A/N: sorry for the wait again!! it's almost one am on a school night now that i wrote this so i really hope you like this. it's a bit short and maybe boring sorry. love u!! don't be afraid to send feedback.
song: dazed and confused by Led Zeppelin.
"what are you-" my mouth that was full of questions, was now shut with one long slender finger held up on my lips.
"Jill..." was all that came out from his mouth.
then it happened. soon it wasn't his finger on my lips, it was his lips. his soft lips touching mine. a feeling i hadn't experienced in a long time. of course i had kissed, last time about fifteen minutes ago, but it was Roger. not Brian. i hadn't kissed Brian in years, but nothing had changed.
with lips so soft and sweet, it was weird how chrissie could keep her lips off of Brian.
as his warm palm was caressing my flushed cheek, the world around us faded away, and i didn't think about anything. i forgot everything. everyone.
but that moment didn't last so long when i felt his - attractively big - hand started wandering around my body. it went from my neck to my chest, from my chest to my hip. our lips were still attached to each other but now it didn't feel so good. it felt bad. i felt guilty. i let someone else than Roger touch my body like that, and i hated myself for it.
before his hand could get anywhere else, i quickly pulled away, with a puzzled look on my face, i didn't see myself but i knew i had it.
"Brian what the hell are you doing?!" i exclaimed. almost yelling.
"Jill i'm so sorry i-" the lust in his eyes started fading away and soon there was the look of guilt. it kind of made me sad, if i'm honest.
"i love Roger." i furrowed my eyebrows and took one step away from him.
"he doesn't deserve you. you know that right?" he said with a sad tone "look, i know we ended things a while ago, but you can't deny the nights we used to spend together weren't the best nights you've had. or the hot summer days when we were by the lake and you listened me going crazy about astrophysics for hours - which i'm sorry you had to go through." he chuckled sadly.
why was he saying all this? why now? what did he mean that Roger doesn't deserve me? i was loss of words. i had no idea what i was supposed to do. should i just run away and avoid him for as long as possible? should i stay here and talk things through? what the hell did people do in situations like this?
"why- what- you have chrissie! don't you love her?!"
"i do. but i couldn't love anyone else more than you. even as friends. you're always going to be so important to me that you have no idea. and no i'm not going to ask you to leave everything and be with me, nor am i going to give some monologue on how i want you to be mine. i'm just saying that you deserve the best, and that i'll never stop loving you." his mouth corners turned into a small, almost invisible, smile. even though i was talking loudly and almost even panicking, he remained calm. the look in his eyes was almost enough to sooth me, but it wasn't exactly it. it wasn't his eyes that i wanted to look at.
that's when i felt my eyes getting a little watery. i had nothing else to do or say than...
"i will always love you too Bri. but not like that." i wiped my eye, not intentionally smudging my mascara a little.
i grabbed the door handle and opened it.
then the feeling of my heart getting stabbed was there again. the blonde drummer, who owned my heart, stood still in front if the door, with his one hand up in a fist. i assumed he was just about to knock on the door.
"hi Roger." i said with the mist pretentious smile.
"hi... Jill..? what were you doing there? i was just about to come get Brian, he's very much needed in the rehearsal. is he there?" he asked with eyebrows furrowed. something about the way he looked at me said that he was super mad.
"um yeah! i was just checking him out, asking if Chrissie was here." i lied. he probably knew it was a lie. he looked at my lips, raising his eyebrows, and he did not seem happy at all. i quickly moved out of the way so he could see Brian. i looked at him quickly and saw his slightly red stained lips, and then i remembered...
i had put on that one red lipstick before, that i knew got messed up everytime something touched my lips, so of course it got smudged by the kiss. it was now obvious, Roger wasn't that dumb after all.
"what the fuck?" he suddenly exclaimed, looking at the tall, curly haired man in front of him with hands crossed.
Brian didn't say anything. he was too confused, scared, guilty and startled by Roger's sudden presence. i couldn't blame him, i was too.
"i guess Chrissie wasn't here, was she? you two were lucky, got to suck each other's faces off huh? even more?" he said, the sarcasm and sadness in his voice was obvious.
i hated when things like this happened. i knew he would never believe me, or he would just call me a slut or a bitch or something. i hated that. i hated this. a tear rolled slowly down my cheek and i sniffled a little.
