two-hundred mgs & a new creed
There is a tremendous flow of tenderness raging behind me, desperately begging to flood my world again. With all my focus and strength I hold it back, my knees buckle and it doesn't take much to lose my footing. The tears jump out and I scream sometimes from the burden of standing in its way.
I read something tonight, something cathartic and gorgeous and simple but true, and very dangerous to my current state of mind.
So dangerous that I made a decision, to stop seeing myself as I have been, to stop manifesting the monster. I'm allowing myself to be soft and loving, and sometimes distant and quiet because that's who I am.
And who I am is someone who examines herself, her heart and thoughts and spirit, for the sake of herself and those around her. I consider, I care, I reach out, I think, I feel, I love.
If I do all those, then I can't be a bad thing, I must be a good thing. With this realization, I won't lie to myself anymore, and my true voice will ring out like cathedral bells, and on the sabbath of my life, the lights will come on.
Behind me are emotions, aspirations, gentleness, specialness, kindness, grace, and the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen. I've been holding those back for too long, I'm surrendering to the wave.
In fact I'm jumping in.
Dedicated to Little Weirds by Jenny Slate, I sincerely recommend.