to do?" He asked quietly while my face was just above his.
"Not really, to be honest."
"It's okay, doesn't really matter anyway. Do you have lube here?" I shook my head uncertainly, whereupon Dan rolled his eyes. "Jesus Christ, Phil. Okay, in the pocket of my bag, the zipper on the left."
I got down from him and ran straight into the living room, found condoms and lubricants in his pocket and actually I was only glad that he was using protection while fucking half of London.
I came back to Daniel, who smiled at me uncertainly.
He sat up, grabbed my wrist and pulled me down whereupon he gently connected our lips.
"I'm turning around now. You put on the condom, spread some of the lube on your fingers and prep me, okay? "
"Sure." I did everything as Dan said. When I inserted my first finger into Daniel, it felt damn weird, but then he kept saying that everything was fine. A short time later, he told me to get a second finger, which I did. Frankly, Dan gave me step by step instructions.
I kissed his shoulder, whereupon I confidently inserted a third finger into him, whereupon he groaned in surprise.
"You learn quickly." He just said, I laughed briefly. "Okay, that's enough. Go to step two."
I swallowed hard, took my fingers back and positioned my dick.
"You will tell me if something is wrong, right?"
"Of course. Relax, Phil. Slowly." He said calmly, whereupon I swallowed again, took a deep breath and slowly entered him. I saw him clawing into the bed sheets, but he said nothing, which is why I entered him further. When I was completely inside him, I stopped for a moment, waiting for Dan to maybe relax a little.
"Wasn't that bad, was it?" He said about a minute later.
"Shut up." I rolled my eyes, whereupon I started to move in him, which elicited a soft moan. He paused briefly, leaned over him and kissed his shoulder, took his hand, hooked our fingers.
"Are you all right?" I asked him in a trembling voice, whereupon he only nodded, softly affirmed.
That gave me the necessary security, because I then grabbed him firmly by the hips, kept pushing, now more firmly, at shorter intervals, causing him to groan excitedly. I wasn't feeling any better. I couldn't suppress it, the sounds just left me. I knew that this would only confirm Dan more and he would never let me go, but at the moment I didn't care.
I had never seen anyone make it so easy to forget any consequences and now he was doing it for the second time.
"Dan." I groaned his name, buried my face in his neck. I noticed how his free hand went to his own dick and he started to jerk of.
"Please don't stop." I heard him say softly, which only drove me to climax. When he came, he groaned loudly, until I slowly removed myself and let myself fall next to him.
Dan's POV
"Fuck." I heard Phil's voice suddenly, then closed my eyes. For a few minutes I had only heard our breath slowly fading away. He sat up slowly and looked perplexed into the room.
"Phil." I tried to calm him down somehow, but he just raised his hand, which meant that I should just shut up.
I had known exactly that Phil would go nuts when he was clear again. That was really not my goal.
"What the fuck? We have been best friends, Dan, for years! That doesn't work, definitely not. We can't-"
I grabbed his wildly gesticulating hand and held it, now I sat up.
"Breathe, Phil." His words pierced my heart like little needles, but now wasn't the time to get sentimental. "Listen, I don't know what's going on. I swear a few days ago I thought that was impossible myself, okay? "
He still looked panicked, hardly seeming to notice what I was saying, completely preoccupied with himself.
"But now that's the way it is and I think we should make the best of it."
"What?" Phil asked with a frown, suddenly listening.
"Well, what speaks against it? If we sometimes... you know? Nobody has to know anything about it except us."
"Are you fucking serious?" He asked in horror and finally looked at me.
"Yes."
He turned away from me, thinking hard. I had this thought all day long, it became increasingly clear that I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't pretend that nothing ever happened because whenever I looked at Phil I just wanted to kiss him.
Even now, as I watched him think, his cheeks, which were still slightly flushed... I didn't want anything else. Every second he might decide to kick me out scared me more and more. I couldn't do without him, without this. I would immediately fall back into my old scheme. But I would keep that to myself.
"Nobody is allowed to know any of this." he suddenly said emphatically and looked into my eyes again. I swallowed hard. Actually, I had at least prepared for a long discussion.
"I promise." I said immediately and nodded in confirmation.
"We're really fucked up." he added, dropping onto his back again.
"That's just us." I replied and he smiled somehow nostalgically.
"I'm going to get dressed again." He announced out of context, got up and looked for his boxer shorts from the floor.
"Good idea." Not really.
While he was already lying back in my bed, I was still busy putting on my boxers. I came to him under the covers and stared at him. However, he only stared hard at the ceiling.
"How was I?" He asked suddenly, tearing me completely out of the train of thoughts I just had. Then it came back to me that it was his first time. Maybe we could just see the whole thing as collecting new experiences together or something. Even if I didn't even buy it myself.
"You were good." I answered honestly. I slid closer to him, stroking his hair until I rested my hand on his cheek. He gently closed his eyes for a moment. You always saw it when he liked something. Phil was easy and I longed for a easy time in my life.
"Good? Is that all?" He grinned and I rolled my eyes.
