Sirius had calmed down significantly with Remus there consoling him and helping him through this. Yes, he was without a home, but he most certainly had a family, even if not related to him by blood.
Sirius leaned against a big oak tree and studied Remus’ pitiful face, “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry, Sirius? You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Remus said, holding his hand. The feeling of Remus’ warm palm over his wind chilled wingers made a chill run down Sirius’ spinne, in the best way possible.
“Yes I do. You can’t go home either, I’m being selfish,” Sirius said, trying to pull his hand away, but Remus held on to it.
“I understand why I can’t go home. I wouldn’t want to put a baby in danger, especially not my sister, Sirius. If I’m being completely honest, it was as much my choice as it was my mother’s. I can’t help what I become. My mother loves me, I know that, but she also understands that I’m a monster,” Remus didn’t look sorry for himself, but there was sorrow in his eyes, directed towards Sirius. He continued giving Sirius’ hand a squeeze, “But you…you can’t help what you are either and I understand that we’re the same in that manner. The difference between us is that I have a mother who I know still loves me, and you have a family that is cold-blooded and heartless. And you’ve had to grow up with that your whole life; being told that the only way you mattered was to be a pure-blood wizard, excelling in school and steering clear of the common wealth. Being told that differences are ugly. That’s no way to live. You don’t realize how strong I think you are.” Now he let go of his hand.
Sirius had tears in his eyes again, but he could see the blurry outline of Remus’ lips curved up slightly. HE wanted to tell him how much of a difference he had made, tell him that he was the reason he was able to be the strong person that he thought he was. He wanted to tell him that everything he did was for him. That it wouldn’t matter if he had to live on the streets for all of eternity; if he could be with him, he would be happy. Sirius wanted so badly to tell Remus that he loved him.
But instead, he nodded and smiled. And Remus seemed to think that the small gesture was enough.
“Let’s go back to Gryffindor, Padfoot. I need to sit by the fire, its freezing down here,” Remus stood and held out his hand to help Sirius up.
Sirius took his hand and pulled himself onto his feet, “Don’t you want to get dinner?” It was early in the evening. Sirius couldn’t see himself eating tonight, but Remus had to be hungry.
Remus shook his head, “That’s okay, you need someone right now. I don’t think it’s good for you to be alone right now, but I also think that being around a lot of people would be stressful. So you’ve got me. Is that okay?”
Sirius smiled a little and nodded. As they started walking back up to the castle, another thought crept into his mind that wiped the smile off of his face again.
“Moony, are things going to change now that you know?” he asked quietly, his voice just audible above the wind.
“Am I going to look at you differently, you mean?” he verified.
“Yes.”
“Yes. It’s hard not to, but not in the way you think,” Remus said, vaguely.
“What do you mean by that?” Sirius asked, confused and a little intrigued.
“We’ll see,” Remus replied simply.
“We’ll see? You’re a bloody arse, you know that?” Sirius joked, chuckling.
Remus smirked, “I know.”
~~~
“Happy Field Trip Day, Padfoot!” Remus exclaimed, sitting on Sirius’ bed heavily so as to wake him up.
Sirius opened his eyes and groaned, “Yeah, same, can I go back to sleep?”
“Get your lazy arse out of bed,” he said in a perfectly pretentious tone that only he could pull off. “The carriages leave for Hogsmeade in twenty minutes.”
“Fine,” Sirius said, feigning annoyance. However, there was a smirk on his face, for the next moment, he rolled out of bed, quite literally, and fell on the floor, taking Remus down with him.
Sirius laughed as he sat up, finally opening his eyes completely. When he saw what was in front of him, his laughing ceased and he sucked in his breath.
Sirius’ eyes were hardly two inches away from his own, their noses would touch if either one of them breathed, and their lips were too close for comfort, well for Remus’ comfort, Sirius was sure. He himself wouldn’t have minded being even closer.
It was Remus who inched away, as Sirius was frozen in the spot. They were lucky that no one had seen that, or they would hear the end of it.
Sirius snapped himself out of his trance, “I’ll just get ready; do you want to wait for me in the common room?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you down there,” Remus said, his voice showing that nothing had almost happened, his eyes showing something else that Sirius couldn’t distinguish.
Sirius got dressed as quickly as he could, which was hard with the thought of Remus’ lips only an inch away from his own, parted slightly out of shock, or maybe showing a willingness to kiss him…no.
He wrapped his house scarf around his neck and flew down the stairs to meet his friends. To his surprise, Remus was the only one there.
“Where is everyone?” Sirius asked, confused.
“The left a moment ago, I said I’d wait for you,” Remus explained, “Come on, we’re going to be late!”
Sirius couldn’t process Remus’ words, saying that he’d waited for him. That he’d let their other friends go so that he could wait for me. Apparently, his response wasn’t quick enough for Remus, who grabbed his hand with a signature eyeroll and pulled him towards the corridor.
Remus was running down the hallway, trying to make good time. Sirius could keep up with him on a good day, but today was different. Sirius was praying that Remus would stop running. He had fallen about ten paces behind him when a calmly booming voice stopped them.
“Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black, would you please slow down, I can assure you that your friends will not let the carriages leave without you,” Dumbledore spoke to them.
