"You're back," Sam says, wiping the tears from his eyes, a wry smile returning to his face.
I move to pick up the book he dropped but he waves with his hand, indicating that I should leave it on the ground and rather take the seat opposite his.
For some reason Sam looks different than what I had seen him the last time we met. When I had pushed him to the floor and Michael had threatened that I was not to see him again. I can see that he had lost weight and there are dark circles under his eyes. Maybe he had lost this weight a while back and I was just so obsessed with my own depression and dying that I could not see the strain it was taking on a person who gave me new life and wanted better for me in the future.
"Did you enjoy the trip?" Sam asks as I take my seat, brushing my hair out of my face. I can see his eyes lingering on my mouth, and I have to make an effort not to wipe over the faded black cross I know is still drawn over my mouth.
"It was eye opening," I reply, still taking in the man in front of me that I still did not realized aged without me even seeing it. He is still handsome, but he looks tired.
"Yes, it has been a time of revelation," he says. I want to ask him what he means, but I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to find Lucy behind me.
"I think the two of you have some catching up to do. I'm going to get some dinner with Michael. We'll bring you some?" I still wasn't trusting how nice she was being, but still I nodded and waited with Sam in silence until we heard the front door close, and minutes later the car start and drive down the street.
"You look tired," I mention, making Sam drop his head, give a small chuckle and look me back in the eyes.
"Yeah," Sam said giving another chuckle. "That's why I sent Lucy to go and get you. We need to take. There are two urgent matters that need to be addressed. I will start with the minor of the two, but I need you to promise not to ask questions or say anything until I am done explaining."
It has been a long time since Sam has been this stern and serious which makes me immediately worry. Was this the actual moment that he told me from his own mouth that he has had enough? Did he bring me here to say goodbye and that he never wants to see me again? It would explain the tears at least. I gulped at the lump in my throat but I could not get it down. I also could not trust myself to speak. I was back to just listening, so I merely nodded.
"Okay... Like I said there are two serious matters. The one less pressing than the other, so I will start with that one."
Sam waited for me to nod again before he continued. "I saw your mother. She's out of prison."
I could not help myself gasping. How on earth did she get out of jail? It has only been a decade. She wasn't supposed to get out for at least another five years on account of being an accomplice to murder. My dad got life, although I know the prosecutors tried to get him a death sentence. I don't think I will ever be seeing his face ever again. I knew there would be a day that I would know that my mother would be released, but I was sure that it was still years away before I needed to worry about it.
I nodded again when I regained myself, showing Sam that he could continue.
"She came here two nights ago asking about you. She told me that she got out because her mother is on her deathbed. I am sorry Elijah... I never knew that you had a grandmother, and I did not ask a lot of questions, although I did take her number and promised her that I would give it to you if you felt like meeting up with her or meet your grandmother. This is however completely up to you."
I drew in another deep breath and slowly let it out. This was the first time I have heard about some mysterious grandmother still being alive. I was under the intention that she did not have any parents, or that they simply died somewhere along the line when I was little or before I was born. To be honest, with everything going on in my life and the many years I didn't speak a word, I wasn't too bothered with asking about grandparents. The only question I have is why they never asked about me?
"You may now ask whatever questions you have. I don't know much, but I am sure you have lots of questions and we can always find out for you."
Sam finally reached out to pick up the book that was lying on the floor. He smoothed his hand over the cover, looking at it, as if he wanted to give me some privacy while I decided if there was anything I wanted to know.
"Does she know where I live?" I ask. The last thing I wanted was to face her again. I didn't want her showing up on my doorstep ever again.
"No. She's under the impression that you still live here. I have to admit that I might have lied to her, telling her that you were in New York City, talking to your publishers about a new book deal," Sam said smiling. I could see he was impressed with the story he made up.
"So she knows I write?" I asked more to myself that to Sam.
"Everybody knows you write. Your story was on the front page of every paper, and with each of your books it made the front page again. They do get the newspaper and even books in prison," Sam said allowing himself a slight chuckle.
"You can toss her number. I'm not interested," I say to Sam. I am surprised by how fine I am and how good I am taking the news that my mother is out in the world again. "I really don't want anything to do with her. Ever."
"She's still your mother Elijah. You should think carefully before making any rash decisions that you might regret later on," Sam said in his teacher's voice. He had a certain voice he used when a student got only half of the answer right, as if he was trying to nudge them into the correct answer.