"My God, how much confirmation do you need?" I countered. He gave me a quick kiss, whereupon he looked at me again expectantly.
"It was incredible, Phil." I said, running my thumb over his cheek. "Is that enough?"
"Yeah." he replied breathlessly and I kissed him again, but more intimately than the kiss before.
~~~
"Leave me alone! Leave me all alone!" I screamed as loud as I could, sobbing as I crouched in the corner in fear. The cold stone walls around me touched my skin, making me shiver.
I covered my head protectively with my arms, cried bitterly when I felt them coming closer and closer. They surrounded me, leaving me no way to escape. They had followed me. No matter how far and how fast I ran, they still caught up with me.
These figures, black, huge, faceless. They tugged at me, tore my clothes, and laughed viciously. I became more and more panicked until it suddenly fell silent.
No more pulling, no more devilish laughter. Just silence.
I slowly moved away from my protective position and looked around. I was standing in the middle of the street. In the middle of London. No human soul, it was foggy and cold.
It felt like millions of little ants were walking over my sensitive skin.
"Phil?" I whined. "Where are you? Get me out of here." I talked tortured to myself and suddenly I felt a cold hand on my upper arm.
"I'm here, Dan." Phil whispered in my ear. I turned around and as soon as I saw him I fell around his neck in relief.
"Thank god." My tears still didn't stop to flow, but a feeling of security spread through my body as I pressed against him.
"What the fuck, let me go!" He suddenly roared with anger, forcibly pushed me away from me so that I fell backwards, painfully landing on my elbows. Black blood flowed from them.
I touched it in shock. It was freezing cold.
"What's going on here?" I stuttered, turning my gaze back to Phil, who was looking at me with hatred. Maybe even disgust.
"You can't escape it. You can't forget. You can't hide." he told me cryptically.
"What? What are you talking about?"
But he didn't answer, just looked past me, and I followed his gaze. There was only one person at the end of the street. The sight of this person made my heart slip. When I turned around, Phil was gone.
"No, please, don't leave me here alone! Don't leave me with him!" I shouted.
~~~
"Dan! Daniel!" I heard a voice, felt how I warmed up again. Someone shook me, made it difficult for me to open my eyes.
Just a nightmare.
"Phil?" It left me weak so that he finally stopped shaking me. "I'm awake, stop it." It worked.
"Oh my god, finally." He exclaimed and he pulled me towards him, hugging me in his arms. I closed my eyes. It was the worst dream of my life. Phil slowly pulled away from me. I realized that it was already light. And I was in the living room for some reason.
"Was I sleepwalking?" I asked confused.
"No." Phil said confused as well. "Dan, we've been awake for a few hours. You slept in on the couch while watching telly and suddenly started trembling and talking and screaming and-"
"We were awake already?" I asked perplexed.
"Yes, we- don't you remember?" I shook my head uncertainly. "Okay, I'll bring you a drink."
I just nodded and pulled the thin blanket more over my legs. Where did the blanket come from? Maybe Phil had put them on me. He came back and gave me a glass of water, and I took a sip.
"We woke up normally, had coffee and then you fell asleep here and had this nightmare? No idea. You just babbled to yourself. That I should give you something."
"Drugs?" I interrupted him in shock.
"You didn't say it, but I'm assuming so, yes." He looked away from me, concerned.
"I'm sorry."
"And just before you woke up, you mentioned a name. Tyler."
"Tyler?" I stuttered, trying to hide what the name made my insides do.
"Yes, Tyler. Who is this?"
"I don't know." I lied and looked at my hands, couldn't look him in the eye. He didn't believe me anyway.
We stayed like this for a while, Phil stopped the conversation and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was just happy that I was awake and Phil was still with me.
I could see that my behavior frightened him and I was grateful that he didn't just run away or something.
"I have to get out of here." I said suddenly at some point. I suddenly felt so incredibly restricted and just wanted to go outside.
"Out? Alone?" Phil asked skeptically.
"Yes, Phil, alone. I'm all grown up, I'm not going to get lost." I hissed.
"I don't want you to go out alone."
"Holy shit, then come with me!" I said slightly annoyed, and then we walked down the stairs together.
Actually, I just wanted to be alone at that moment. Just for a few minutes. After all, Phil hadn't taken his eyes off me for a second since he found out about the drugs.
Sure, I could understand that there was no other way, but still I went crazy.
It was creepy to think that hours passed that I just didn't remember.
Most of all, the fact that, in this uncontrolled state, I could have told almost everything about me, about Tyler.
When this name came up, my heart slipped into my pants. What if I kept talking. What if I told Phil everything next time without anything I could do about it?
I walked restlessly through the streets of London. Phil barely followed.
"Hey, wait a minute." he grumbled out of breath when he almost caught up with me. He had had to run a bit for that. I stopped until he stopped gasping for breath. "Are you running away from me?"
"No. I'm just trying to clear my head, Phil." I felt that I was extremely irritable and didn't want to take it out on him, so I tried to avoid him, but he gave me no choice.
