A strange emotion took hold in the atmosphere at that given moment. Neither of us was sure how we were supposed to respond to each other. We were stuck in the unrecognizable feeling of... Well... We had no name for it. It was quite unfamiliar to either of us. Perhaps it was an uncertainty. We weren't sure how the other would react, yet we remained in our statued positions just to find out.
"Mathias, I..." Derrick began to speak, but didn't seem to have any words to match what he was trying to say. I only stared, I myself, unable to say anything to break what had become of my peaceful state of mind. Burgundy calmed himself, seeing as how I was showing him that I didn't feel threatened by Derrick. This could have been only on the outside.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him the first thing that came to be processed in my unfaithful mind.
His look turned vacant and completely distant. He seemed to tremble as he spoke and for the very first time, his voice cracked. "I killed her." Seeing as how I could see his eyes, tears began to well in them. "I killed her." He repeated in a whisper.
I stared at him, my mouth slightly parted as if about to say something. Yet again, I had nothing to say. What could have been said? She was completely either insane, evil, or both, but she was his mother... He ended her life and it had to leave a stinging wound.
"I came here because it's the only place I have left to go." He sadly gazed at me. "I knew nothing about the people I was meant to take to her, but when I finally got to know them, I once again began to hate my mother with a passion." I nodded, allowing him to speak. I was still angry with him for what he had done, but I needed to hear him out. Especially since I knew his crooked heart was leaning towards the right place.
I motioned towards a nearby smooth rock, hoping he would catch on that I wanted him to sit. He did. His whole stature seemed to be a completely different person altogether. He no longer had his dark-colored clothing, he no longer wore his hair to cover his face, and most of all, he expressed emotion. He changed, but he changed for the better. I liked to think that it was because of Angeli and I. It could be that we had shown him something he may not have experienced before: friendship.
"I was already in a heated hate-love relationship with my mother. I hated her because she used me. She used me because I hated her. I was her gatherer. I gathered what she wanted and waited for my next task once they were dead. I despised it, I truly did, but what could I do? She had people everywhere. No matter where I tried to go, she would always find me. I could never escape what she was causing me to go through." He paused. "She became... Something I can't describe... It's not even enough to say she was a monster. Once my father died, she was left with a month-old son that she had to raise on her own. I have never known her sane side, from before my birth, but I knew her insanity all too well."
"Why did this time make a difference to the other times you've done this? You could've just done the same thing and not have had to worry about going through all this." I was only confused in a small portion, but he quickly clarified it.
"It's as she says. You're no normal person, Mathias. I could say the same for Angeli. You two... You hold bonds with every person you speak to. Naomi loved Angeli to pieces, like a best friend she had wished to keep. In turn, Angeli feels the same towards you. And to be honest, I saw this as a clear reason to change my fate. It was set in stone, but have you ever tried to explode that stone and create a new one?"
"Many times..." I admitted, grinning a bit.
"I wish I could have stopped so many of the people you knew from dying, but the Rich Guards were hot on my case. That's why they were always trying to get at us. That's why they delayed us at the asylum. They were punishing me without confirming their suspicions. Then... Then the line was drawn and they crossed it." He closed his eyes. Once they were opened again, the once-blue eyes seemed to burn with an electric rage. "She came into that room next to yours. It was when I ran out, remember? She was telling me... Telling me everything I had helped her do... All I had allowed to happen."
My heart lurched. It was no wonder by Derrick had never expressed emotion before meeting us. All his emotions were wasted on a select few: guilt, pain, and many other related feelings.
"I was a puppet to the puppet master. Even though I wanted to cut the strings and allow myself to move freely, they were more like wires than string - almost impossible to cut alone. She told me she hated me. Not just for no reason. I wouldn't have minded if she only said that. But here's what got me: She hated me because I was useless to her, a thing she could throw away at her disposal, a thing she never wanted to exist."
I stared in stunned silence as Derrick seethed with anger. Burgundy's fur bristled. He could feel the distress too. How could a mother hate her own child for existing? Had she not been the one to carry it for a little under a year? How repulsive... disgusting. Unimaginable, even. Yet, when I looked at Derrick, I became even more awestruck. Who would hate someone like Derrick? Sure, he had his faults caused by his mother's doing, but he was a pretty great person otherwise. I bet if his plan wasn't to make us into meals, he would have helped me with Trevor either way.
I heard someone behind me carefully inch their way towards me. Angeli sat beside me, looking up at Derrick with sympathetic eyes. "You could have told us, Derrick. We would have helped you."
"Would you have? And even if you did, it would have dragged you into a mess that was mine to clean up. It was better this way." I supposed Angeli had heard our conversation. I rested my hand on hers. She glanced at me. We both had the same thing running through our trains. The train of thought, that is.
