INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – BACKSTAGE – DAY
Nelson enters the studio quietly, and comes up to stand behind Robert. Robert is watching what’s going on onstage.
NELSON
(whispering)
Hey Robert, how’s he doing?
Robert turns to look at Nelson and then makes a throat slitting gesture with his hand. Nelson cringes.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – ONSTAGE
David is onstage. He looks like a complete and utter mess. He’s unshaven. His button-up shirt is buttoned incorrectly, and half of it hangs out of his pants. His normally meticulous hair is unkempt.
DAVID VERDIN
I’ll bet you’re tired of washing your car with your hands. Scrub scrub scrub. What’s the point? It gets dirty again a week later.
He pulls a SPRINKLE-WASH from under the counter.
DAVID VERDIN (CONT’D)
What you need to do is to buy one of these ridiculous contraptions. In order to wash your car, you spend probably about half an hour trying to get it onto your sprinkler head.
David brings a SPRINKLER HEAD up onto the table.
DAVID VERDIN (CONT'D)
But we don't have half an hour.
(to Robert, offstage)
Do we have half an hour, Robert? No, didn't think so. But none of that really matters, because once you get this thing on...it just ain't coming off! It’s as if you asked this thing to marry you ten years ago, it said yes, then lied and ran away. Except it never really ran away. It’s still stuck on your sprinkler head, like some horrible disease, so even if you want to start watering your lawn again, you can’t!
David stops, composes himself.
DAVID VERDIN (CONT’D)
So what I really should be selling this as is a lawn ornament. Futuristic garden gnome.
David turns to the SPRINKLE-WASH, addressing it as if it were alive.
DAVID VERDIN (CONT’D)
What do you think of that idea, Mr. Sprinkle-Wash?
(acting as a ventriloquist)
I think you're an idiot, Mr. Verdin.
(as himself)
And there you have it.
The audience APPLAUDS hesitantly.
EXT. LOS ANGELES – OUTSIDE THE STUDIO – DAY
Nelson waits for David. As soon as David exits the studio, Nelson approaches him. He puts his fist out to fist-bump, but David doesn't even try. David just starts walking down the street. Nelson starts walking with him.
NELSON
I watched some of your pitch, but couldn't stomach it after a while. You're a wreck, David.
DAVID VERDIN
I wonder why that is. Maybe because someone I thought was my friend stabbed me in the back in order to “make great television”. Thanks Nelson. Appreciate it.
NELSON
It's not like that.
DAVID VERDIN
Then what's it like? Please, enlighten me.
David puts a hand to his forehead.
DAVID VERDIN (CONT'D)
What am I talking about? I'm the one who ruined what I had with Claire. And then I did all those stupid interviews.
NELSON
She started it.
DAVID VERDIN
Please, that's not helping. I don't want to keep conducting myself like I'm twelve. I wish I'd never slept with Tessa.
He pulls Claire's ring out of his pocket and stops walking.
DAVID VERDIN
I know it was supposed to just be an act, but I can't stop thinking about her.
Nelson grabs David's shoulder.
NELSON
David, you didn't sleep with Tessa. That was just another camera trick. I thought you knew.
DAVID VERDIN
Knew what?
NELSON
That night you had your one-on-one date with Tessa, you were really drunk. You took off your microphone inside the suite, but you forgot to turn it off. We kept the audio file. If you snore for eight hours when making love to a beautiful woman, then you slept with her. If not...
Nelson shrugs.
DAVID VERDIN
Tessa...she tricked me! I have to...I have to do something. I need to tell Claire, maybe on a reunion show? Could you set that up?
NELSON
I’m tempted, I won’t deny it, but if you really love this girl, you should do something now.
DAVID VERDIN
What about sticking with the plan, doing what’s safe?
NELSON
Forget I said that. Real life and great television are two different things, and one doesn’t always wait for the other.
INT. CLAIRE'S APARTMENT – DAY
Claire is lying on her futon couch in her studio apartment, CRYING. Around the futon couch are several boxes labeled “For Charity” in marker. She gets up and wipes her eyes. The time on her alarm clock reads 2:03PM. Claire heads to the bathroom.
INT. CLAIRE'S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY
Claire flips the light on in the bathroom. She looks at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are red and puffy. She takes off her glasses and splashes some cold water on her face. When she turns off the water she sees the EYE CREAM JAR next to the sink. She dries her face, picks up the jar, opens it, and RUBS some cream on around her eyes. Claire puts her glasses back on and gives herself a “you're tough, you're strong” look in the mirror. She EXITS.
INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO #4 – ONSTAGE – DAY
David is well-dressed, shaven, and groomed. He sits down in a chair opposite the TALK SHOW HOST.
TALK SHOW HOST
I'm so glad you could be here with us today, David. I think I speak for everyone when I say I was surprised to hear about your break-up with Claire. And then things got nasty.
DAVID VERDIN
I wish they hadn't.
TALK SHOW HOST
Really? Your most recent interview with Star says that Claire was an ice queen.
David grimaces and shakes his head.
