TW: Mentions of Past Traumatic Experiences
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Flying class was everything Sirius had hoped for and more! The practice games they had begun in class were going well. Peter and one of the Gryffindor first years; the pretty but incompetent at flying Marlene, weren't on Sirius' team and for that he was grateful, since the two of them were probably the worst flyers in their year. But the opposite team also had James, which was definitely a plus for them. They played with the Hufflepuffs, mixed all together instead of just facing them outright, as this was supposed to be "merely for fun."
It was a pretty evenly matched game even though his team lost both the first and second scrimmages. Sirius was disappointed Remus wasn't doing better on the broom, both a terrible Chaser and an even worse Beater. It wasn't until the third scrimmage, in which Sirius fought for him to be the Keeper, that anything changed. He wasn't, truth be told, expecting much from Remus at that point. But with his friends' quick reflexes he was a great Keeper. Good enough that James started taking things a bit seriously, and Remus provided the tipping point needed for Sirius' team to win scrimmage four and five.
"You're brilliant!" Several, perhaps a bit biased. Gryffindor team members encouraged Remus who had gone rather red. Even a few Hufflepuffs acknowledged he wasn't half bad. At this rate, Remus would be on the team in no time!
"Honestly mate, you keep blocking the goals like you've been doing with a little more practice and you could probably be on the team next year!" Sirius pointed out confidently, flying his broom next to his friend's. He was sure Remus would want to play now that he knew he could be good at it. Anyone would want to play Quidditch if they had the skill to. So it hadn't occurred to him that Remus, even if he was good at a certain position, wouldn't want to play.
"Is that what all your encouragement has been about, Sirius?" Remus asked, gripping his broom very tight and sounding rather cross. But Remus didn't have enough time to say anything else as Professor Yasin blew the whistle and they were off flying to get back into starting positions again. This time James was playing Seeker, which he seemed thrilled about. Everything was going fine even with Remus putting in less effort, because he was upset at Sirius for some baffling reason. But at least Remus was still blocking a majority of the Quaffles that came his way.
Then Dorcas, who had incredible skill at being a beater, the position Sirius was hoping to go for next year, whacked the Bludger at a first-year Hufflepuff named Bailey. The boy was knocked to the side slightly and attempted to change course quickly. This caused him to accidentally slam into Remus, who had his eye on Lily who was approaching fast with a Quaffle.
A more seasoned flyer would have been able to stay on their broom with no problem. But Remus had only recently been getting better at flying, and he had never been higher up than he currently was until today.
Remus tried, he really tried to stay in his broom. It went flying and then spinning out of control, hurling to the ground with him clutching for dear life. Sirius immediately tried to reach him. So did James, who although much further than Sirius to begin with, caught up to him, but neither of them was able to reach Remus in time.
"Remus! PULL UP!" they cried in unison. Lily screamed for him to watch out, which was much less helpful advice than what they had yelled.
It seemed Remus heard them both and perhaps tried to do both, but it was too little too late and his broom hit the goal post. Luckily at this point, he wasn't too far off the ground because he fell the rest of the way off his broom, crumpling rather hard. However, it looked like their friend may have hit his head, so Sirius was understandably terrified.
James and Sirius reached Remus at the same time their pale-faced professor did.
"Oh, this isn't good. I'm going to get sacked. I'm going to get sacked," the quidditch instructor fretted, giving Remus a little shake as if hoping he'd simply snap out of it and be fine.
"Professor, he needs the Matron!" some Hufflepuff girl shrieked.
"No, he's fine. He'll be just fine," the older man insisted, his voice rather shaky.
"Professor Yasin, please," Lily pleaded, having landed with the other students a bit back. She, like Sirius, had approached their professor with concern for Remus, who still hadn't stirred.
"Right, yes, of course. One of you will go and get the Matron now," Yasin decided with more of an air of authority to his voice now.
Several people jumped up at once, but Sirius didn't look long enough to see who went. He was beginning to panic that Remus had somehow gone into another coma, and he probably wasn't the only one.
