It was September. The sun had just set, but there was still enough lingering light for Uncle Peter and me to find our way to the Main House. A harvest moon hung low and swollen in the dusty sky like a huge, dirty pumpkin.
I swung into stride next to Uncle Peter. "Which Disney Princess would you marry?" I asked.
He sucked air through his teeth. "That's a difficult question," he admitted. "I'm going to have to get some clarification first... Are we talking just 'dating' or actual 'marriage'?"
"Marriage."
"Do all the princesses speak English?"
"Why wouldn't they?"
"Well... Mulan was Chinese, so she'd speak Mandarin. Esmeralda and Belle were both French. Cinderella was Russian..."
"All right. Let's say... there's no language barrier, and everyone speaks English."
"Would I need to live with the princess in HER world, or would she live in mine? For example, if I married Jasmine, would I need to spend the rest of my life in 17th century Agrabah surrounded by Muslims? Or if I married Tiana, would we need to live as an interracial couple in Louisiana during the 1920s? Because neither of those sound appealing."
"The princess would be the one to move."
"In that case, I would choose Belle."
"Belle? From 'Beauty and the Beast'?" I questioned as we approached the house.
"Yes. Why not?"
"I thought you'd pick Cinderella."
"No way," he answered emphatically. "Cinderella was pretty, but she was a total doormat."
"What about Snow White?"
"Hell no! There were literally rabbits and birds in that movie who were smarter than her. Remember how the animals could tell the old woman was the evil queen in disguise, but Snow White was clueless?"
"So why did you pick Belle?" I asked, stepping onto the porch.
"She's intelligent, curious about the world, well-read, and wicked hot," answered Uncle Peter as we entered the dark living room.
"What if th—"
"SURPRISE!!" cheered a huge crowd of people in unison. I was so startled, I started to reach under my jacket for my pepper spray. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" The room was decorated with dozens of colorful balloons and streamers. Everyone wore pointy party hats, though Cassie wore her's over her face like a bird's beak.
"Were you surprised!?" asked my "little" sister, who towered ten inches above me.
"Yes," I admitted with one hand still clutching my heart.
"Congratulations on turning sixteen!" rejoiced Nichole, giving me a warm hug. "Quite a milestone in a young woman's life."
That's when I noticed Gina looking preoccupied and breathing heavy. "Are you okay?" I asked.
"I didn't... (rapid-breathing) ...want to... (rapid-breathing) ...distract everyone... (rapid-breathing) ...from your party... (rapid-breathing) ...But I've gone... (rapid-breathing) ...into labor." By this point, the whole room was listening to her, including her husband, Colin.
"When did you start?!?" he asked.
"About two... (rapid-breathing) ...hours ago."
That's when Holly, Roxanne, and Leslie snapped into action, moving Gina to her bed. The timing couldn't have been better. Just as my party was winding down, a shrill cry of a newborn shot from the delivery room. Gina had given birth to a healthy baby boy she named Garry. That gave everyone an excuse to keep celebrating. But I went to bed.
As I laid under the blankets, the sounds of the party blended into an incomprehensible cacophony. I closed my eyes and melted into the soft mattress.
---------------------------------------------------
A month after my sixteenth birthday, I started to eat a LOT. When you work on a farm, you eat a lot because you burn a lot of calories. But I was eating a lot more than a normal farmhand would. One day at lunch Penny said something insensitive...
"Samber, Honey," she squeaked. "You're eating like a pig! If you're not careful, you'll get fat like me." Penny might have meant it as self-deprecating humor, but I didn't take it that way.
"Back the fuck off, Penny!!" I rumbled. "I don't need your shit!" Everyone at the table froze in mid-chew. They had never heard me curse before.
Penny started to cry.
"Oh, great!" I spat. "Here come the waterworks!"
I ate ravenously all that day and the next. I was irritable and complained of joint pain. Roxanne gave me acetaminophen and sent me to bed early. On the third day, I noticed I had grown a foot taller overnight! Other people claimed it occurred gradually over many days, but I SWEAR it all happened in just ONE night.
Two days later, I developed breasts. I went from being flat-chested to a "C" in just a two days.
I was lanky, awkward and clumsy. It was like I had to learn to walk with all-new legs. I tripped a few times and frequently dropped things. Even my fingers had gotten longer.
I had also become rather withdrawn, sullen, and rudely laconic.
And I was becoming snippy with my family.
A month after my epic growth spurt, I moved out of the Main House. I did so without consulting my parents or Uncle Peter. I just packed a bag and took it across the highway to "Elwood's Farm Equipment Rental Store". I then proceeded to make it my home.
"So, you moved out of the Main House," asked Uncle Peter casually.
"Yep."
"Moving into the rental place, I see."
"Yep."
"Need any help?"
"Nope."
I cleared out the store, furnished it and decorated the place all on my own.
The move didn't really change much. I still worked with Uncle Peter on the farm. I still came to the Main House to eat and socialize. I just used my new place for sleeping and privacy. But the move sure did wonders for my mood and my relationship with my family. After a couple months, I was back to my old self... only much taller.
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