I wiped the blood off of my sword, careful not to let any of the steel touch my bare skin. I hummed to myself while doing so, the same routine of fighting and killing becoming nothing less than normal.
When I was finished, I quickly sheathed it and took a step back, observing the newly won village. It didn't feel much of a victory, considering how easily we managed to drive out the Kingsmen, but anything we could get, we would take.
General Washington was discussing with the leader of the village, no doubt being showered in thanks for our services or whatnot.
It was a small settlement, barely big enough to earn the rank of town, but its position between two rivers and its location inside the region of Pilésion made it somewhat valuable. The people of the town made a living off of the trade and the docks that rested on both sides of the island.
I had no interest in what the others had interest in. Talking to the citizens casually, recounting stories, making sure everybody was okay. None of those things were exactly my strong suit, and I think we were all okay with the roles that everyone had taken up. Instead, I stood next to a tree and watched carefully for any more attacks or something that could put everyone's life in harm's way.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pull on the sleeve of my coat.
I looked down to see a little girl, hardly older than four or five, staring up at me with wide innocent eyes that were almost afraid. She held up something to me.
"Hi," she murmured timidly, her arms extended as far as they could go to offer me the gift.
I smiled welcomingly at her and slid down into a sitting position, accepting the small doll that somewhat resembled a winged horse from her hands as lightly as possible. "Thank you so much! I'll take good care of them. What's your name?"
It hurt that a child so small could be at the center of a war so big.
"I'm Mary! And that's Jack!"
"Really? That's a beautiful name! You know, I have a sister named Mary." I held out my hand to her, trying to hide my amusement at how small hers was compared to mine. "I'm Thomas. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance!" I teased softly.
She smiled, proud of herself. "Are your wings real?"
I nodded. "Aren't they cool?"
"Are you one of the bird persons that my mother tells me about?!"
"I guess I am! I hope you've heard nothing but good things about us, though I guess we can be a little... birdbrained sometimes, no?"
She giggled, though probably more at the delivery than at the joke itself. "Thank you for getting rid of those people. They were mean."
"They were mean," I gently agreed. "Have you started learning magic yet?"
She shook her head, mouth falling open as if she couldn't believe what I had said. "My mamas won't let me learn magic," she said the word quietly. "They say it's dangerous."
"It can be dangerous, but that's why we have to learn how to do it! So we can control it and keep the people we care about safe. Here, I'll show you what to do. Close your eyes and reach out with your mind."
She did as I instructed.
"If you focus really hard, you can see a bunch of glowing blobs. That's energy, our life force."
The little girl gasped. "I see them!"
I taught her how to control it, how to harness it for her needs, and a small easy spell that took next to no effort at all while transforming the energy into small firefly like dots of light.
"Thank you!" she smiled, still struggling with the spell. Then, she pointed at my shoulder. "You have a bird!"
I glanced, unaware of the creature that had landed. Amica blinked back at me as I scooped him up carefully and held him out for Mary to see.
"This is Amica," I said carefully. "He's one of my oldest friends. Amica, this is Mary. One of my newest friends."
Mary giggled.
"Nice to meet you!" Amica chirped slowly, though he knew as well as I that Mary would be unable to understand him. He spread his wings and flew a few laps around her before taking up residence on her shoulder, chirping contentedly though nonsensically.
I watched for a while as the two played with each other, Mary holding out her fingers for Amica to land on and trying to pet him. A thought occurred, and I smiled softly to myself and closed my eyes, pouring energy behind my newest creation.
The giggling slowed, replaced by an exclamation of pure awe as the flowers sprung up all around me. Multiple different colors and shapes flew into the air, weaving themselves together until a rough shape was formed.
"Here," I said, handing her the bird crafted from flowers when it was finished. "This is for you. In exchange for the pegasus."
The smile on Mary's face reminded me why I fought for what I did in the first place. It reminded me of my family, of my home, of all the innocent lives I hoped to save.
Before either of us could speak next, a voice sounded above the clamor and conversation of the village.
"Mary! Maaary! Where are you?!"
A dark expression passed over Mary's face. "Sorry. I think I have to go now."
"There you are!"
A pair of hands scooped her up, the voice they belonged to apologizing profusely.
"I'm so sorry, sir." The woman wouldn't meet my eyes. "She didn't mean any harm."
"And there was no harm done."
The woman dipped her head and scrambled away as quickly as possible. It wasn't hard to tell that she didn't want to be associated with a Avion.
I waved goodbye to Mary, who stared at me over the shoulder of who I presumed to be one of her mothers. She waved back to me with one hand, clutching the doll I had given her in the other.