"Oi mate, wake up," James groaned, sounding sick.
"Please, Remus," Lily sniffed.
"Come on you bloody moron, you have to wake up!" Sirius pleaded with him. His shout of anger turned into happiness as Remus let out a soft groan, his eyes fluttering open. Sirius tried to get closer but their professor waved them off, demanding they give him space.
Professor Yasin himself wasn't giving the boy space and had Remus propped up against him. Upon regaining consciousness, Remus let out a strangled shout. Once his eyes flew open he fout feebly to sit up properly and get away. Willing to bet Remus was more distressed at being confined and gripped tightly in some adults' arms than from pain, Sirius shouted to him what had happened, loud enough to make sure he was heard.
"Mr. Black, please be quiet. Mr. Lupin could have a concussion," Professor Yasin spoke up quickly, still trying to keep Remus propped up. Remus however, upon hearing Sirius' explanation, stopped fighting.
"I'm alright. My head just hurts a bit," Remus attempted weakly.
"Yes, I imagine it does." Professor Yasin gave a relieved laugh. He helped Remus up to his feet to the clapping of everyone.
If Remus wasn't flustered before, he sure was now. Sirius took this as confirmation that Remus was in fact just fine. Sirius went to his friend's side, taking over for their professor so he could tell the other students to pack up and end class.
Only Dorcas, Lily, Peter, James, and Sirius stayed with Remus. They all hovered near their friend, who was forced to wait as the class left. Remus had been ordered to sit on the bleachers with an icepack pressed to his head by Madam Pomfrey. The Matron was currently chewing out Professor Yasin with a good deal of anger in her loud voice.
"Blimey mate, you did a good job staying on that broom. Imagine if you had fallen from higher up," James pointed out, sounding impressed.
"Potter, don't be so morbid. Remus doesn't want to think about how he nearly died!" Lily snapped, putting a protective hand on the injured boy's shoulder.
"I didn't really nearly die," Remus gave a slight laugh. The gesture must have hurt him, because he pressed the ice pack a little harder to his head and quickly stopped.
"Well, I for one am glad Madam Pomfrey is giving a piece of her mind to Professor Yasin. He is far too lax and his classes are far too dangerous!" Lily continued heatedly.
"Are not!" James shouted in horror. Sirius nodded his head in agreement.
"James, how can you possibly say that? Remus nearly died!" Lily argued dramatically.
"But he didn't, so it's bloody fine! Don't blame Quidditch. Blame..." James stopped yelling abruptly and gave Remus an apologetic look. "Sorry mate, I didn't mean--"
"No, it's alright. It was my fault. I guess I should have mentioned I missed the class on stopping falls before we started playing." Remus gave them a sheepish smile. Sirius let out a strained laugh.
"Yeah, that probably would have been smart," Sirius concluded, matching Remus' sheepish smile with one of his own.
"Definitely. But hey Remus, if you aren't totally scarred for life maybe you could be the Keeper for when I do extra practice after getting on the team?" James asked eagerly, ignoring a dirty look Lily shot him in retaliation. She muttered something about him being an insensitive berk under her breath.
"I wouldn't mind helping if I have the time. But I'm not joining the team," their stubborn mate replied firmly, giving Sirius a pointed look.
"Remus, why do you have to miss so many classes? I mean, Flying isn't that important but you miss loads of them," Lily blurted. Sirius bit back a grin. Of course Sirius had wanted to point this out, but he had resisted the urge to do so. Only he hadn't brought it up, which meant he wasn't the bad guy. Now he could pry without feeling guilty because it had been Lily's fault this time, not his! He wanted to shout for glee, but turned his attention to James. Potter looked outraged at Lily's comment about their Flying class not being important.
"Hey!" James began gapping at Lily as if she was the dumbest girl in existence. Which she clearly was.