"I don't have to think about it. I never want to see her again, and I am not interested in her explanations either." I know I was being stubborn, but I was also being honest about how I was feeling.
"Just remember, she is still your mother," Sam said as she moved closer to the edge of his chair.
"She's nothing to me. She's a woman who gave birth to me. Nothing more and nothing less. You have done more for me than what she ever did."
I was serious about this. Yes, sure, she clothed me and fed me. She made sure I had everything I needed, but she also knew I had a huge problem. A problem that was because of my father. She made me believe she had no idea what I was going through, while she was covering up for him. A man that left her. She was just as guilty as him. If not more. My dad got out of dodge. He didn't just sit and watch while his child went backward, slipping through the cracks. She did.
"Let's just say that I understand and respect your decision," Sam replied.
"You don't agree with me?" I asked stunned.
"Not completely. I still feel the way I did when you were sixteen. I feel she should have a chance to explain herself before you make the final judgment. I would've listened to her first and then made a decision."
I could feel his eyes piercing me, even after I bowed my head because of how interesting my shoe laced were.
"But you're not me and you have no idea how I feel," I mutter back to him under my breath.
"No I don't, but I know that life is short and sometimes we regret not saying the things that needed to be said."
"Like what?" I said as I looked him straight in the eyes. What could he possibly have to regret in his life? Not having children? Not trying to run for president? From what I know he had it all. Always had it all.
"Elijah... There's been a lot of things I never told you... and..." He fell silent for a moment, focussing his eyes on what I was sure was the bookcase behind me, before he looked back at me and said; "Don't worry... It's not important. It doesn't matter."
"No!" I raise my voice. If there is one thing I hate it is when someone starts to say something and then does not complete the thought. "Say what you wanted to say."
"Rather not," Sam says as he pressed his hand over his eyes and shakes his head. "It will only create problems."
"Just spill it please. You know how I get. If you don't say it I will never be able to sleep tonight."
He looks at me a very long time before he gives a sigh and closes his eyes before words comes from his mouth. Almost as if he doesn't want to see my face when he tells me what is on his heart.
"Why do you think I took you in when everything went down back then?" he asks keeping his eyes shut, waiting for an answer.
"Because you cared about me for some reason?" I answer. I don't understand what this has to do with everything. At the time I wondered, but caring about each other has long past wiped these types of questions from my mind.
"Maybe I cared too much..." Sam muttered still keeping his eyes closed.
"What do you mean?" I ask, now more confused than I have ever been.
"I was in love with you. I was in love with a student."
It falls like an anvil on my head, dropping down through my chest and landing in my shoes. Whatever he was going to tell me, this was the very last thing I could have ever expected.
I watched him in silence until he opened his eyes, looked at me and continued talking.
"I was young when I started giving school. You were in the class of the third year I taught. When I saw you the first time you were so different. But it didn't happen just then. Sure I was intrigued. Who would not have been? I mean, a boy with a black cross over his lips that never speaks? It's strange. But then somehow I got to know you and your opinion. The way you wrote the essay about a great influence in your life. You wrote about My Chemical Romance and the implication of the brutal honesty in their songs. I remember you said that they had a way with words to the extent that you can truly know someone better than they know themselves just by listening to their favourite songs from the bad. You ended the essay with three songs, and after I listened to them I knew you were much deeper than what anybody could ever imagine."
I shook my head. I could not understand why on earth he was telling me this. Sure, he wasn't that much older than me, and yes, we had much more of a brother relationship than that of an adult guardian and adopted child, but still. The time he is talking about I was his student and he was the teacher.
"When everything happened and Blake died and I saw you outside the hospital, all broken I knew for sure. You would never love someone again soon. Not after what had happened to you. But I finally had you in my life. Maybe you would never love me back, and for certain you would never fall in love with me, but I could at least be your friend. At least be there for you in the moment when it counted the most."
I could not understand what I was hearing. How on earth could he have fallen in love with me? Was this even normal? Why was I okay with this revelation of his? Why didn't he tell me sooner? Would my life have turned out very differently if he did tell me?
"Why are you telling me all of this now?" I ask.
"Because Elijah... I don't want any regrets..." Sam whispers.
"But why now, after all this time. After you have found Michael?" I ask again. I know he loves Michael. I can see it every time Michael walks into a room and Sam's face lights up.
"Because I'm dying..."