I couldn't stop the smile that rose to my face or the light feeling that filled my chest.
But the moment was short lived.
Feeling eyes on me, I turned. "What?" I demanded.
"Nothing," Aaron returned, though his grin suggested otherwise.
~•~
I stared at the blank wall, forcing myself to think only of that and of nothing else. I couldn't let my mind slip. I couldn't let it wander. So instead, I traced the grooves and I traced the imprints of the blank wall.
It hurt.
Hurt in a way I had never hurt before. A searing, blinding pain that burned hotter than fiery coals. It tore me into pieces from the inside as it cackled and cheered.
I never cry.
And yet, tears were pooling in the corners of my eyes.
A feral part deep inside of me was screaming to be let out, demanding my submission to it. Somehow I knew that if I caved in for even a second, it would win. And I would lose everything.
I couldn't really bring myself to do anything. Even more pain racked my body with each movement I made, so in order to minimize it, I tried my best to stay as still as possible. My hands were itching to write a letter, and my mind wanted to listen to a soothing melody, but I couldn't do any of those things.
I whimpered, forcing my eyes shut to chase away the tears and returning to the wall.
The feral side of me was winning.
I was losing.
A knock on the door.
My body tensed up, a gasp escaping my mouth. It was Alexander. He would see me like this, weak and afraid and alone and in pain. And he would ask, and what lie could I tell him? He'd find out, but how would he respond?
"Thomas?"
Relaxed isn't the word I'd use, but I was put somewhat at ease when I identified the voice as Angelica's.
She already knew.
"Thomas, can I talk to you?"
"Come in," I said, wincing as the words barely rose above a ghostly whisper.
I heard the door open slowly and somehow managed to turn around. She stared at me for a moment. I tried for a smile, but she obviously didn't fall for it at all judging by the horror in her gaze.
"Thomas?" It came out as a murmur, disbelieving and lost at first. She didn't make any attempts to move.
"I'm okay."
Angelica crossed the room in three strides and grabbed my arm. I wanted to pull away, to deny her help.
I can't force this on anyone else.
A tingling ran through my body after a second, the familiar pulse of energy. The pain cleared and I was able to breathe again. Disgusted with myself, I slid away from her, keeping my eyes on my hands.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm a monster."
She sounded more tired than concerned. "That's not true Thomas. And that doesn't answer my question. Are you okay?"
I nodded and looked up at her. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened."
"Your eyes."
"What's wrong with my eyes?"
She sighed and conjured up a mirror. I stared into it, my stomach sinking.
This could not be happening.
Their color had completely changed into a bright catlike amber, the round pupils replaced with slits. I barely recognized the person staring back at me.
I turned away, some childish foolish part of myself hoping that if I ignored it long enough, it would disappear.
"Here," she murmured, sitting down next to me. "I think I can change them back." I waited as patiently as I could, and she withdrew a few moments later, looking less than pleased. "That should do for now."
"How long do I have left?"
For the first time since I had met her, Angelica was at a loss for answers. "I don't know Thomas," she answered truthfully after silence. "I really don't know."
I couldn't be doing this by myself. There was no possible way that I was the only one to be going through this, that there were no documented accounts or stories of people slowly shifting into Tenebrie.
"Do you know what happened? To bring on the pain, I mean."
"Oh, uh, I'm not really sure."
"So we don't know if we prevent it at all?"
I lowered my eyes and shook my head, knowing exactly what she was implying. There was no surefire way that we could stop this from happening in front of my friends. And what would we do then?
"How do you feel?"
"Tired. Hungry. In pain."
"Maybe you should get some sleep. Do you want to move back to one of the rooms in the infirmary wing?"
I shook my head slowly, eyes still focused on the blanket in hopes that it would mask the pools of emotion forming in them.
"Okay," Angelica sighed, leaning back against the wall. "Shit Thomas. What are we going to do?"
"We fight this until we can't fight it anymore."
"I know you don't like it, but you're going to have to tell the others."
"No."
"Thomas—"
"No."
"You're being unreasonable."
"Perhaps. But when they find out, how long do you think it'll take them to put my head on a stake?"
"Do you really think that low of all of us?"
"The only person you can depend on for your survival is yourself."
Angelica sighed again, but for once, she didn't argue. "Well, I better be going then. I'll see you later, and if it happens again or gets worse, come and find me, okay?"
"Okay," I said, lying.
After she left, all I could think about was that little girl I had met a few hours prior.
What would happen if when I transformed, I killed a child just like her?