"Oh be quiet, Potter! It really isn't," Lily cut him off dismissively, sparing him an irritated glance before her attention went back to Remus. Her eyes softened with worry. "But Remus, you've missed an awful lot of classes since the beginning of the school year," she pointed out, once more twisting locks of hair around her fingers.
Realizing he still had to be careful in this opportunity to bring things up, Sirius pondered his words carefully, sure to speak in a way that wouldn't out Remus' situation since he was that good of a friend.
"I mean, we all know school is important to you. Surely your parents get that," he commented very innocently, pointedly ignoring the sharp look of irritation Remus shot his way.
"I get good marks so it's fine," Remus replied cautiously, sounding remarkably calm as he ignored Lily's worried look.
"Yes but..." Lily began biting one side of her lip as she fretted over Remus who gently but firmly cut her off before she could start nagging.
"Lily, I promise it's fine. Speaking of grades, what are you all doing for your final potions project?"
Sirius listened, frustrated as the topic turned to classes and marks and what they all expected their finals for the year would be. They talked for a while, Remus occasionally touching the side of his head before the Matron came over and looked him over.
"I should make you come to the hospital ward...." The matron began matter of factly.
"Madam Pomfrey, there's an important Herbology exam tomorrow!" Remus pleaded before she could continue. James scoffed while Lily looked both concerned and awed by Remus' dedication.
"Mr. Lupin!" Madam Pomfrey spoke quite harshly, and Remus flinched and hung his head. She looked cross for a second before her expression softened into the usual concerned, almost guilty look she had whenever Sirius noticed her staring at Remus. "I was going to say that you seem fine. So since you have classes tomorrow I will allow you to return to your dorm if...and only if, you are careful and come to me if your head gets any worse."
Remus nodded, still looking rather abashed and ashamed. Sirius wasn't entirely sure why. He was quite sure students arguing with Madam Pomfrey's medical decisions was part of the job description, even though it was always a losing fight.
"Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, and Mr. Pettigrew, I trust you three will keep an eye on him?" the Matron addressed them with an eyebrow raised, as if she couldn't quite imagine that outcome being likely.
Peter nodded quickly, eyes wide. It was as if he still couldn't entirely believe Remus was turning down a possible excuse to get out of a test, even going as far as to study for it. Sirius wasn't surprised by Remus' decision, but he still doubted his friend's sanity quite a lot.
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey!" James spoke up in his best polite voice.
"Of course, ma'am," Sirius assured, matching James' level of respect.
"Good lads. Now off with the lot of you," Madam Pomfrey dismissed them then returned to chew out Professor Yasin again.
Remus was the first to get to his feet and walk away with his face burning. Sirius was quick to follow after him and heard him whisper "why does it always have to be me?" under his breath.
"Aw, cheer up, mate. You escaped near-death yet again," Sirius called, jovially slapping Remus on the back good naturedly.
"It's bloody impressive if you ask me," James replied, catching up to them. Lily and Dorcas were close on his heels while Peter was lagging behind. Remus didn't slow down, so neither did Sirius.
"Yes well, it would be nice to only have to do that a few times," Remus muttered, seemingly frustrated. Sirius wasn't entirely sure what he meant.
"....It's only been a few times," James pointed out uneasily, shooting Sirius a look that Lily definitely noticed.
Remus noticed as well and blinked a few times, as if reminding himself where he was. Then gave them a grin that didn't altogether look quite right. "Obviously I'm exaggerating," he concluded calmly.
Sirius felt a chill run up him and had to remind himself to breathe. Remus wasn't dramatic unless he was joking along with his mates. However, this didn't seem like his sort of joke.
"You don't exaggerate. Remus, what is going on?" Lily asked in that demanding bossy tone of hers that Sirius currently loved.
Sirius had to give her credit, she sure had guts. Remus looked between all of them, even Peter who had caught up and had completely missed what just happened. Peter looked around as if expecting someone to explain, but no one did.