"Rog. Mate, i kissed her. it was me all me, not her." Brian suddenly broke the awkward silence and the tension that had built between us. Roger just scoffed in response, like i knew he would.
i grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room to the hallway with me, not saying a word to Brian. the quiet sobs of Brian soon being muffled by the door closing. didn't know what to say to Roger. i knew he wouldn't believe anything i had to say, i just wanted him to know that it really wasn't what he thought it would be. for my surprise, he didn't even run away, he didn't start yelling, he didn't raise his hand... nothing. i got nothing out of him, so i started talking.
"what Brian said was true. it was him. i was just about to head to the little bar, but he pulled me there and then it just happened i didn't know what was going on! it all happened so fast i couldn't stop it." i started rambling on and on, it felt like i couldn't shut up. but what made me finally shut up was a loud cry that came out of my mouth, my face red and soaked from the tears already.
he crossed his arms, not even looking at me. i got nothing. no reaction. nothing.
"please just say something. i don't know... yell at me. hit me! i deserve it." even i was startled by my own words, let alone the shocked expression that appeared on Roger's face. probably the whole floor heard it.
he looked at me with a weird expression that i couldn't really tell what it meant. was he angry? sad? i didn't know.
"go ahead!" i cried out, more tears falling down.
"no." he said quietly. his eyes were red and puffy, glistening from the tears that threatened to fall down from his ocean eyes. "i really have some important things to do, i'll come back to our room later and we'll talk." he said as walked past me. something about those words, and his tone that had changed a bit, comforted me and made me feel relieved.
"you're fucking ubelievable." he muttered as he walked off.
i slumped my back against the wall, with my hands on my face. i let out a groan. why did we keep doing this? we did all these things and always the other one was unhappy in this relationship. i loved him too much to ever change that. to ever break it. to ever stop that. why did all this have to happen to us? why were we never happy? would it be just better if i started things over... if i left somewhere else..? all these questions started popping up in my head and i felt something turning inside me. like i had just gotten an idea or something.
i shook my head, as an attempt to get the thoughts out of my head, and walked to the room me and Roger shared. i couldn't go to the bar anymore, first of all i wasn't in the mood, and i looked like i just went swimming with my makeup on. not a great look on me.
***
i was laying on the bed. almost asleep, but i could hear every sound that came from the room next to us, or from the busy city outside. my eyes felt heavy. then i closed them. i could feel myself slowly drifting to sleep, when just at the same second, the room door was opened.
light footsteps coming closer to me. i recognized those to be Roger's, and my heart started beating slightly faster.
i felt a warm hand on my arm and i turned around, on my back, so i could see him. he was standing beside the bed, looking down at me. i couldn't see his face, so i couldn't tell if he was happy or not. or if he was still angry with me.
"sorry, did i wake you up?" he asked softly, almost whispering.
i shook my head. "no, not really."
"it took a bit longer than i expected." he said with no emotion. it sounded like he didn't even want to talk, which i understood, kind of.
he walked away to the other side of the bed, took off his shirt, jeans and socks. as he was just in his boxers, like how he usually slept, he laid down on the bed and put the duvet over his almost naked body, back facing me.
usually he would put his arm around me or maybe even kiss me goodnight, but not now. so i came a bit closer to him and put my hand on his arm, just like he did earlier.
i thought i'd get back a warm smile. i thought he'd maybe turn around and hug me... but no. he coldly yanked himself out of my touch, without saying a word. that felt like a bullet just went throught my heart. i slowly took my hand away and backed off, turning around so my back faced him as well.
the silence was almost uncomfortable, i loved to fall asleep with sweet words from Roger against my ear and the skin of my neck, but now all i heard was his slow breathing. though his breath was enough to sooth me, to make me feel alright.
***
i was suddenly woken up by the bright light of the sun shining through the big window. i groaned quietly and rubbed my eyes, then looked at the clock. only 8 AM.
i sighed and looked over to the other side, where i was expecting to see the blonde drummer, in deep sleep, but all i saw was an empty space. i quickly sat up, my breath quickening a little with my heartbeat. where was he? did he leave me?
i looked around and stood up. then i saw a small piece of paper on the dark wooden nightsand by my side of the bed.
"had to go rehearse early."
then i remembered that their first concert of the tour was tonight. i continued reading the messy handwriting that i found adorable.
"i'll be back in a few hours and we can go to eat and talk if you want.
R."
and that was it. i couldn't tell if he was angry or if he was just sad, but trying to make it work. for my surprise, he handled this like a grown up. he had every right to be mad, but he also was willing to talk things through, and that gave. me a little bit of hope.
hope that maybe i could stay. maybe.