"here you are," the sweet man places a salad in front of me and i thank him kindly.
"so..." colby begins once our food has finally arrived. he's been beating around some imaginary bush the entire time now, and frankly i am fed up with it. i just want to know what's going on, and to not be left guessing about his intentions.
"what's up?" i ask eagerly when he trails off again. just tell me, will you?
"i bought tickets to go home this weekend," he blurts out and i grip my fork tightly to avoid dropping it in surprise. what?
"for how long?" i ask, keeping my voice quiet and collected. i won't let this become a problem between us, i won't fight with him over something so simple. why would he make such a big deal out of visiting home? why wouldn't he just tell me about it?
"just for the weekend," he shrugs.
"why was that so hard to say?" i ask. just be honest with me. there has to be more to it than just that.
"because... i'm so stressed andromeda," he admits breathlessly. i tilt my head at him, confusion clear in my facial expression. i knew there was more.
"what's wrong?" i ask, genuinely concerned about the tone in his voice. i hope he isn't hurting.
"with everything that's been going on lately i... i just don't know..."
"i hope you know i love you, and i want you to be okay. if going home for a few days will help, that's okay," i assure him after a few seconds of his face growing more and more worried.
"i don't know how long i can do this..." there are tears in his eyes and i feel an unstoppable urge to move myself to his side and hug him, but i don't want to do that here. not in the middle of this stupid restaurant.
"do you want to leave? we can talk in the car?" i plea with him, my eyes desperate for him to agree. i don't care about this salad, i care about my boyfriend. he nods slowly and i sigh at the boy.
"can we get our check?" i say once i am finally successful in waving down the waiter. will we ever finish a meal in public?
"leaving so soon?" he smirks at the two of us and i want to slap him.
"yes sir, can we get our check?" i ask once again and pray that he doesn't have a comment this time. he nods slowly before turning on his heels and rushing out of my line of vision. thank god.
"you okay?" i ask colby once i set my sights back on him. his eyes are focused on his lap, and i hate the scene. it's rare for him to be so upset and vulnerable, i just want to help.
"yeah i'm alright," he assures me half heartedly. i give him an apologetic smile as the annoying waiter returns with our check. i rush to grab cash from my wallet, throwing it down on the table without a tip. usually, i would never neglect a tip, but right now all i can think about is getting colby out of here and to a place where i can grab him by the face and kiss him.
•
the car door is loud compared to the thick silence surrounding us. i feel like the cold air from outside has seeped down into my body, failing to conform to my body's temperature. i am cold, i'm freezing.
"talk to me," i plea with the blue-eyed boy as he rushes towards the front door, and away from me. he refused to say anything during the drive home, and i am feeling the composure slowly flee from my body.
i watch as he throws one foot in front of the other, strutting like a model. even in such an uncomfortable moment, he has me in awe of his beauty.
i follow him close behind as he walks through the crowded room, julia and sam both over at the house. i don't know when they got here, or if colby and i look insane in the way we are acting. i just can't find the energy to care right now, audience or not.
"colby," my voice is nearly broken by the time he reaches the stairs.
"is everything okay?" sam asks from behind me. i let out a deep breath when colby stops dead in his tracks at the attention we've caught.
"sam," colbys voice sounds worried and isolated. why won't he just talk to me?
"can i talk to you?" he asks the blonde haired boy and i feel my heart stop for a second. i watch as sam quickly follows colby upstairs and i am left frozen in space. what is going on?
"woah, andro, what's up?"
jakes voice is soothing, but i don't want to hear his awkward attempt at comforting me with humor. i can't handle that right now.
"i... don't know," i feel tears pooling in my eyes. once again, i have no idea why colby is acting the way that he is. he always finds a way to throw a curve ball at me. all i want to do is help, and instead of talking to me he ran away.
•
"hello?" julia's voice follows a few gentle knocks on the wall next to the stairs to my room.
"hey," i call out, pulling my attention away from my phone. that's alright, scrolling through people talking about me and colby on twitter was getting boring anyways.
"what's going on?" she asks, referring to the dramatic scene that took place just an hour or so ego. i gave up on trying to get colbys attention, because he seemed way more comfortable speaking to sam about whatever the issue is.
"i don't know, i don't really want to talk about it..." i trail off, taking deep breaths. i know that if i am not careful, i will break down in front of the poor girl who just wants to be polite.
"you know, i'm surprised. it's hard to imagine you two being as complicated as you used to be," she speaks freely, and it is only now that i realize she is stumbling and struggling to walk. she must be inebriated.
"are you drunk?" i ask, trying to avoid her statement about the boy my heart beats for.