"So you were alright with sparing a few lives here and there?" My brother's voice asked suddenly. He was leaned against a tree, also seeming to have been listening. My senses were terrible. I didn't notice all these people were listening in. Actually, in reality, it wasn't that many people, but two was one too many.
"No, of course not... If I could have, I would've avoided it. The Rich Guards had gotten a hold of almost everybody that came in contact with Mathias."
"Right. Why is that?" Trevor crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at Derrick. I could tell Trevor wasn't going to trust Derrick for anything. For all we knew, Neyla could have still been alive.
"My mother had the crazy idea that what Mathias has could be contagious. He wanted him killed and consumed to see if his abilities and strength could be given in that way." He made a disgusted sort of face. "She resorted to consumption of humans right when everything went to hell. She didn't even want to think of possibly hunting animals. She found herself a spot as the Rich Queen and I naturally became the prince. The title never suited me, many noticed it. I just wish I could have somehow stopped her, but I was far beyond scared of her."
"What strengths and abilities?" Angeli asked, clearly confused.
"I'll tell you later." I told her quietly, not quite sure how to explain it to her.
"Either way, you could have made more of an effort. Why let her control you the way she did?" Trevor had his eyebrows knotted, a slight anger beginning to grow.
"What kind of question is that, Trevor? You know exactly why. She could have had me killed and what good would that have done? She would have just made someone else take my place."
"So why didn't you kill her first?"
"I'm not so quick to kill as you are!" Derrick stood, seething with anger.
"You know that's no longer a valid argument! Besides, your band of Riches had me under surveillance with courtesy that belonged to you." Trevor accused.
"Wait, back up a bit... What?" I asked, wide-eyed.
"Derrick wasn't just a gatherer. He was like my parole officer, but he also made me follow his commands. That time I cut your hand? He made me do that. I had to play an act for him whenever you were around. After a while, I just gave it up and tried to convince you to stay away from him. Looks like I wasn't the only one holding up an act."
"That wasn't an act! At first, sure, but I started to really want to help them. You wouldn't know about aiding others, would you? All you do is-"
"Stop there before you end up with a black eye to match your heart." My brother growled at him. "You came here looking for us to take you back in, but you're not coming anywhere with us."
"That's a group decision, Trevor." I warned carefully.
"You're seriously considering letting him back in with us? Really?"
"Think about it, Trevor. Why would he have any reason to lie about this? He obviously has blood on his shirt and he's pretty much unwounded. That blood can't be his. He killed her, that much is true. I'm not saying I trust him completely, but give him a chance to regain himself. We can at least do that much." I held ground, picking neither of their sides. I was picking both.
Trevor stood, staring at Derrick with an intensely focused gaze. He sighed, coming to reason. "I just can't let go what you've done to us, Derrick. Sam..." He averted eye contact.
"Yes, I know... Forgiveness is something I know I'll have to earn, but in the mean time, I know I can still help you. Where are you planning on going?"
"The Poor country." Trevor stated. Derrick nodded, full of thought.
"I know the place well. I could help you settle in, find a new start." He then looked to Angeli and I. "Believe me when I say that I've always only wished the best for you. I may not have a pure heart, but I do have a pure mind. My mind tells me what my heart can't." Angeli smiled faintly, those words seeming to comfort her.
"This might just be because I'm easy to convince, but if Derrick's willing to regain our trust, why deprive him of proving what he's said?" Angeli said to my brother and I. I looked towards Trevor.
"You have to admit it - we need him. Plus, it can't hurt to have a friend." I shrugged. "Just know Derrick, that this doesn't guarantee that we'll automatically assume you're trustworthy again. You left a pretty big scar. Only you can allow it to finally disappear."
He nodded rather eagerly, then looked to Trevor. My brother sighed and outstretched a hand. "Kill us and I'll kill you even if I'm dead." He chuckled light-heartedly and Derrick took his hand, giving it a firm shake.
"Wouldn't doubt it." Derrick smiled, a smile Trevor returned. "See, Trevor? He's really not that bad." I thought.
Burgundy felt the happy feeling in the air and contentedly began barking and prancing around us, his little excited yips seeming to amuse Angeli. Trevor kept an eye on Derrick as Derrick watched us. I had my arm around her, enjoying her amusement. Her giggles seemed to match Burgundy's yips. Let it be said that she wasn't the only one extremely amused.
---
Trevor still didn't seem to trust Derrick. I knew it would take a very long time for him to be trusted once again, but in many ways, I couldn't blame him. Even I had become a bit distant from him. We didn't even trust him to lead us in the direction of the Poor country. We asked for directions and made him follow us. He would be condemned this way for a while. He would somehow regain our trust, but until then, he wouldn't be calling any shots soon.