DAVID VERDIN
When it comes down to it, The Man of Your Dreams was not real life. Very little of it is real. You've got twenty women, living in a mansion, vying for the attentions of one man, while they all go on very unrealistic dates. Most of the people aren’t on there to find love, they’re there to win. In real life, people get hurt. Really hurt.
The talk show host nods while David talks.
TALK SHOW HOST
That's exactly right, David. Which is why we brought on Tessa, your runner-up!
The audience applauds. Tessa enters the stage area. David gets to his feet, looking as if he might dash off at any moment. This is not what he signed on for. Tessa ignores his body language and HUGS him.
TESSA JONES
(in David's ear)
Just play along, David. It'll be good for both of our careers.
Tessa sits down. David hesitates for a second before sitting down in the chair beside her.
TALK SHOW HOST
Thank you for coming in today, Tessa, and on such a late notice.
TESSA JONES
Oh, don't thank me. It's my pleasure.
TALK SHOW HOST
Tessa, you were the runner-up on The Man of Your Dreams. A lot of viewers feel that you were robbed – that you should have won the show.
TESSA JONES
Well that's sweet of you to say.
TALK SHOW HOST
Now that David is no longer in a relationship, do you think there's a chance for you two?
David looks horrified. Tessa looks calm.
TESSA JONES
Well, I won't say that I wasn't hurt when he turned me down for Claire. But he gave me a second chance on the show.
Tessa turns to David.
TESSA JONES (CONT'D)
Even though you picked the wrong woman, I'd be willing to give you a second chance.
The audience AWWS. The Talk Show Host looks smitten. David stares at Tessa for a long beat. And then he starts to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.
DAVID VERDIN
Am I the only one who sees what a horrible actress you are? You're even more of a fraud than I am. Let's do a rundown of our prior relationship, shall we?
TESSA JONES
Oh sweetheart, that's so unnecessary.
DAVID VERDIN
(ticking off fingers)
When we first got together, you were working at a department store. You told me that your dream was to be the manager. But what you really wanted was to be an actress. Remember that producer you spent the night with? You told me he was a friend and that he was gay. You missed my birthday to audition for a play, and you told me it was because your mother was ill. And, of course, when I proposed to you, you said yes, took the ring, and ran off to L.A. You didn't return my calls.
TESSA JONES
That's not exactly how it happened.
DAVID VERDIN
No, that's exactly how it happened. And then you tried to make me think I slept with you on the show.
TESSA JONES
That's simply not true.
DAVID VERDIN
I've got an audio file that says differently.
David pulls out his phone and starts pressing some buttons.
DAVID VERDIN
Let’s see...
Tessa reaches for the phone. David pulls it away.
TESSA JONES
Come now, David. Don’t you think this is getting a tad childish?
DAVID VERDIN
It is now.
He presses a button on the phone.
TESSA JONES (V.O.)
I was young, and I was scared. I thought I was ready for marriage, but I wasn't. I had to pave my own path first.
DAVID VERDIN (V.O.)
Ungh.
TESSA JONES (V.O.)
(chokes back a sob)
But it hurt me too. David, pick me tomorrow. I still love you.
A kissing sound plays over the audio, and then the sound of snoring begins.
TESSA JONES (V.O.)
Dammit.
Tessa makes another grab for the phone and misses.
DAVID VERDIN
And eight hours of snoring later…
He presses another button.
TESSA JONES (V.O)
Oh honey, last night was wonderful.
Tessa finally snatches the phone and throws it on the ground.
TESSA JONES
Maybe I wouldn’t have done that if you’d just given me what I wanted. You were being so difficult!
DAVID VERDIN
What, because I wasn’t madly-in-love, head-over-heels for you anymore? Tell me, what would you have done if you’d won the show?
TESSA JONES
The exact same thing I did ten years ago. Leave you.
DAVID VERDIN
(infomercial persona)
And there you have it.
Tessa gets up from her spot on the couch and EXITS, doing her best to carry her head up high.
TALK SHOW HOST
Wow, well that was...unexpected. Tell me about what just happened here.
DAVID VERDIN
What’s there to say? Tessa is not the woman she pretends to be. She’s a fraud.
(he sobers)
But I’m a fraud too. I didn’t go onto The Man of Your Dreams to find a wife. I went onto the show to make money.
EXT. STREETS OF EAST COAST CITY – DAY
Claire walks down the street, breathing deep and trying to convince herself she's having a nice time. The area around her eyes is reddish-purple. She walks by the COMIC BOOK SHOP. Jesse comes out and grabs her arm.
JESSE
Claire, come on, you've got to see this.
He pulls her inside the shop.
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LOVE IN REALITY is a completed screenplay I wrote a while back. I always wondered how much of a reality show is staged--including the messy breakups at the end. I'll be posting updates every Tuesday and Friday. Please click the star in the upper right to favorite if you enjoyed this!
You can follow me on twitter @AndreaGStewart, find me on facebook, or visit my webpage at http://www.andreagstewart.com. I have several projects in the works, and some of my pieces are available or will be available in various online or paper publications.
And feel free to drop me a line! I love to talk shop!