The headmaster had always been fond of their friend group, no matter how much trouble they caused him.
“I’m sorry, Headmaster,” Remus said innocently, “Sirius here was a bit late getting out of bed.”
“Ah I see, well perhaps you should have gone without him,” Dumbledore suggested, leaving Sirius to wonder if he was testing Remus’ loyalty to him.
“I would never do that, he’s my…friend,” Remus said, pausing before the word friend, as if contemplating other words he could use in its place.
“Very good,” Dumbledore said; apparently Remus passed the test. “I would like to speak to Mr. Black for a moment, in my office, if you please.”
Sirius realized that he had been frozen for this entire exchange. He relaxed a bit and opened his mouth to speak, when he was cut off by Remus.
“But Headmaster, what about Hogsmeade?”
Sirius hadn’t even thought about that. He had been ready to go with Dumbledore so easily, but Remus’ question made sense. This was one of the few times they got to enjoy themselves in the town, with no interruptions by educational lessons.
“It seems that something is not in order with Mr. Black’s permission slip, but by all means, go Mr. Lupin. Enjoy yourself,” Dumbledore reached inside his pocket and handed Remus a galleon, “Buy some candy for Mr. Black and yourself.”
Remus opened his mouth to protest, but before he could, Sirius interjected, “Go, Remus, its fine…I’ll see you later.”
“But Sirius…” Remus said, looking confused.
“Go, have fun,” Sirius urged, beginning to walk with the Headmaster to his office. As he got farther, he dared not look around his shoulder, not seeing either possible option (either Remus was still there, watching him leave, or he had gone) particularly inviting.
They arrived at Dumbledore’s office, a place that Sirius had been sent by teachers time and time again. But this time, it didn’t feel like he was in trouble.
In the office, Sirius was immediately drawn to Fawkes, Dumbledore’s pet phoenix. He knew that the young bird liked him, or at least was familiar with him. Fawkes nestled his head into Sirius’ hand when he stuck it through the cage bars. It was such a shame that such a magnificent creature with a brilliant wingspan should be confined to this space, but Fawkes didn’t seem to mind.
“Will you please sit, Mr. Black?” Dumbledore offered the chair on the opposite side of where he sat at his desk.
Sirius followed his request, already beginning to defend himself, “Look, I’m sorry I charmed my permission slip, but my parents-“
“Sirius, please take a deep breath and let it out slowly,” Dumbledore said, looking at him as if he expected him to actually do it. He didn’t speak again, so Sirius followed his steps.
“Good, now, I realize that your family situation is not desirable, and frankly I would easily have let you go on the trip,” Dumbledore said, his voice soothing.
“Then why-“
“Please let me finish,” the headmaster spoke, his tone not changing a bit. “It is my job as Headmaster of this school to make sure every student is safe and stable. I am able to do this because I keep track of incoming mail. I am aware of the letter you received from home recently, and I am deeply sorry for your loss.”
Sirius had come to accept his family’s cold-heartedness, “It’s not much of a loss, really.”
Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully, “No, perhaps not, but there is still the issue of finding you a home, or at the least, a roof to put you under.”
“How do we do that, sir?” Sirius asked. He had thought about this quite a bit and he couldn’t think of anywhere that would accept him.
“Perhaps you could as your friend Remus Lupin if it would be alright to stay at his home temporarily; you boys seem close,” Dumbledore obviously didn’t know about Remus’ home situation, “Or James Potter; his family is very welcoming.”
“I could never ask that of him…” Sirius said sadly. He couldn’t possibly impose this upon his friend, especially without telling him what was going on. And he really didn’t think he could do that.
“I don’t think you realize how wonderful your friends are, Mr. Black,” Dumbledore said, with a raise of the eyebrows. “It would do you good to utilize their kindness.”
After their conversation, Dumbledore sent Sirius back to the Gryffindor common room. The others would be back for dinner, but he thought that Sirius could use this time to think. Sirius contemplated sitting by the fire to sift through and attempt to make sense of the thoughts swimming through his head, but he realized how little use that would be at the moment. What he needed was sleep.
He went up to the boy’s dormitory, expecting to find the peace and quiet in solitude, but he was met with Remus, lying in his bed, Sirius’ bed. Remus didn’t seem to be awake; his chest rose and fell in the calm manor that only occurs when one is sleeping.
Sirius hesitated at first and then climbed into bed next to Remus, after all it was his own bed, and Remus didn’t seem to care about the fact that he was gay. He found himself drifting off into a warm, comfortable sleep.
~~~
Sirius awoke later, unsure of how much time had passed. He assumed he had only been asleep a short time, as the other boys had not returned yet.
He felt a weight draped over him and looked down to see Remus’ arm wrapped around him, hugging him like a Teddy bear. Sirius sighed happily, he wasn’t nervous anymore. Remus was his friend and he had to accept that they would probably be nothing more. He was okay with that, as long as they stayed as close as they were in that moment.
Sirius heard noise downstairs and inferred that the other students had returned. He woke Remus up gently and they made a presence downstairs.
Nothing was awkward, nothing was forced. Everything seemed normal for the first time in a long, long while.