The beginnings of spring were locking into place. The snow was melting a tad, though it was still chilly. It would come in time, I knew. At the same time, I didn't want winter to leave, in fear of it never returning.
My mind had become very occupied. I was still trying to figure out how to tell Angeli about the things I held within me, but I knew I would have to at some point. Staring at her, I began to notice changes in her I hadn't seen before.
She seemed a lot more happier, more carefree and free-spirited. A lot of crappy things had happened to both of us, but she was somehow still content with the very few things she had. She looked as if she had become a lot more self-reliant. She had begun to figure things out on her own, like opening our cell door in that God-forsaken building. Maybe she just needed a knight to protect her while she began to explore the world alongside him, in turn, picking up his capabilities and strengths.
It brought joy to me to know that this whole thing wasn't a waste. I met amazing people that I could never forget, some impossible to forget. Some I may not ever be able to see again in a long time, but it still didn't mean this whole ordeal was best to have never experienced. I could have never said that without laughing afterwards.
We had decided to make our way back to Sweden and stay there for a while, hoping to catch ourselves a well-deserved break. I was more than worn-out. I was mentally and physically exhausted. Oh, how I would have gone for a cup of coffee right then... With milk and sugar, of course. I despised bitter foods.
For once in the longest time, I felt complete. I had received many answers to my questions. I now knew what I had wanted to know. I lost what had been lost, but in the end, they were never mine to lose to begin with. If so, then why did I still feel guilty?
"How could you think that?" Angeli asked when I finally sat down and talked to her about all this. At this point, we were back in Norway, about to cross the large span of water back to Sweden.
"It's just an old ache." I shrugged, feeling a bit glum about it. She kissed my cheek.
"Then hurry up and heal it, starfish." She grinned slightly, then walked down to the sandy ground near the water. Derrick stood there, looking out at the vast sea. "How large is the sea?" I wondered. "How far does it go before it ends?"
I sighed, feeling a sudden weight crush me suddenly. How long could I go before I ended? Many people have feared death, saying they're not ready to die. It is, after all, one of the many things that has never been able to be thoroughly explained and understood. But when will one willingly admit that they're ready? Is anyone ever ready for the bony hand that comes knocking at their door?
I would think not.
Once again, I sighed, looking at Angeli who was chasing Burgundy around on the shoreline. I smiled, watching their interaction. She had really grown attached to him, I noticed. They were inseparable, the little red heads they were. Derrick was laughing, seeing as how Angeli had tripped over a stick and face-planted on the sand. Burgundy had gone to try and help her, but he had no opposable thumbs. He was grab-less.
I wish I could have been as happy as she was. How selfish was it to still not feel satisfied? All I wanted was my brother back and a few answers to satisfy my curiosity. What I got in return was a lot more than I had asked for. This was more than I wanted, but why couldn't I feel at ease with myself and the environment around me?
Resentment. I rested my chin on my palm, propping up my head. Resentment. I frowned deeply, the sudden emotion beginning to sink in. Resentment. Yes, that had to be it. I was holding a grudge against something, but what? Out of all these horrid things, what was it that was eating away at me on the inside?
It was the Earth I had learned to live on, changing me to become something far from what the rest of my species expected of me. I was now a freak of nature because of my own home. "How could you?" I asked the sea. "And why me? How did it affect only me?"
I couldn't wish this upon anybody else, but having someone else to suffer along with me would have been nice. That way, I wouldn't have been forced to suffer alone. It was getting rather repetitive, suffering.
Trevor walked out of the woods from behind me, holding a large buck over his shoulder. "Dinner," He explained as he plopped it on the ground. I smiled a thanks, but he frowned in return. "What's bothering you?"
"Huh?" I asked in return.
"I know you, Mathy. You have this weird look in your eyes when you're anxious about something. What is it?" I shook my head in disbelief.
"Two years and you still know me like we've been together during that time." I grinned. He sat beside me, wiping his hands on his light blue jeans and tilting his head to face me.
"You never forget the things that are always on your mind." He said softly, his eyes scanning the horizon line. "Are you going to tell me what's up?"
"Well... It just feels like something else is missing. Or are we missing something? Either way, I just want this to all be over, these weird emotions, this strange thing I've become. I want it to be over." I exhaled deeply, my eyes lighting up like two burning oaks in the night.
"I hate to tell you this, but this is all far from over." He said softly, his eyes unfocused and looking out at a vast nothingness.
"What do you mean?" I asked, watching the slowly setting sun in the distance, hoping I would live to see it rise once more. I waited silently for a few seconds and then glanced at him, watching his empty expression.
He didn't answer.