Phil didn't reply and so we just faced each other for a while. He looked lost. He could neither give me this freedom, nor would he probably want to pressure me like that. I felt sorry for him. This is exactly why I never wanted to involve anyone in this. Now I was standing here and I couldn't take this decision from him. It was too late for that.
People ran past us, so many strangers in this big city, but suddenly I recognized one of the faces.
He grinned at me and greeted me with a handshake when he reached us. Patrick.
"Hey Daniel, are you all right?" He started the conversation, which I really didn't want to do now. All he wanted was to sell and I knew that. The worst thing was that I wanted nothing more than to give in to the urge.
"Hey, yeah, what about you?" I let myself be listlessly involved in the hypocritical small talk. What else should I do?
"Got to. You know how it is." He announced ambiguously. "Who's your friend here?"
"This is Phil." Phil watched us suspiciously and only hesitantly shook hands with my 'friend'.
"Your internet colleague Phil? I'm Patrick, hey." He introduced himself and then turned back to me.
"So, when do we two pretty people want to meet again?" That should be some kind of unmistakable code word, when I wanted to buy something from him again. The blood roared in my ears. I hadn't taken anything for far too long and it became more and more noticeable. When was I finally ready to stop this desire?
"Actually, I don't want to meet anymore. This company isn't really good for me." I still remained strong and hoped that Patrick understood what I was getting at. My best friend's eyes were confused on me, but I ignored them.
"Understand. Just like Tyler's company, I suppose." I wanted to kill him for coming at me this way.
Phil's jaw dropped and he looked at me in horror.
Immediately I got a sharp headache, I could barely understand their voices, was hardly mentally present until Phil grabbed my shoulder.
"Dan?" His eyes were adamant, he wouldn't let me out with any excuse.
"Just fuck you, Patrick." I snapped, whereupon I passed him.
"You will miss our company, kiddo!" He called after me, as if he found the attempt absolutely ridiculous. Probably thousands have told him that, and in the end they ended up with him again and again. But I just kept walking until Phil grabbed my wrist and I stopped.
Knowing what was coming, each of my body cells resisted looking at him.
"Leave it, please." I tried to avoid the worst, but Phil only tensed his jaw.
"Forget it! I'm going to give you one last chance to tell me who Tyler is. Finally telling me the whole story. And if you lie to me again or keep something from me, I'll pack your things and throw them out the window and you right with them. You can play your little game with someone else. Clear?"
He looked calm, but so determined that it made my blood freeze. He was serious. Fucking serious.
"Sure." I replied sheepishly.
"You can think about what you want until we are back in our apartment." he added before turning and walking with firm steps in the direction we came from.
I stopped dead and tried to get a clear idea.
I could just run away, I knew that wasn't a solution. It wasn't fair for Phil to threaten me with getting out of my life. He knew I didn't want to lose him, but if I didn't want to tell him, I didn't have to, did I?
I followed him slowly, still struggling not to just run away. I could catch up with Patrick and get what I needed most in this stressful situation, but something kept pushing me forward so that I crawled back into the apartment like a poodle.
I wasted time taking ages to take my jacket off and put it back in place, next to that of my roommate.
He stood resolutely in the kitchen, but I just ran past and dropped onto the couch in the living room.
"And how did you decide?" He immediately asked when he leaned against the door frame.
"Why are you forcing me to tell you everything? I mean, just because I may have a few secrets from you doesn't mean we can't be friends." I tried to take my point and avoid having to disclose everything.
He looked at me with a stern look. I had never seen him so clarified.
"You're right." he replied calmly.
"I'm right?" Okay, I didn't expect that.
"Yes you are right. I can't force you to tell me everything. And it is nonsense to threaten you that we will no longer be friends and that I will throw you out of the apartment." His look became at least a little gentler when he said that.
"Fuck you!" It burst out of me. I knew the psycho-tricks that Phil sometimes played. They worked for others, but not for me. But he just kept talking.
"I can understand that there are things that you want to keep to yourself. But you have to understand me too. I'm just wasting my time here if you don't get fully involved either way. There is no middle ground. Completely or not at all, so-"
"Why does everybody force me to do things I don't wanna do?!" It burst out loudly and Phil looked at me perplexed. I felt restricted, saw no escape.
When Phil took a step towards me, I automatically reacted, jerked back, pulled my knees up, sat like an egg on the couch and stared at Phil with wide eyes, who looked at me just as surprised. Fuck. I felt tears gather in my eyes.
"Please." I said, just about to cry. "Please, don't force me."
"Okay." He said immediately, gently, standing still in his place. "I won't force you."
I just nodded, resting my head on my knees.
"I'll make us a coffee." Phil announced and I nodded in agreement, whereupon he disappeared from the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i'm scared this fic will flop, lol.
also, what do you think? let me know. a lot happened in this chapter, right?
so, who is tyler? i wanna hear theories.
will dan tell phil? will he tell him next chapter? maybe baby, idk.
well i do. haha. lol.
sorry, see you next chapter. ly.