"no, i smoked with jake... are you okay?" she must notice the tears pooling up in my eyes.
"i'm okay..." i breathe out heavily, and she quickly finds a spot next to me. my bed dips as she settles down. i compose myself and sit up straight before speaking again.
"do you think it's possible for someone to fall out of love?" i ask, letting my curiosity get the best of me. "what?"
"well... i don't know... do you think so?"
"for sure. it's always a possibility, but why are you asking? you don't think you fell out of love with him do you?" she asks, the worry in her eyes growing every moment that i don't respond to her.
"no, i don't. i think he fell out of love with me..." i trail off. i don't want to have to explain my thought process, because i feel selfish and it doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't been in a relationship with colby. he is confusing and makes me feel insane.
"why?" she asks simply and i close my eyes before a tear has the opportunity to slip out.
"he won't talk to me... he said something like... like he's stressed out... but he won't tell me why..."
i give up on fighting the liquid emotion spilling from my eyes and let it flow. it's nothing she hasn't seen before, right? i wish everyone didn't see me as such an emotional wreck. that's just who i am now that i have colby, and i don't know how to stop the mess of thoughts in my brain. not when his name is involved. not when there is any fear in my head that he doesn't love me the same as i love him.
"i understand, but you two were doing great. why would he just suddenly feel different?" she asks. she's right, i'm being irrational. i just can't stand the thought that he doesn't trust me as much as i trust him. when i am upset, the first person i go to is him.
"i don't know... maybe i'm just paranoid? i've never done this before..."
"i know you haven't, but don't worry so much. i'm sure he'll be okay, and he'll talk to you eventually. he obviously loves you, andro."
"is it obvious?" i ask, dumbfounded at the claim. he's made me look a fool in front of our friends for months now, how can it be so obvious to everyone else but me? between everything with tara, and the spill of heated conversations we've had in range of the others ears, i figure by now they're tired of pretending to like us.
"he does everything for and with you. you two are inseparable, none of us even try to get in between you because you're obviously a pair. that's two sided, from our perspectives."
i am full on sobbing now, knowing her words are true. i hate doubting our relationship, because even though it's the only one, it's the most stable companionship i've ever had. she is right. everything i do, i have him by my side. it's never a question if we want to be around each other.
"thank you, i needed to hear that..." i speak slowly, trying to catch ahold of my brain. i need to slow down and handle these situations better.
"hey," sam emerges from the stairs and i wince, bracing myself to see colby walk in behind him. when he doesn't, i quickly wipe the tears from my eyes and shoot sam a polite smile.
"hi!" i greet him as if i wasn't just sobbing to julia.
"he wants to talk to you," he breathes out. i nod at him, digesting his words. colby wants to talk to me now? it's getting so late, i am so exhausted. i wish i could pass out in his arms right now.
"okay." i lift myself from my spot, and walk towards the stairs quickly, not wanting to leave him waiting for more than a second.
"andro?" sams voice stops me in my tracks.
"yeah?" i turn to him, almost at the stairs now.
"he loves you," he assures me and i smile. i wonder if he heard my confession to julia, how else would he know to say that?
"i love him," i admit slowly. this is an awkward conversation to be having right now.
"i haven't seen him like this in so long... so committed. i'm really thankful for everything you've done for him," sam continues and i am back to holding back the tears in my eyes.
"thank you." i don't know what else to say. julia is sitting promptly on my bed and i want to leave. i want to run up these stairs and into colbys arms. i want to tell him how awkward this is, and i want him to laugh with me about it. i want to know that when i go upstairs, i won't have to be sad any longer. i want to know this was just a misunderstanding, and that he is okay. i just want him to be okay.
"please, be good to him..." sams voice is slow and calm, despite his hesitant and saddening words.
"i would never be anything but good to him," i admit to both him and myself. after everything, i love him too much to be unkind to him.
i turn quickly before this moment can get any more awkward, and rush up the stairs. my pace is slow once i reach the top, and i begin to brace myself for the potentially scary conversation i'm about to have.
"good luck!" i hear julia call from the bottom of the stairs. i smile in her direction, despite being out of her sight.
my hands shake as i arrive at colbys door. why am i so nervous? after the scene he made earlier, i don't know what's going on. i'm completely in the dark right now, and that's the most terrifying thing when it comes to colby. not knowing where his head is at will be the death of me.
i knock gently on the hard wood surface, waiting for his voice to tell me to come in. when i don't hear anything for almost a minute, i decide to raise my hand again to knock just a little louder.
"hey," he opens the door for me before i finish my repetitive action.
"hi," i stand like a coward in front of him, unaware of what to do or say in this situation.
"i love you."