"You're right, it just feels like it's been a lot of times," Remus managed." I'm sorry, I'm just really irritated since my head hurts so bloody much!"
Sirius grabbed Remus' arm before he could start walking again with his long strides. "It's getting worse?"
"No, it's just...."
"Getting worse!" he repeated again, giving Remus a look of anger and disbelief.
"It's okay, Remus. I'll bring you your study materials. I'll meet you in the hospital ward, yeah?" Lily offered kindly. Remus finally stopped fighting Sirius, nodding in agreement.
"No, we'll meet him in the hospital ward," James corrected, giving Remus a thumbs up. "We won't let you be all alone, don't worry mate."
Lily looked like she wanted to argue but seeing Remus being actually cooperative for once she wisely kept her mouth shut.
"Alright. I'll take him to Madam Pomfrey. Peter and Dorcas, make sure Lily and James don't kill each other," Sirius commanded, appreciating the smirk that Dorcas gave him in response.
"Hey!" Both Lily and James shouted, offended. Then they shot one another disgruntled looks at agreeing on something. Sirius grinned and gently led Remus away from their growing row over who was more immature. Dorcas, who had seemed out of place before, was finally speaking up in order to get James and Lily to shut up and her lovely choice of swear words nearly made Sirius laugh before he caught Remus wincing again.
"Oi, why do you always have to be so stubborn?" Sirius asked in exasperation once they were out of earshot of the others,
"It doesn't hurt that bad," Remus attempted weakly, but Sirius at the moment couldn't find any more of his naturally low levels of patience to draw on.
"Liar!" he shouted angrily, and they walked in bitter silence for a while. "I told you that you don't get to be a bloody hero. I don't care how strong you are or how much of a pain tolerance you have. I don't care how many times you had to help yourself or get no help for your injuries or illnesses or whatever. You need to figure it out already that you're not alone anymore! You aren't alone!"
He was quite proud of his passionate speech. In his mind, he imagined Remus breaking down and confessing whatever it was James knew and he didn't, and all his other secrets while he was at it. It was very touching, in his head at least. Sirius wished he could make his imagination become reality, at least in this case. Sometimes he really hated reality.
Remus did not seem impressed, in fact, he seemed downright angry. "Then stop trying to figure me out! If you want to be friends, if you want to stay friends, stop interrogating me!" he shouted angrily.
Sirius was stunned. Remus had been frustrated with him before, loads of time, even a bit angry on occasion. But never like this, never with such rage in his normally gentle eyes.
"Remus...." he began unsure what to say now.
"No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to make me feel guilty when you're the one picking me apart like some sort of lab rat!" Remus continued with such resentment in his voice. Sirius knew he was missing something. He remained very confused as Remus chucked something that was soft and bounced off his head rolling a little way away from his feet.
"If you want to be friends, stop it. Because if you keep digging we won't be friends. I can guarantee it!" Remus sounded calmer now, more resigned somehow.
Sirius wanted to argue, but the look in Remus' eyes prevented any words he had been thinking of shouting back at him. Remus looked afraid and desperate. Sirius realized he was, too. As Remus cooly told Sirius he could take himself to the hospital wing the Black heir bent over and picked up the piece of parchment he now recognized as the one he had been using to keep track of Remus' disappearances.
His last entry, about Remus leaving on the twentieth, about him leaving around the same time every time was scrawled out angrily. Sirius' messy penmanship was scribbled over in angry yet neat words that read "STOP IT".
As Sirius held the ripped-in-half parchment together to make it whole, he knew he was getting close, really close to whatever it was he had been trying to find out since the beginning of the year.
But as he watched Remus storm off angrily, he was faced with the painful realization. Finding out whatever it was Remus was so desperate to keep hidden might cost him a friendship he really treasured. A friendship he knew he didn't want to be without. A friend he couldn't be without.
Feeling rather numb, Sirius shoved the evidence of his investigation into his robe pocket and walked towards the Gryffindor common room, hoping his head was bent forward far enough that no one could see his tears.